Transitioning into ex-(but still present) step-parent

[ennie]

Phew.  I have not been so present on these boards for some time, mostly do to focusing less over the years on the BPD aspects of our situation--and more recently because my husband and partner of 10 years left me for another and we separated in Sept., and have been moving toward divorce.

He has two daughters, now SDalmost 13 and SDalmost17.  I lived with them almost 10 years, and then had this sudden change in status.  H asked that I move out so he could begin a new relationship on times he did not have kids. Very painful. He also asked me to continue having a "parenting" relationship with the kids if I was willing. I made many challenging efforts to connect with them during that painful phase.

That said, we are now almost 6 months in, and have had a lot of deep talks.  After lots of pain and change, the kids are adjusting and spending good, deep time with me.

Meanwhile, BPDex has been losing it.  She has talked to me about how much she relied on our family as the only real stable family she has had in her life.  Since DH and I separated, she became very unstable, and got evicted after screaming matches with neighbors. She is now homeless, couchsurfing with the kids and sometimes staying in her van.  DH is contemplating going to court for temp. custody, (he now has 50%) but is trying to get her to agree to just let the kids live with him.  SD17 wants to just come live with me.  Dad would be okay with that, but mom feels very threatened and would not let that happen . SD13 is just getting totally emotionally overwhelmed, and is in constant fights with BPD mom.

For those of you who know our story, SD17 is very enmeshed with mom, and is now separating from her mom.  I just want to say that the goal I had all along is happening:  to support her in separating from mom and seeing her mom clearly without hating her and having real love and empathy with BOUNDARIES. She is very self aware, and very wise at this age.  She knows she needs to separate, and is having real conversations with mom about mom's alcohol abuse and mental illness.  She says her mom is really hitting a low point, but then when not drunk or raging, is more self-aware and awesome than ever.  SD17 says she is finally able to not just cave in with mom when she sees things differently.  She also says she is deeply aware of ways she acts like her mom when angry, and wants to change. she has a counselor, and is working on stuff.

SD13 on the other hand is just really in pain, but also has good friend support and a good counselor. And, while at first she pulled away from me in pain when her dad and I separated, she is now reaching out and seeking me for support and advice.

SD17 and I are both worried about SD13's well being when SD17 is out of the house, if she is still living with mom.  BPDex has always been cruel to her younger child, not physically abusive but verbally incredibly shaming.  Fortunately, her current round of shaming is to tell SD13 she is just like me, and to leave messages telling me I can come pick her up.  This is funnier because SD13 feels pretty good she has turned out to be a lot like me in some ways.  It is a source of pride for her.

At any rate, I still in all of this have a pretty good relationship with BPD ex, who calls me to rage ("Please leave a message... .BEEEEEEEP!" and to ask for advice (I usually call her back at a convenient time for these calls).  She tells me she loves me, then calls to rage... .a mixed bag, but I know I have her trust ultimately.

I do not think DH and I will get back together, but we still love each other a lot, so it is possible, just not likely and not now. 

Meanwhile, the stuff is about to hit the fan, as DH has told BPDmom he wants the kids to stay with him for awhile, and that he has spoken to an attorney.

Meanwhile, I am just trying to be supportive, spend time de-stressing and laughing when with the girls, letting them tell me the hard times they are going through with both bioparents, and letting DH know that I am willing to support him in parenting ways if he gets more custody.

So I guess any feedback on means and ways to relate to this situation would be useful.  That said, we are doing this in a not-so-traditional way by my continuing to have a regular presence in the girls' lives.  I am very clear I am not available to be much a part of whatever custody case... but am pointing DH to useful resources (I am work in the legal field) and just trying to provide moral support.

This has been the hardest ten years of my life, married to someone with a BPDex and step-parenting kids with a BPD mom.  So painful for it to end in such a devastating way for me.  But weirdly, I feel incredibly grateful for the challenges and the deep friendship that remains with DH, and the deeply trusting and bonded relationships with the kids.  Specifically, I am so grateful to see the powerful results of my intention and practice of not judging their BPD mom at also not following the "never talk about the mom if you are a step mom" rule.  I know both girls deeply trust that I love their mom and see her strengths without covering up her weaknesses, and this allows them to really confide in me about how it is to live with her, and where she is at in this challenging time.  DH and I have lots of pain in our relationship right now, but have total trust in the realm of parenting, so it does not feel bad or scary to have them confide in me, I tell him all the important stuff.

