Hello, i am new here, my mother has aspd, & i cut contact 3 lovely yrs ago

[EnoughAbuse20]

I was doing a search on antisocial  personality  disorder, and found this forum. Its a blessing finding others that are dealing, or have dealt with someone close to them with this dreadful disorder. My sister & i grew up in an abusive household, the father nasty alcoholic, who my mother lived to push his buttons when he drank, and then he'd get angry & use my sister & i as a punching bag, my mother looked on smiling. We both ran at 18, & never went back, but it was hard to cut contact altogether. They think they were wonderful parents, and we had a happy childhood, my father made good money, in his mind, he was a good provider, great childhood. My mother's done more psychological things to me, my sister moved across country, my mother moves when I do, she followed me 200 miles, & is again in the same town. She put 18 charges  on me 5 yrs ago, all of which were thrown out due to no evidence, & had cops at my home daily, tried to poison my children, would put dirt on our dishes, basically 3 1/2 yrs ago, made my life a literal hell, and i was raising my 4 children alonr, 1 has cerebral palsy, but i fled my home, leaving all furniture behind, drove 200 miles to a new town (close to where I lived before), even moved into a secure expensive apt building, so she's unable to get in... in oct, she moved a mile away, and would beat on the building, i got a pfa, she returned 3 times, claiming im wanted by police, blah blah, no thing is ever true when she speaks, ever. I have to somehow move forward, bc ive got so much hate for this person. I do not want to have contact, it's been a few years, but they have been the most peaceful in my 45 yrs, so I protect that. I dont even want to be notified of her death, i dont care. But i need to heal, get stronger, everytime she do others by I have panic attacks... .how dI any of you deal? Thank you for reading... .there's more , but later... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome EnoughAbuse20: 
I'm so very sorry about your abuse. Have you been able to get some therapy? Panic attacks can be very unpleasant.

The survivor's guide in the right margin can be helpful to work through the grieving process. Processing the emotions from abuse is similar to the grieving process for a loved one.

Are you in contact with your sister? Do you have anyone to turn to for emotional support?  It has to be hard to raise 4 children alone.  Are you able do anything for stress reduction? Perhaps some exercise, mindfulness practice or meditation?

[EnoughAbuse20]

Thank you so much for the information, i was in therapy just started a year ago. Most of my adult life I was married to a sociopath, alcoholic/addict-(Surprise)bipolar man until he left the children & i in 1999. I didn't think I needed therapy , i thought I was fine, just depressed once in awhile but would hear my father "Snap outta it".i found a good therapist & go once a month, i love it, i didn't realize the amount of abuse we went through, i had night terrors, & sleepwalking most of my childhood, I would be asleep but eyes open screaming & my sister knew how to bring me out. They finally stopped arpund age 19. My sister and I are very close, even though she's on the other side of the country, we talk/text everyday, we were close as kids too, we made each other laugh slot to ease pain. She's stronger than I am, and guides me through what to do when my mother would try to contact me. Shes my best friend. She's my support... .im going through the guide on right. Thank you, I'm thankful theres stories similar, I'm not alone

[Fie]

Hello EnoughAbuse 

I have a BPD mum and grandma, and I'm a single mum like you. I have one child, she's 8.

How old are your children ?