I am wondering if I should contact CPS

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My BPD partner is the primary custodial parent of an 8 year old son who sees his biological Mom every other week for supervised visitation. She is bipolar and largely non med compliant so she would not be a reliable placement. Her parents are more involved watching him during school breaks and whatnot so I suppose that could be a potentially stable situation.

Over the past 10 months that I have been in this relationship I have watched the relationship between my BPD and his son become very chaotic. I initially witnessed a few moments here and there when I felt he was "too hard" on his son and I was uncomfortable watching the verbal assault. But these incidences were sporadic. As we spent more time together and our relationship went from honeymoon to chaos I began to see clearly that his relationship with his son was also devolving. I don't blame myself, I believe that their relationship was probably always complicated, but as he has fallen further into his disorder things have definitely gotten worse. As he would pick at me and accuse me of not controlling my emotions, my facial expressions, my energy he would accuse his son of the same. He developed a neurosis around mealtime, frantic if he percieved that what he had prepared was not "good enough". This could be as simple as accusing me of not liking the food because of how I held my fork, the speed at which I ate, my facial expressions. It seems insane as I'm describing it - and it felt insane to live it. But he does the same throughout all meals with his son - "why aren't you eating, what isn't good enough, do you want more this? more that? Is it not cooked enough, is it cooked too much? Tell me what is wrong!" to the point where this poor child is "Everything is good Dad please believe me!" In fact, I find that I feel like his son much of the time "I'm fine, please believe me!" If his son is too exhuberant he is criticized. If he pouts he is criticized. I carry a large amount of guilt, wondering if allowing my relationship with his Dad to devolve to this point has put this child in harm's way - and I care a great deal about this child.

But I never felt that anything rose to the level that I should consider CPS. My BPD has provided nice clothing, as many toys/electronics as the kid could want, a clean well ordered apartment. As far as I know he has never laid a hand on him physically. In a world where children are being sexually abused, physically abused, starved, etc it just never seemed to rise to the level - although I am recognizing now that even HAVING THE THOUGHT is a huge red flag. But last week when he backed me against the door, spit on me, and I felt like I was at real risk of being physically attacked I began to wonder again about this issue of CPS.

Has anyone ever been a situation involving a child who was NOT their own and had to consider taking action? I would really appreciate opinions on this.

[Lalathegreat]

My BPD partner is the primary custodial parent of an 8 year old son who sees his biological Mom every other week for supervised visitation. She is bipolar and largely non med compliant so she would not be a reliable placement. Her parents are more involved watching him during school breaks and whatnot so I suppose that could be a potentially stable situation.

Over the past 10 months that I have been in this relationship I have watched the relationship between my BPD and his son become very chaotic. I initially witnessed a few moments here and there when I felt he was "too hard" on his son and I was uncomfortable watching the verbal assault. But these incidences were sporadic. As we spent more time together and our relationship went from honeymoon to chaos I began to see clearly that his relationship with his son was also devolving. I don't blame myself, I believe that their relationship was probably always complicated, but as he has fallen further into his disorder things have definitely gotten worse. As he would pick at me and accuse me of not controlling my emotions, my facial expressions, my energy he would accuse his son of the same. He developed a neurosis around mealtime, frantic if he percieved that what he had prepared was not "good enough". This could be as simple as accusing me of not liking the food because of how I held my fork, the speed at which I ate, my facial expressions. It seems insane as I'm describing it - and it felt insane to live it. But he does the same throughout all meals with his son - "why aren't you eating, what isn't good enough, do you want more this? more that? Is it not cooked enough, is it cooked too much? Tell me what is wrong!" to the point where this poor child is "Everything is good Dad please believe me!" In fact, I find that I feel like his son much of the time "I'm fine, please believe me!" If his son is too exhuberant he is criticized. If he pouts he is criticized. I carry a large amount of guilt, wondering if allowing my relationship with his Dad to devolve to this point has put this child in harm's way - and I care a great deal about this child.

But I never felt that anything rose to the level that I should consider CPS. My BPD has provided nice clothing, as many toys/electronics as the kid could want, a clean well ordered apartment. As far as I know he has never laid a hand on him physically. In a world where children are being sexually abused, physically abused, starved, etc it just never seemed to rise to the level - although I am recognizing now that even HAVING THE THOUGHT is a huge red flag. But last week when he backed me against the door, spit on me, and I felt like I was at real risk of being physically attacked I began to wonder again about this issue of CPS.

Has anyone ever been a situation involving a child who was NOT their own and had to consider taking action? I would really appreciate opinions on this.

[formflier]

     

Thank you for caring for your pwBPD and for the child.

I hope that you can put some deep thought into wisdom for your next steps.  Please don't think about "fixing"... .think about what will "stabilize" things for this family.

  I carry a large amount of guilt, wondering if allowing my relationship with his Dad to devolve to this point has put this child in harm's way - and I care a great deal about this child.
 

OK... .I realize that spitting and hitting are different... .but ... .but... .spitting IS a physical act.

Can you spend some time describing what led up to that... .he said she said... .he did I did type of stuff  will help.

Is your pwBPD in therapy?  Have you every done any couples work with him?

