How to tell your partner they fit BPD

[Eggshellz]

Hello,

I'm new to this message board.  My therapist gave me the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which led me here.  I'm experiencing relief just knowing all of you are out there.  I married my husband less than a year ago - our courtship was about a year... .needless to say I didn't know he was BPD, OCD until I found out about his secret sexual activities and rage episodes.  We have been in therapy for the past 8 mos - he and I are in individual therapy as well.  It has taken this long to get clarity on the BPD diagnosis and what that means for me.

I'm scared but not willing to give up yet.   What I'd love to know is how the BPD partner should find out he has BPD? Our therapist has discussed his diagnosis with me but not him.  I'm scared that he's going to find out that I know or blame me for his issues (that's nothing new).  Any advice about telling your partner they fit BPD? 

Thank you.

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[infjEpic]

Hi Eggshellz

*Welcome*

In my experience, it's best not to acknowledge that you are aware of their disorder.
If you are familiar with BPD, you are aware that they are emotionally incapacitated. So they do not think like adults - in an emotional capacity.

If you are made aware of an illness or disorder, you'll probably take steps to rectify it immediately.
An emotionally incapacitated doesn't necessarily have this level of understanding, instead, they may feel it is shameful to them, or even an attack.
 
You indicated that your husband has rage episodes.
I would strongly advise you not to inform him yourself, as this may result in highly unpredictable and potentially dangerous behaviour

I hope you will find this article helpful:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

[WifeOfProbableBP]

I've been wondering the same thing. I also worry that if my husband is told he has BPD, he might start using it as an excuse for his hurtful actions. I think maybe if he is put on meds & is guided on dealing with the symptoms of the disorder individually, he might be less inclined to let a label define him and/or justify bad behavior.

[Yikes44]

Hi Eggshellz -

In my experience it doesn't really do much good. For them to really own that they may have any issue beyond external parties continually "betraying" them with minor or imagined affronts... .is just a bridge too far. It seems like it should be obvious that going on a 3-day rage bender over a change in dinner plans or a benign comment on Facebook is evidence of a problem, but as you've probably experienced, not for all of us.

[Eggshellz]

Thank you for your responses.  Grateful you are out there!

I'm going to use his diagnosis to make sense out of this chaos - for me.  I'm not going to confront him as that will most likely end badly for me (in the form of emotional abuse/rage) and for him (in the form of shame and anxiety).  

Focusing on taking my life back!

[ArleighBurke]

I try to focus on the behaviour, not the diagnosis. So with my wife I may say "I know social events make you anxious, what if we... ." rather than "You have BPD therefore... .". So it doesn't matter whether the behaviour is caused by BPD or not, either way she has a behaviour that we need to work with.