Is this normal for a bpd partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is it normal for the pwbpd to accuse you of everything you say you are doing to her? For example, if I say I am walking in eggshells around her she says she is doing the same around me. If I say she can’t commit to me she says I do the same. If I say she pushes me away she says I do the same.
She also never acknowledges her behaviour , or in a recent case , after sending one of her evil emails that made me feel,sick , brushed it off a few weeks later with… ‘ I don’t do that type of thing anymore’! As if she has progressed from that awfulness.  So get over it. Trivialised it. No apology. Like it was a flippant idea and ignored me telling her how hurtful and devastating the message was to me. Ignored the consequence.
Now she is doing all this ‘ spiritual work’ which is fine I don’t have a problem with that , except she now seems to have ‘ delusions of grandeur and omnipotence ‘ . ( nit therapy though, what a waste of time that is) She sees and feels things that I don’t, such as . ‘You need to get your prostate checked.’ On the way home from dinner .because I was busting for  a wee.  When I told her it had been checked recently and was fine she remonstrated with me for ..
1 not listening to her
2 shutting her  down because my doctor gave me the all clear just a few months prior.
3 not letting the idea lie, because her intuition said there is a problem with it and why do I listen to doctors over her feelings. ?
4 then argument happened as I did Jade …silly me. And  she got out of the car, then back in , then goaded me all the way home. Trying to ridicule and rubbish me.
5 then wonders why eventually I get annoyed at her.
Then tells me she hasn’t had these arguments etc with any other lovers in her life

[Prouncer]

Is it normal for the pwbpd to accuse you of everything you say you are doing to her? For example, if I say I am walking in eggshells around her she says she is doing the same around me. If I say she can’t commit to me she says I do the same. If I say she pushes me away she says I do the same.
She also never acknowledges her behaviour , or in a recent case , after sending one of her evil emails that made me feel,sick , brushed it off a few weeks later with… ‘ I don’t do that type of thing anymore’! As if she has progressed from that awfulness.  So get over it. Trivialised it. No apology. Like it was a flippant idea and ignored me telling her how hurtful and devastating the message was to me. Ignored the consequence.
Now she is doing all this ‘ spiritual work’ which is fine I don’t have a problem with that , except she now seems to have ‘ delusions of grandeur and omnipotence ‘ . ( nit therapy though, what a waste of time that is) She sees and feels things that I don’t, such as . ‘You need to get your prostate checked.’ On the way home from dinner .because I was busting for  a wee.  When I told her it had been checked recently and was fine she remonstrated with me for ..
1 not listening to her
2 shutting her  down because my doctor gave me the all clear just a few months prior.
3 not letting the idea lie, because her intuition said there is a problem with it and why do I listen to doctors over her feelings. ?
4 then argument happened as I did Jade …silly me. And  she got out of the car, then back in , then goaded me all the way home. Trying to ridicule and rubbish me.
5 then wonders why eventually I get annoyed at her.
Then tells me she hasn’t had these arguments etc with any other lovers in her life

[PearlsBefore]

I don't think it's one of the commonly-cited symptoms, but I can definitely relate - my dBPD ex told police that I was diagnosed with BPD not her, then told them I was a narcissist (she'd read enough books to know that statistically narcissists often end up codependent with BPDs).

Even after she acknowledged SHE was the one diagnosed with BPD, I still ended up going through this big psych evaluation that very politely concluded I was the dead opposite of narcissist because, I forget how exactly they worded it, but basically concluding that I have zero concern for anybody's perception of me and other symptoms...it all but screamed "THIS GUY IS AUTISTIC AND SIMPLY DOESN'T CARE THAT SHE ABUSES HIM" and was mildly amusing, even in a dark time.

[Alz123]

I have definitely experienced this. When my husband would engage in one of his rants he would say things like  "I can never do anything right, I don't feel safe in this relationship with you. I feel like you're manipulating me" I overheard him one day in a counselling session saying "every day I get the emotional _____ kicked out of me". I was gobsmacked. I will just clarify that the session was supposed to be the 2 of us but I left because he started to escalate, so I sat on the stairs listening to the crap that was coming out of his mouth.

These were all things I could justifiably say about him but none of it is true of me! I would often think them about him but would rarely say it out loud because of the likely fall out.  It was all pure projection from him.

From Googe: Psychological projection is an unconscious defense mechanism where a person attributes their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, motives, or traits onto someone else.

It seems like with the prostate thing she's found a thing to latch on to that she can now in her mind justifiably use as 'you're not listening to me'. It's incredible how they will find a thing and that then becomes their focus for their 'justified' outbursts. And there is no arguing with them. I remember with my husband  I'd say something like "but can't you see the facts here" and he would reply with "but you always say that if I feel it is a fact to me" so he'd spin around something I'd previously said in a completely different context to back himself up. At this point I'd usually give up trying.

The likelihood of her never having had these arguments with others is very low!

I'm fortunate in the it takes a lot to get me angry but I would imagine in my husband's previous relationships they would get furious, particularly his ex wife who he has painted as the crazy ex (of course she was crazy, she was with him for 20 years!).

Anyway, in summary, I think what you are experiencing is common but will show up in different ways. Try not to bother arguing the point, maybe use some of the tools described on this site about validating whilst keeping your boundaries. Good luck!

[Pook075]

It really comes down to perception when your partner is in heightened emotional states.  A lot of what they say is reactionary to how they feel, so it's not based on fact.

For instance, if I tell you that the sun looks purple today, but you say it's clearly yellow/white.

But what if the sun actually does look purple due to my sunglasses, or maybe I have an eye condition or color blindness.  I state "my truth" because it really does look purple, but you respond with a tone in your voice that suggests I'm a complete idiot for saying/thinking that.  Chances are pretty good that my response to you won't be calm and level-headed.

For BPDs, this is true a lot more often.  What they perceive as "their truth" is reactionary to their feelings.  If you say she can't commit, it might really hurt her and feel like rejection, so her response is that you're the one not committing.  For her, it's 100% true because she might not be able to fully process and understand how she hurt you to begin with.  So she sees it as passive agressive behavior meant to put her down.

For instance, I remember one of the last "arguments" with my BPD ex-wife.  She said vile things to me intentionally to hurt me a few days after we separated.  Long story short, she left for a week, came home for a day, then said, "I can't think of a single reason I would want to be with you anymore."  It was obvious she was disassociating, and as she packed her bags I started to weep.  I mean, really really cry.  It came out of nowhere.  And she seemed shocked. 

I walked away from her though and told her to get her things together and leave since that's what she wanted.  But I kept getting more and more upset, I probably had a panic attack because I started to hyperventilate a little bit.  I just lost it.  Then she walked into the room I was in, sat down for maybe 30 seconds, and said, "I could stay and be a good person, or I can leave and be a total b-word."  After a slight pause, "Yeah, I guess I'll be a b-word."  And she walked out.  I was in total shock- that wasn't my wife of 24 years.  I didn't even recognize her anymore.

The next day I told her that she was being mean and abusive the night before, and from that moment on she began telling everyone she knew that I "was mentally abusive and there's no way she could ever come back to that."

Was it true?  Sure, from her viewpoint it absolutely was.  From an outsiders perspective, she was an absolute monster- but that doesn't necessarily matter because I didn't tell anyone about it- how could I and still fight for my marriage?  She was highly disordered at that point and she stuck with that warped narrative for another year or so while she had an affair.

It really really stinks, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Many of us have been in very similar situations though and we survived it.