FF

[Lalathegreat]

It had been a very challenging evening. My pwBPD recently lost his job. (He has a very unstable work history) He also was recently prescribed medication for his anxiety - anxiety that he accuses ME for (but I digress). So this particular evening he was making dinner while I played with his son. He came into the living room and told me that he didn't have a side dish to go with the chicken soup. He was holding something in his hands that appeared to be a bag of salad. "Whatever is fine hon, salad would be perfect" was what I think I said. "THIS ISN'T SALAD IT'S BROCCOLI!" he yells back. "Broccoli sounds great" I tell him. He proceeds to lose it at that point. "HOW! HOW IS IT OK?" So I excuse myself to his son and go into the kitchen. He throws the broccoli at me and yells "IF IT'S FINE THAN EAT IT!" He puts his head down on the counter and just starts to rock. So I hug him and rub his back for a moment. No response. I back away (sometimes he rejects physical contact when he's stressed). His son comes in and gives him a hug. He stands up and regroups and asks me to go into the bedroom to talk.

This turned into a 2 hour circular argument where I'm accused of having a cold reaction to his crisis. That he was genuinely stressed and needed me to step up and tell him how to cook the broccoli because he was overwhelmed. That I'm emotionally cold and never there for him. That his SON was more emotionally supportive for being willing to hug him longer. These arguments can be never ending. Finally I think I said something along the lines of "I think it might be best for me to go home for now, maybe we can talk about this when things have calmed down". So then he loses it and tells me that he doesn't know why he would expect anything but abandonment from him. So I back down and beg him to just move on to dinner that I don't want to waste anymore time arguing. Well big mistake because now he accuses me of accusing him of wasting my time when I'm the one who started the argument and so on and so forth. Finally we do go eat dinner and I hope against hope that things will calm down. After dinner it's his son's bedtime so we put him to bed. After that he becomes confrontational again. He tells me to get out.

He has said that before, and normally I have stayed long enough to finish whatever argument is brewing. But this evening I just didn't have it in me and I saw no end in sight. So I went to put on my coat and shoes. "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" he starts in. My coat was by the front door, my purse was down the narrow entry hallway. He came barrelling down and stands an inch from my face blocking me from my purse. He is screaming in my face at this point, pointing his finger at me. I keep hoping that I might get the chance to get to my purse. I can't remember everything he said, I think I was in shock. I do remember when he called me a ___, I do remember when he spit in my face. I feel my coat pockets and realize that I have my keys and that I probably should make a break for the door even if I can't get to my purse. But then he backed away. He tore his shirt off his body. He went to the dining room where he found his laptop on the table and banged it over his knee. I was able to grab my purse and get to the door. I opened it and walked out. At this point he had no shoes on and no shirts and it's raining. He sticks his head out the door "Why are you leaving?" he asks... ."because you spit in my face and called me a ___" I replied. I started heading down the stairs and realize that he is coming behind me. I started running. WAIT he screamed, please I just want to talk! I got halfway to my car when I realized he was no longer right behind me. I turned around and he was taking a submissive pose, sitting on the curb with his hands up. We ended up talking for awhile longer. He tells me that if I'm never coming back I need to take my ___ with me. He starts crying about how his son loves me and has never known a mom like me and hopes to have me forever. Then just as quickly he starts calling me emotionally cold and slow and unresponsive. Truth be told I was shaking in my boots inwardly but working hard to keep my exterior completely neutral to not make anything worse. Whatever... .eventually I got in my car and drove away.

Ok, that got long but that was the evening in a nutshell. Everything has been ___ since then. FUnny enough, HE is the one who has now pushed me completely away which I find to be incredibly backwards. I'm finding that most of what has gone on this relationship makes no sense and is backwards. I don't know what has happened to me that I've become the person that tolerates this type of crap but there you have it. Ho hum... .codependent much?

[formflier]

  These arguments can be never ending. 

OK... .I think I get the picture.

None of this is "your fault"... .but if you want to help stabilize things for this family... .and by extension... the child, then YOU have to be the leader that brings stability to this relationship.

or

You need to decide to cut ties and move on.

If you keep going on the current path... .expect the behavior to get worse.

I don't believe CPS is going to be able to help.  They will likely investigate and "offer services"... .but likely won't find anything they can "force". 

OK... .big picture.  Look at the quote.  The reason the arguments are never ending... is that YOU have decided to let them go on.

Big breath... .think deeply about this.  How likely is it that he will argue with himself?   

Please don't change anything for a week or so.  I really think you need to learn about your part in the relationship dynamic and then... .figure out if you are going to stick around for a while... .or leave the r/s.

IF you are going to stick around, YOU can change the dynamic... .all by yourself. 

Note:  He will not like it... .that is not your concern. 

How does all of this strike you?

FF

[Lalathegreat]

Thank you so much for your advice. I am really struggling. I feel completely overwhelmed. I can't imagine that unless things change drastically and quickly that I will be able to hang in there much longer. On the other hand, I can't deny having an attachment to this person that I'm having a hard time just walking away from.

I have spent most of the day here reading the other threads and some of the tools. I am going to do some deep thinking this week and make some decisions moving forward. And I know that you are right - I need to do what is best not only for myself, but for pwBPD and his son because HE will not be able to do it for himself and his child right now. One statement that frightens me was made by my therapist last week when I described for her the events of Wednesday evening. She said that he likely would not fully stabilize without hospitalization or intense therapy. That's a fairly serious indictment from someone who has an understanding of the issues at hand and something that I have to take into consideration. I am willing to make changes, but I will likely not have the skills to manage it on my own and I suspect he might be very resistant to treatment given how sensitive he is to any percieved criticism.

Thank you again - I appreciate your input so much!