no progress whatsoever - no idea what to do next

[Adamsky-66]

Dear members,

I posted an introduction quite a while ago. Not much has changed yet and I like to give you a comprehensive overview of the current status.

My wife and I have been together for around 4yrs. Married for>2 yrs. It all started happily and well, but after a short while, I realized that she is somewhat special. I do not want to go into details. Not because I am ashamed. Because I guess we all have experienced the same game of projection, devaluation and so on.

It took me another while to see what it is. I thought BPD is the summary of people who cut themselves. I learned a lot in the meantime. I read books to understand the condition, I read books to understand my options (like eggshelds, stop caretaking and other guidances).

We had a serious situation last year where I started for the first time to set boundaries. I just quit discussing and quit admitting my own flaws that make her act like that. I currently compare her to an alcoholic that drinks when problems occur. In sunny periods, she is aware of her false behaviour, at least to an extend. Every time, darker clouds appear, she decides to drink instread of acting like a healthy adult.

We had a good time at the end of 2016, where we got closer again, trust was rebuilt and we agreed that we both need help. Couple and each individually.

Unfirtunately, a couple of clouds came up (her father has cancer in a very severe stage, I had a precollection letter because I forgot to pay a bill) and all of a sudden, we were where we hit off before.

I did not try to reduce myself to the dysfunctional ADD-idiot like I did in the past. I stood ground and was not willing to accept her stuff any longer. And all of a sudden, I realized that my changed behavior brought her faster back to "normal". At least she did not try to devalue and hurt me any longer.

What it did not change: Her self-assessment. She still thinks that she acts out as a reflex to my flaws. She knows (and is willing to admit) that her actions are wrong and hurtful, but still does not know that they have not too much to do with me as a person. I am just triggering.

We took a week off last week and went on vacation. To a city we both lived before and where we still have mutual and individual friends. We booked an appartment together. Unfortunately, the intention (have a good quality time as a couple) did not last long. After two or 3 nights she moved out after a fight. She stayed at a friends house. Her explanation towards the friend: I am snorring and she needs her peaceful night sleep. The real reason: She was sick one morning, I tried to take care of her, we had a fight, she left.

And the worst happened friday night. She had a date with a (male) friend whom she wanted to meet for a quick beer and a chat. I was not jealous, but I expected her to meet me and my son (8yrs, previous marriage) afterwards. She did not show up. She was out all night, came back to the friends house at 8am, totally drunk. She did not call or text me. She texted at 11am that day that she was out and had too many drinks. Not with whom, not how long. I asked her and she admitted that it was with that guy and two friends of him.

I was totally annoyed, hurt, angry. And I am still today. I do not think she had sex, but I she betrayed me anyway.

We had a tremendous fight that day. I met her in the afternoon, because we were scheduled to go to a party together. I tried to forgive her. But I could not. She still was not willing to reveal details. She said nothing happened and I should not be so constricting, not so jealous.

I could not take it any longer. I went back to my hometown that night. Left her with her stuff. I sent her hateful messages because I was so hurt. But after a few of those, I told her the following:
My summary is, that you made two active decisions. The first was to not honour my trust, my feelings, my son, our marriage. Instead, you gave a giant ___ and went out all night. The second decision was that you left me in my hurt and sorrow by not saying I am sorry and I love you. You left me guessing and you still do today. We had an agreement that cheating is the border. You overstepped that. It's over.

I do not know if she had sex. I doubt it. But still, I feel betrayed and cheated on. She trampled my emotions and did nothing to correct that.

My theory is that she realizes that her old methods of hurting me do not work to her complete satisfaction. If you hear that she will divorce you every other week, it becomes more or less meaningless. Now, she decided to increase the dosage in order to get her kick.

We have two different appartments in our hometown. That gives me the opportunity to avoid her. Thank God I can say.

I sent her a letter. It was not reproachful at all. I basically said that we still spin in circles. We fight, we make peace, we are happy, we fight. everybody is disappointed in everybody. I need to break that circle. I do not want to have any contact for 1 month. I want to come to peace, I want to focus on me.

I blocked all channels of quick communication (whatsapp, text messages). She sent me an email on monday night. She understands my hurt feelings and sorrow. She does not want that fight any more. She does not want to have a situation where we both show how strong we are. And so on. I answered her that she still did not tell me exactly what happened.

She refused to go into details. She said she already told me everthing and that she was sorry. Fine. Not enough for my soul, but that is my problem.

She offered to go to a couple therapy. We had this discussion for quite some time now. It was one of the key agreements in the "good time" between nov 16 and feb 17. But she always found reasons not to pick up the promise.

She also admitted that she needs therapeutic help. Absolutely! But I doubt that she will really go on with the BPD, she will probably choose someone who is not able to diagnoze her. We will see about that too.

My problem: I still do not know exactly what I can do. I am not willing to forgive, not willing to close the case completely. I set up a meeting with her and my therapist next week. She offered to join me in that session. I do not believe that she will show up.

I am constantly fighting myself. I want to contact her and tell her how much I love her. And that she is sick and I am forgiving her behaviour because of her desease. But on the other hand: If I do that, I am back on the hook. I cannot let her out of her responsibility. She is responsible, BPD or not.

I have no idea what to do next. Of course, get out of caretaking. Take care for myself. I was on a good way. But this makes me feel that I was bombed back to stoneage.

I am really really disappointed. In her and in myself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

My first question is: Why are you disappointed in yourself? You did what you believed was best for you. You obviously felt like you needed some space and it sounds getting that space for you has caused her to see that she needs to change some things about herself, even if that was not your intent. Are you disappointed that you miss her and want to work things out? I would say that's normal. You guys have been together for a long time. She is your wife. Of course you want to work it out. And it's normal to want to get back to normal for you guys.

Spend some time thinking about what really is best for you--not what your fears and insecurity tell you, but what will honor you the most. Do you stick out No contact until the appointment? Do you go home? I think deep down you really know the answer, but you are stuck in the indecision and that's what causes the disappointed feelings. Choose one way or the other. You'll feel better about the decision.

[Adamsky-66]

I am disappointed in myself. I thought things turn out to be better since we reunited in winter. I hit rock-bottom again and I acually am disappointed in several things. First of all that I still fight for a better life with her. Second of all that it still bothers me that much.

I can think as much as I want. I still swing between the extrem positions- getting rid of her or loving her no matter what. I do not know what will honor me the most. I guess I know the "right" answer, but at the same time, I start to doubt it again.

I made an appointment ald told her. She did not answer. I asked her today if she will come or not. She said yes. And I could not resist to ask another question. Which was stupid. She answered: no discussion on whatsapp. see you on tuesday and please take care of yourself until then.

Now I start to think she will make a great show on tuesday. Telling me that she wants a divorce, her white knight is there and whatnot. Or maybe she is the adult in the relationship at the moment. I need to recover. I need to rest my head.