I am not sure exactly where all of this is going, but I just wanted to report on my status as an ex (but not dead yet!) step mom... .and to let all of you know that it feels incredibly worth it to bond with kids with a BPD mom, and to learn how to accept the BPD mom without just giving in.  I cannot tell you how grateful I am that the girls are who they are, and I know they would not have felt as safe and happy as they are in such hard circumstances without having me as a parent.  I spent years wondering if I was creating more stress than help, and I now have a pretty clear sense!  If your step kids love you, you are doing it right.  Kids do not love bad step-parents.  That does not mean you are doing it wrong if they do not love you! Just that if they come to love you, it feels like the most miraculous relationship in the world.

Thanks for all of you who have messaged your support for me during this incredibly painful (and growthful!) time in my life, and for the kind words over the years supporting me in a highly unusual parenting role, one that just became a little more unusual!

[NorthernGirl]

Ennie -   -- wow, I am not here often but had no idea all of this happened. What a ride you have been on. Given all the love you have given I am not surprised that you continue to be in the girls and BPDmom's life. I hope you are able to find some peace in what must be a very painful time. What a shock it must have been.

Take care of yourself. I know you worry about everyone else but make sure you put yourself at the top of the list for awhile. You deserve peace and love. 

[catclaw]

Wow ennie,

you are an amazing human being for finding the strength to support your SDs even after the pain you're going through with your ex-husband. I could never imagine to do that.

As NortherGirl said, please take care of yourself! 

[ennie]

Take care of yourself. I know you worry about everyone else but make sure you put yourself at the top of the list for awhile. You deserve peace and love. 

Thanks to both of you for the loving wishes.  Yes, it has been class five extremely challenging stuff for me... .

... .and, the parts I did not share much about are all that self care. Lots of counseling and support group, a 3 week break from work at the end of the year for a solo trip to my favorite part of mexico (that I never could get my DH to go to for 10 years, so big treat for me, especially as I love to travel alone), and in July I am going on the Camino pilgrimage in spain.  Plus I live alone in the house I built for me... .that I then shared with 3 others before ever living in it alone... .so there is lots of goodnes and beauty in my life as well as the most excruciating pain of any kind I've ever felt.  And the relationship with the girls is really both for them and me... .at 17, my older SD has been raised by me, and is empathetic, has great boundaries, loves me in a way that REALLY lets me know it worked... .and a way that is great for me.  Today I met with her about a project she is working on and we talked about where things are at, and I told her more of my experience over the last few months... .she said, "It was so hard for me that daddy was the one who changed things but you were the one who got pushed out of the family and had to move out, because we are not biologically related to you.  That must have been so hard for you, and it was really hard for me."  I worried out loud I was oversharing, as she had not known it was not my choice to leave... .at she said, "Oh, no, I never feel like that with you.  I live with my mom, talk about overshare! Dad too.  They are always trying to get me to make them not feel guilty for their bad choices. You always say enough so I know what is happening, but you never need me to fix it for you.  So I love talking with you." 

SD13 is stuggling, and I really miss her, and she is not old enough to grapple with all of the loss she is having in her life. But I'm doing my best to be there for her in the limited time we have together.

But all of this feels strangely whole, like I came out of it with loving support of my family, even DH. 

So agreed, it is time for me to care for myself, which is a learning process and discipline as well as sort of my nature in the end.
Somehow, know

[DreamGirl]

ennie.  

I have an affinity for the mother of my stepdaughters. I'm not sure why really. I see all her struggles and I have empathy for her. I don't call her a friend in the traditional sense of the word, but family still the same. I've always said that we're in this together. I think that's what has always made you and I drawn to each other. We view this in a different sense - and where your life skills have benefited you so well in handling these situations.

I admire your tenacity to do the right thing in this and the desire to ride this out to whatever place it may end. You are a "wise mind" champion.

Forgiving the transgressions of your husband and wanting to be a team player are really commendable. I love that you're able to do that and with a wide open heart.

You are literally a better person then me.

I've faced similar circumstances, with the outcome being different. It has been the hardest, most humbling, and tragic thing that has happened to me, but it also has been a gift to my marriage.

I did not handle it with an even 1/10th amount of grace that you have.

I just want you to know that, because you deserve to be recognized for the amazing soul that you are.  

[Thunderstruck]

ennie, you are much stronger than I am. I don't think I'd have the emotional capacity to see beyond the hurt to stick around. I admire your courage and your empathetic nature. 

I'm so very sorry about your DH. I'd be in a full blown "It's not fair!" tantrum right now if I were in your shoes.

I love that you are keeping up a relationship/friendship with your SDs. You are a wonderful example and a mainstay for them in a time when everything else is tumultuous. 

I'm glad to hear that you are taking the time for self-care. That is 100% your most important job right now! Put yourself first before everyone else and the dramas.

[PinkieV]

I've been wondering what happened. I have to commend you on your commitment to your SDs. You are a wonderful person -
I don't know if I could do that. They are very lucky to have you!