Feeling lost again, any suggestions?

[wanttobehappy]

Little bit of back story here: My pwBPD BF and I had broken up for a month after New Years because he had a drinking problem and things were getting worse every day and I was completely unhappy. It became abusive and I decided to break things off and move out. He started to email me again after 3 weeks of me being moved out and carrying on with life (I WAS OKAY and I WAS HAPPY). He started to realise he has a problem and wanted to get help go to therapy and wanted to everything, so I would give him a chance. He was actively going to the GP and was trying to get help, we visited an organisation called MIND they give free therapy which is amazing! and we signed for it, things however from our end started moving quickly I started to go spend nights at his place and he has quit drinking and things were good he was making improvement.

Fast forward to now: I had arranged four therapy appointments for him but he never shows up, often finds a way to blame it on me. Like on Monday we had an appointment we were going to go together at 2pm and I woke him up at 12am (he is on his holidays) and he was so upset, started to say I woke him up and this day is over you can go home now. However, just because he isn't getting help doesn't mean I don't need it. I am at a point where I am feel like I am going to go insane again! He has started to smoke weed again, which in my eyes was highly effecting him by making him lazy, making him angry in the morning and bringing out the borderline in him more. On Tuesday I called him at night asking how he was doing, he confessed he picked up the phone to ask for 10 pounds to get weed (he gets paid on Friday and would have given it back on Friday), I explained to him I don't think he should be smoking because it is affecting our relationship and the way he asked me was horrible. He said if I didn't give him money, he would cancel on me for the trip we planned and is already PAID for! I thought to myself that what is he giving me at this moment, he isn't getting help that he promised, he is threatening me that if I don't do something he would cause me the same pain and I just said no I am not giving you anything. The next day I showed up at his place and he was furious to see me and asked me to get out, all this has made me unstable as well as I said that's it I can't deal with all this anymore and I will not let you treat me this way again! and i left I came back home in anger I blocked him on skype. I decided to go on the trip with a friend on Sunday although a part of me wishes he was going with me.

At this point I don't know what to do, I act out of anger as well but the way he treated me or has started to treat me I can't cope up with it. Sorry for rambling on so much and for my english.

ANY suggestions? At this point I feel like I can't see a future if he isnt getting the help he promised to get, it feels like I got tricked into the same circle and yes he has quit drinking but weed everyday isn't helping either. I know I need to be stronger and need to show him that I am not going to wait around for him to change, I am a good girl and I deserve better than how he is treating me. I had hope he would actively change since now we both know he has Borderline line and there are chances but i cannot deal with a few things - GETTING BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS, IF HIS MOOD GOES OFF THE WHOLE DAY IS OVER, IF I DISAGREE OR NO TO SOMETHING, THEN I HAVE CAUSED HIM IMMENSE PAIN AND HE WILL TAKE IT OUT ON ME BY NOT TALKING OR BY CANCELING ON IMPORTANT DATES :/

Feeling lost again, I wish I could make him explain how he makes me feel sometimes.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[UserZer0]

"GETTING BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS, IF HIS MOOD GOES OFF THE WHOLE DAY IS OVER, IF I DISAGREE OR NO TO SOMETHING, THEN I HAVE CAUSED HIM IMMENSE PAIN AND HE WILL TAKE IT OUT ON ME BY NOT TALKING OR BY CANCELING ON IMPORTANT DATES :/"

I'm far from an expert having just started on the message boards myself, but here are some things I do to cope when my wife is "activated".

1) Breath deep and focus on what you know, not what he says.  His words can only hurt you if you let them.  They are just words, you know they aren't true and so they shouldn't affect you (much).

2) Him being in a bad mood doesn't mean you have to be in a bad mood.
(ATTN: Keep in mind that he'll probably have a negative reaction if you refuse to be in a bad mood. I know it's a bit "petty", but this actually helps improve my mood.)

3) Find something soothing, distracting to do. I recently restarted playing the flute after years (over 30) of not having touched one and I find it very relaxing and a very good distraction from her moods.
- Added benefit? My wife actually likes hearing me play and it seems to sooth her as well.

He's not going to change anytime soon so if you are planning on helping him and yourself then you have to be the one to adapt and stop letting him effect you.

From what I have read here I guess a lot of people will tell you to "listen" to him actively and try to "validate" his pain.  I think I agree with this, but only if you see it is having a positive effect.  If not, I think it's better saved for a time where he seems receptive.

[Emmanuel6222]

Can you please post a link for MIND, the free therapy you mentioned?