I'm living the "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and its mentally exhausting.

[Cipher13]

I have read "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" book a year or so ago. I was spot on in that it helped me to see what is going on. I am not one that has taken and applied things I have read or learned into my situation. The whole I don't want to upset the turnip truck mindset.

So to my point here is this. What is making me loose my marbles (I swear I may end up crazy and in the looney bin one day soon), is that I can get a text or email from her stating her undying hatred for me then 30 minutes later ask me to look at something or an opinion for something unrelated as is everything is ok. For example we are possibly moving... .again. 18 times in 15 years. So an email I get a few hours ago. "I hate you." A few minute ago the next email says. "Can you call the mortgage persona ask question x,y,z so we can get this house?"

She can't stand me but can't "stand" without me. Mena while my stomach is on the roller-coaster ride from hell.

[Grey Kitty]

Yup, that is the nature of BPD. (I think you know that already!)

Yup, if you let a pwBPD take the lead in a relationship, your head will spin, because it is all about you trying to catch up with a constantly changing mood that points everything in a new direction constantly.

And yes, it is exhausting!

The only consistency or stability in your relationship will be what you create. And to do so, you will have to stand strong while your wife blows in every direction.

You've got three choices... .

Create stability in a r/s with your wife
Create stability on your own after splitting.
Keep on living in the same familiar chaos.

How long are you going to stick with that last one?

[Cipher13]

Grey Kitty
The last question keeps me awake at night lately now. How long can I keep doing this. I'm 100% not happy with how things have turned out. She isn't happy with it. So what makes this so difficult to split from? It is as if that is the only way I know how to live and even parting ways with an unhealthy relationship is difficult even knowing the opens can bring relief.

Creating stability in r/s w/wife is going to be a lot of work. I know what has been said of marriages are a lot of work. However I this is much more difficult than that statement really is intended for. 

[Grey Kitty]

Creating stability in r/s w/wife is going to be a lot of work. I know what has been said of marriages are a lot of work. However I this is much more difficult than that statement really is intended for. 

Yes, that option is VERY difficult. It isn't like making a "normal" marriage work.

The way it will "work" is if you can enforce boundaries and protect yourself from her verbal and emotional abusive behavior.

We're here to support you and help you with the tools to do that. But if you honestly don't think you can do it, I'd suggest you leave. However you can.

[nicholas]

I'm In the same boat buddy. however, I'm trying to get out, the only reason I'm still in the relationship is because I care about her... .One way "out" of the relationship is to figure out a safe place to go for like a year, and cut off any contact. Unless you want to go down with the ship, which I have been doing for seven years, so it is admirable to help her, but it's time to help ourselves brother... .stand up for yourself at ALL costs is my opinion now is better than later (although I don't always do this, but I'm starting to) I think we are waiting for someone to tell us to get the heck out of the relationship so that we don't have to be accountable for our BPD friend. So if you have the energy I recommend getting out when have to energy to block her texts calls emails or how she can communicate with you for your own happiness... .sorry if I'm being too frank but it's time to take a stand for yourself!

[Cipher13]

Nicholas
I always respect a frank an honest dialogue especially when it comes to something like this. Its not the first time I have heard those exact same words told to me. I think you are also right that some of us are hanging on to get permission and to be told its ok to leave. We want to help the pwBPD but as adults its up to them to seek the help. It's just too difficult to detach that feeling. I was thinking about something last night and I'll share it here.

You know how you maybe hear those stories of the house wife that slaves all day to do the house work take care of the kids, laundry, clean, prepare food and clean up every night and the husband comes home complains of the hard day and wants to be left alone, fed and go to bed.  Well I am the wife in this case not the husband I guess you could say.