The "flight" mechanism, because fighting silence or projection isn't possible

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The anxiety of a no win argument or running away. Not being home could mean blame for being up to something, yet bringing up blown off plans was criticism.

  I know our brains are all wired for fight or flight at the basic level. Someone having BPD can see the rope as a snake every time and can't pick the third option that the rational mind would and except it as it is. My exBPD had the runaway gene because she always had a backup supply. I feel that when I caught my exBPDgf's betrayals I panicked and asked her to leave or sadly got drunk to kill the pain. It wasn't for a few days when my exBPDgf would be sure I'd never accept her back(I did, of course) that I was ready for a cohesive talk and she would be gone or busy. Also it seemed she would refuse to leave by shaking her head, begin crying, blame me or my thoughts (mind reading), or sometimes blame others for her "oops". Then there was the silence (waif) until I thought I had imagined things. Yet she could move on and pack without a single argument that I was wrong (it was usually proven worse)whenever I held my ground. Sometimes I would panic and take the blame onto myself for making things bigger than they were and beg her to stay. I guess what I'm wondering is if the flight threat of yourself or your significant other kept the perpetuation of the r/s continuing because of the trauma bond happening. I'm aware not every healthy individual is afraid of abandonment but after the attachment sets in, it was like I was fighting with myself to send her away(my apartment was our "home" base) because I felt so used, she seemed like she knew it was an Idle threat and I just bottled it all up and wanted to run myself. The cycle was ugly and I admit to the fear of abandonment towards the end. In the beginning I kept saying If it wasn't real, I'd like to just move on, but the slinky dress and apology always got me back.

[Octy]

The anxiety of a no win argument or running away. Not being home could mean blame for being up to something, yet bringing up blown off plans was criticism.

  I know our brains are all wired for fight or flight at the basic level. Someone having BPD can see the rope as a snake every time and can't pick the third option that the rational mind would and except it as it is. My exBPD had the runaway gene because she always had a backup supply. I feel that when I caught my exBPDgf's betrayals I panicked and asked her to leave or sadly got drunk to kill the pain. It wasn't for a few days when my exBPDgf would be sure I'd never accept her back(I did, of course) that I was ready for a cohesive talk and she would be gone or busy. Also it seemed she would refuse to leave by shaking her head, begin crying, blame me or my thoughts (mind reading), or sometimes blame others for her "oops". Then there was the silence (waif) until I thought I had imagined things. Yet she could move on and pack without a single argument that I was wrong (it was usually proven worse)whenever I held my ground. Sometimes I would panic and take the blame onto myself for making things bigger than they were and beg her to stay. I guess what I'm wondering is if the flight threat of yourself or your significant other kept the perpetuation of the r/s continuing because of the trauma bond happening. I'm aware not every healthy individual is afraid of abandonment but after the attachment sets in, it was like I was fighting with myself to send her away(my apartment was our "home" base) because I felt so used, she seemed like she knew it was an Idle threat and I just bottled it all up and wanted to run myself. The cycle was ugly and I admit to the fear of abandonment towards the end. In the beginning I kept saying If it wasn't real, I'd like to just move on, but the slinky dress and apology always got me back.

[vortex of confusion]

These relationships are confusing and very dysfunctional.

I was in a long term relationship with ex. It was almost 20 years. There was definitely a dysfunctional dance going on between us. I pretty much trained him to treat me however he wanted to because he knew that I wasn't going to do anything about it. I would gripe and complain and he would talk in circles until we kissed and made up. He would be great for a while and then he would check out and it was a repeating cycle.

At the end, things got a lot worse because I stayed around to fight. I wasn't going to lay down any more. I felt like I was fighting for my sanity. I still feel like I am fighting at times because I refuse to get sucked back into his world. Now that he doesn't have a free place to live and is living all alone, he is telling me how much he misses me and the kids. He texts me to tell me that he tried to cook something that I usually cook but it didn't turn out nearly as good as when I make it. I don't buy into it. I know how the cycle goes.

There were times when I would stay and fight. There were times when I would take flight and just not deal with stuff. I spent a lot of years in denial.

I think it is common for there to be a fear of abandonment at the end of these relationships. In all of our years together, I don't recall ever being as insecure as I was towards the end of the relationship. When he looked at porn instead of being with me in the early days, I didn't think he was going to abandon me. That didn't even cross my mind. The insecurity and fear of abandonment came from my feelings of confusion. I didn't know what I was going to get from one day to the next. It was being in this weird place where I wanted nothing more than for him to leave while at the same time being super friggin' afraid that he would leave. One day, he would tell me that I was the love of his life and he wanted to be with me. The following day, he was posting ads looking for other women. One day, I would threaten divorce. The next day, I would change my mind and he would threaten divorce. Both of us were in this place of push/pull craziness. The only way to stop it was for ME to stand up and say "I AM DONE". I knew that I was feeling insecure. I knew the relationship wasn't healthy. I knew that I didn't want to be with him. At the same time, I kept playing the dysfunctional dance with him because I didn't want to be the one to end it. I didn't want to be the one that tore apart our family. At the end of the day, I did it and I don't regret it.

[earlyL]

I kept playing the dysfunctional dance with him because I didn't want to be the one to end it. I didn't want to be the one that tore apart our family. At the end of the day, I did it and I don't regret it.

I am so relieved to hear this as I felt and did exactly the same, but am only one month out - so the feelings of what if are still with me. I cannot believe the behaviour towards the end of our relationship though. The push and pull is the most cruel experience I have ever had. I was the one that had to end it, i couldn't take the pain anymore. We have to work together now and I don't think she is even aware of what she did. She told me on Friday evening that 'she did the best she could' wow, I would hate to be her enemy. Although of course that is exactly what I was in the end.