Threats

[KBug]

My 26 year old step-daughter has BPD and possible schizoaffective disorder. We've been limited contact for several years and no contact for the past 2 years. She burned her family and friend bridges years ago. During her teen years, she bounced between her mother's and our house, depending on with whom she was least angry. The last time we spoke, she was desperate for a place to live because no one else would let her live with them. We told her that she could only live with us if we had a peaceful house, she agreed to not abuse drugs and alcohol while living with us, and she comply with her mental health treatment plan. After living with us for 3 months, we would expect her to add moving forward with engaging in adult responsibilities by doing 40 hours a week of self-supporting activities such as working on her college degree, working, volunteer work, and/or helping around the house. She told us that she wasn't going to "kiss your @sses for a place to live." We told her that was her choice.

We found her a living shelter for people with mental health challenges. They asked her to leave after 2 weeks because she was causing problems with the other residents. She lived in her car for a few weeks and then we were able to get her into another shelter. We don't really know what happened there but she was there for about a year. Then she ended up at her mother's parents' house, even though in the past she didn't like them. Living with them, she's been in and out of inpatient treatment. They have gotten to the point where they won't allow her to live with them either. We're not sure of what happened but she has a history of toxic behavior including hours daily of exploding at people if they will listen, and serious false accusations.

She's really intelligent, so in the past, when she went into treatment, when she started to improve a bit, she became really good at masking her challenges. The past few times have been different and the hospital took her to court and got her a 1 year commitment to a state psychiatric facility. Again, we don't know much about what's happening other than she doesn't want to go, she's been refusing meds, and she's on a behavior plan. She has gotten into contact with my husband through texts and calls. She desperately wants us to hire a lawyer for her so that she doesn't get committed. My husband told her no and that he believes that she needs the help. The third time she called about this and he said no again, she threatened to kill him and stomp all over his dead body. When he didn't respond in rage, she started to accuse him of r@ping her all of her life as a threat. She has made these types of accusations towards him, her brothers, me, and several boyfriends in the past, telling anyone who will listen. She has also told her aunt that everyone in her life has abused her.

I know that she's feeling ashamed, scared, desperate, and feeling deeply out of control. I know that her mental illness is deeply painful for her. I love her but I don't like her right now and I'm afraid of her. I hate that she's going to have to spend time in a state hospital. I'm pretty sure that she's lashing out because she feels trapped by the involuntary commitment, especially considering that no one will help her in challenging it.

My husband and I have both been documenting conversations with her. While she doesn't call me, I listen in on the calls as a witness. After the last accusation and threat, my husband hung up and won't return calls or texts. What else can we do to protect ourselves? How can (should) we know if she's safe to be around? The false accusations were one thing, but threats of harming us are different.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

It is very clear from what you have shared that your stepdaughter is not safe for either you or your husband to be around. From the threats your stepdaughter has made, its sounds like she has both suicidal and homicidal tendencies. Though very few people with severe mental illness are a danger to others, those with suicidal and homicidal  tendencies are indeed very dangerous, especially to close relatives. Do get some professional advice on how best to protect you and your husband.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm really sorry about the escalations your daughter is exhibiting.  My read is that she's increasingly unhinged because she has exhausted all her options.  She might be close to hitting bottom, which would probably explain the "extintion burst," an amping up of behaviors that used to work in her favor, in terms of extracting favors and concessions.  Alas, she probably has to hit bottom before she admits she needs to make some changes and get some professional help.

Much of what you wrote I could have written about my own adult BPD stepdaughter, including bouncing between parental homes as a teen (to whichever parent she hated less), as well as her intelligence and other natural assets.  I wouldn't say my stepdaughter is schizo, but when she was self-medicating with pot daily, she had bouts of paranoia, delusional thinking and dissociative incidents.  In my humble opinion, that was because of the pot.  My other opinion is that heavy pot use, combined with several "lost" years, has noticeably set her back--both emotionally and intellectually.  Since she spent so many years in a dysfunctional funk, she basically missed out on practicing "adulting," when support tends to be higher and the stakes are lower (think internships, college-related activities, etc.).  So now that she's in her late 20s, she's feeling "incompetent" in some ways, and clueless in others, although I think she'll catch up eventually.  For example, recently she tried to sign a lease on her own, and she was devastated to learn that she was rejected, because she had no reliable income.  I think she thought that since she was an adult, she could sign any lease she wanted.  Unfortunately, it seems she always has to learn things "the hard way," with the associated setbacks, which, as you know, can be extremely destabilizing for someone who lacks perspective and mental toughness.

