My Life

[2rightand3wrong]

I have been married to a person with BPD for 10 years. I am having the roughest time dealing with the;

1) Hypocrisy (demanding of me things in the marriage that they can not abide by themselves).
2) Rage
3) Altered thinking (believes that I may be having an affair based on emotional reasoning and not logic, misinterprets another person of the opposite sex's action. They may say hello and it may mean to my partner that they like me)
4) Manipulation
5) Emotional abuse
--My partner was mad at me and told me that they had a dream about having sex with someone else and that they had an orgasim during the dream.
-- They also got angry and went to get a photo of an ex-lover and forced it in my face
--Spouse living in a glass house. They can dish out abuse but cant take 1 percent of what they dish out.
6) Denial and refusal to get psychological help as a couple or individually.

Moreover my spouse has very poor insight and refuses therapy. We started therapy but my spouse quit because of feeling like I was the only one needing therapy.

My spouse also uses intimate things about me to verbal abuse me during BPD rages, therefore its been very difficult for me to open up to my spouse. Outside of my professional career, I feel my esteem has taken a serious hit.

I am committed to my spouse, but I am very very lonely. The opposite sex solicits me often. I make a lot of money, relatively good looking, professional and Christian. I know most of the attraction to me are are my Christian qualities. My heart feels drawn to other kind persons of the opposite sex. I imagine how it would be with them instead of my spouse. "would they appreciate a good catch?" I don't want any sexual relationship with anyone. I would like a relationship where I could be held and caressed and made to feel safe. I want someone I can pour my heart out, other than the LORD and feel safe. I do not have that with my spouse. I feel a part of me is emotionally missing. I have had to detach from my spouse to make it but suffer emotionally.

I may be ranting. I believe in the sacredness of matrimony. I believe that what you vow pay for better or worse. But at times it's unbearable.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi 2rightand3wrong, 



I'd like welcome you to bpdfamily. I can completely understand feeling, anxious, depressed and isolated. I'm glad that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to people that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support.

I'd like to set aside the temptations for a second address a couple of things. Firstly, self care, I read your list and that is emotionally exausting, self care is really important so that we don't burn the candles at both ends, what do you for self care?

Secondly, it helps to connect with people that love us unconditionally, namely family and friends, it also helps to go out and connect with others, it's a part self care. What are your thoughts?


PS The lessons are to the right side of the board  

[Tattered Heart]

HI 2right,

I also know how lonely it can be living with a pwBPD. We want to share personal, intimate parts of ourselves with our spouse but we can't because it will be used against us later. We walk around in a state of not knowing how to act or behave, unsure of what will trigger them to yell at us and belittle us next. There are things that you can do though. They may never fix your relationship but they can help you learn to take care of yourself better and to communicate with your spouse.

What are you doing to defend your marriage from an affair? There are things you can do such as not sharing intimate information with other men or not being alone with men you are attracted to. Are you really drawn to the kindness of other men or are you actually wanting to be rescued from the marriage you are in now? Another relationship will not fix anything. It will just prolong the process of getting yourself healthy. How would having an affair (emotional or physical) affect your marriage now?

Working on self care is important. Although the things your spouse says or does are hurtful, it's also important to see that you still have power to stop being a victim. Here is one of our workshops that looks at the question "Are we victims?"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114232.0

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there, I believe what you are going through is normal and expected. The doubts and the guilt for having those,

I went through something similar. I didn't look for it or realized until I was already in love with a new woman. I thought nothing could challenge my marriage, as I had no interest in other women, but I guess I was desperate for some kindness, as you said. I wish I had talked to my wife before, I believe it should have ended before, but once I feel in love, without cheating, I felt like "the bad guy", and all her abuse wasn't enough to give me reason to not feel guilty about it.

This broke my reality apart. I went to therapy because I wanted to die better than having to choose, or having to leave her. But the therapist told me that not only she never respected me (huge blow off truth) but that if leaving was the best for me, it was the best for her too. You wouldn't want as partner someone that wants to leave but stays only because he doesn't want to hurt you.

I had promised that I would take care of her till death do us part. Then and there, I thought that the best I could do for her was to set her free. I loved her painfully, but I loved her as a daughter, and she deserved to be loved by a lover, and to have the chance of sharing her life with someone with her same ambitions.
 
This  marriage vows thing, it goes two ways, they apply to him too. It wasn't a slavery sell, it was a mutual contact that it seems he has been breaking, even without intention.

Think and talk, before anything happens. You two are important, make this about you two, and not anyone else. That, I  believe, you owe it to him and to the promise you made.  You have to give him the opportunity to care, if you love him.

Kindness feels great, but you need to find your center, and you need to heal. It's true that another relationship will make things much harder. Work this one out first.

I feel your pain, and I hope you find new hope, you deserve it.

[2rightand3wrong]

First I would like to thank JoeBPD81, Tattered Heart and Mutt for the kindness, compassion and love they have shown to me.

Just to be acknowledged and understood is powerful!

JoeBPD81-Thank you for helping me to understand that healing is the most important aspect right now.

Tattered Heart-Thanks for the inciteful questions. The question you asked is excellent. After pondering over it, I really believe I just want some human kindness. Because I have a very powerful and prestigious job, I get treated like a King all day every day. Then I come home to criticisms, foul moods and complaints.

Also Tattered Heart you are right that having an emotional or physical affair will prolong my healing process.  It would be devastating to my marriage. I look forward to looking at the link you sent me tonight.

Mutt-I need need self care. I have been putting off seeing a therapist. I also plan to spend more time with people whom love me unconditionally.Thank you for pointing out the lessons on the right side of the board.

Thanks again