Anyway, your house rules are practically identical to mine.  There was a time when my stepdaughter's only focus in our household was to get therapy and follow doctors' orders, whatever they were at the time.  Then, once she was stabilized and older, the expectation was that she be engaged "full time" through some combination of school, work, training or therapy while living with us for free.  That, and be respectful and pick up after herself.  We didn't expect rent, help with chores or any meaningful contribution to the household.  Basically she had to be committed to working on herself.  She was free to leave if she didn't like the house rules.

Sometimes my stepdaughter would say, "I want to move to New York / Paris / London," and I'd say, "I can see why you'd like that."  Of course, she'd get upset (because her expectation was for us to find and pay for an apartment for her), but I'd stand my ground:  "If you want to go to New York / Paris / London, I'm not stopping you, I can't wait to visit."  Anyway, my point is, parental over-functioning and over-advising needs to stop at some point.  I think that age 26 is about that point.  My unspoken rule right now is to provide advice to my stepdaughter only if she asks for it.  My other unspoken rule is that if she wants something, she has to be the one to make it happen (for the most part), not me, her dad or our savings.  That includes getting therapy by the way.  And if she's committed involuntarily, then she needs to deal with it.  If you step in and "rescue" her, what she learns is that everything is both YOUR responsibility and YOUR fault.

As for false accusations, my stepdaughter has made them too.  A couple of times, she took the accusations too far, and she was challenged:  "That's a lie and you know it."  She changed tack and made allegations that were less specific, to keep us guessing.  However, even if the facts were wildly distorted by her telling of past events, we can't argue with her that she FEELS like her life is an endless series of traumas.  I've just learned to take everything she says with a grain of salt.  And yes, she has wished us dead, believing we deserve to be punished for abusing her.  However, I felt these were just fantasies in the heat of a raging outburst, but that she never really intended to hurt us physically.

As for your daughter's threats of violence, I think you take them seriously if you are frightened.  As in, if your daughter is in your home and pulls a knife on you, then you have to call 911.  If she's depressed and thinking she'd be better off dead, but not actively threatening suicide, you might ask her, "Do you want me to call 911 for you?"  That way, she decides, and if she tells you not to call 911, then you might rest a little easier that she's not actively suicidal in the moment.  And in the process, you've reminded her that help is a phone call away.

It sounds to me like you have strong boundaries in place, and that is commendable.  I also think it's the only way that your stepdaughter will eventually decide to get the help she desperately needs--the sooner the better in my opinion.  Look, we've been mostly estranged from my stepdaughter for a year now, though she'll temporarily break the estrangement to ask for financial, logistical or administrative help.  Basically we asked her to leave our home last year, because she wasn't working on herself.  I bet she feels mistreated, but the upshot is that once she left, she was forced to work on herself.  She did some house-sitting before finding a stable living situation, and then she got a couple of part-time jobs which eventually led to her very first, full-time "career" situation.  Frankly I'm proud of her for that, and I think that getting kicked out was best for everyone actually.

Anyway, my stepdaughter was able to turn her life around after she hit bottom (twice) and finally committed to therapy.  It happened when she was struggling on her own, not when she was acting like she was on "vacation" in our home while doing whatever she wanted.  It was when SHE was the one to take an Uber to the hospital, not when her dad drove her (or in her words, when he "forced" her to go to the hospital).  The good news is that though she still struggles quite a bit, her life looks much, much healthier and functional now than it once did.  And she turned her life around pretty quickly, in the span of about a year and a half.  We still worry about her, almost daily, but it's not a life-and-death kind of worry.

Hope that perspective helps a little.