My BPD foster son

[OzK]

Hello from Australia!
Here's my story... .

Nearly 2 years ago my daughter bought home a new boyfriend. They'd 'met' online and had formed a strong friendship. After meeting him I thought Wow, she's dating Sheldon from Big Bang Theory! I was positive he was on the AS. Zero understanding of social norms, the inability to read social cues, the seeming lack of memory for things other than his few passions.

Over the next year their relationship was an exhausting rollercoaster of highs and lows.

I learned of his childhood of abandonment, neglect and violence. I witnessed the self harm, the dark places, the suicidal thoughts, the police and psych hospital visits and the hopelessness.
I also shared in the beauty of this kid; the generosity and kindness, the humour and the love he was so desperate to give and receive.
I met his family who whilst lovely were also emotionally unavailable.
I got him to see a psychologist as he sobbed and begged me to help him find out why his thinking was so 'different'.

When the two of them inevitably broke up we stayed in touch. He drifted for months until his Mum lost patience and kicked him out. He was 18 and either sleeping on the streets or heading home with random people he'd just met.

With my daughter's reluctant blessing he came to stay with us for a while. We helped him get an allowance from the government, got him back into school and worked with a charity to find accommodation. A psychiatrist for meds and a new psychologist who, in a hallelujah moment said "go home and Google BPD, read up and do the test."

So this is where we are right now.
My BPD boy is a delight, a mystery, a constant worry. I am slowly learning to put aside judgement when he makes unwise choices; as his 'safe' person his reaction to my disappointment can be devastating. He's learning to recognise the warning signs of a crash and will let me know although learning to self soothe is a long way down the track.
It all sounds pretty positive hey?

But it's not.
My beautiful daughter is damaged by the trauma of once loving someone with the unpredictability of BPD. She now has her own anxiety issues. She both admires and hates me for standing by this kid and resents any time and especially money I spend on his well-being. My home is often a battlefield.
 
I hate that he can't live with me and I'm exhausted by the constant worry about his mental health when he's on his own.

I'm so angry that the facilities to help him are largely in the private sector - something neither he nor I can afford.

But you know what? Unlike a lot of people's experiences on this site he is not malicious or manipulative and he doesn't steal or lie. On a good day there is a flicker of ambition and the hope of a future. With lots of professional help and a whole heap of patience I think he might get to a good place. If only love was enough!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome OzK:  

You sound like a very compassionate person.  Are/were you a foster mom in a legal sense, or has it been an informal situation?  

My beautiful daughter is damaged by the trauma of once loving someone with the unpredictability of BPD. She now has her own anxiety issues. She both admires and hates me for standing by this kid and resents any time and especially money I spend on his well-being. My home is often a battlefield.  

My BPD boy is a delight, a mystery, a constant worry. I am slowly learning to put aside judgement when he makes unwise choices; as his 'safe' person his reaction to my disappointment can be devastating. . .

I hate that he can't live with me and I'm exhausted by the constant worry about his mental health when he's on his own.

Other than your compassion, is there something that draws you to your "BPD boy"?  Is it possible that you are paying more attention to him, as opposed to your daughter?  :)o you understand that although your daughter might think it's great that you are helping her ex partner, he is an ex for her.  I'm thinking that has to be hard for her (or at least very uncomfortable).  Can you try and reverse the situation?  What if you broke up with a partner and your daughter took it upon herself to rescue him?  Might you understand how awkward that might be?

I'm not trying to criticize you.  Just trying to help you see your daughter's perspective, when you say she sometimes hates you.  Might the damage to your daughter keep on ticking, because you are so involved with her ex?  When people break up with someone, they generally want/need to get them out of their life.

I got him to see a psychologist as he sobbed and begged me to help him find out why his thinking was so 'different'.  We helped him get an allowance from the government, got him back into school and worked with a charity to find accommodation. A psychiatrist for meds and a new psychologist    

He's learning to recognise the warning signs of a crash and will let me know although learning to self soothe is a long way down the track. . .I'm so angry that the facilities to help him are largely in the private sector - something neither he nor I can afford  

But you know what? Unlike a lot of people's experiences on this site he is not malicious or manipulative and he doesn't steal or lie. On a good day there is a flicker of ambition and the hope of a future. With lots of professional help and a whole heap of patience I think he might get to a good place. If only love was enough!  

I'm thinking your foster son is idealizing you right now.  How does he currently act towards your daughter?  Is your daughter drawn into a DRAMA TRIANGLE with you and her ex?

[OzK]

Thank you for your insights Naughty Nibbler. No I'm not a legal foster parent just a kind of adult sponsor/contact.
Yes the juggling act is hard - I doubt myself every day.
My daughter is the compassionate one. Even though she was so hurt by the relationship it was she who asked me to help him when things got bad (although him living with us was definitely not part of our plan but finding housing took longer than we realised.)  Now he has been diagnosed she realises that the majority of their issues stemmed from the BPD and they have, not quite a friendship yet but a more generous approach to each other. She and I are very close, we talk a lot and she doesn't hold back if she feels his dramas are taking over. I'll never not know what she really thinks!
Having said that she will sometimes sit on the phone with him if he needs someone to talk to or invite him over to watch a movie if she senses he's lonely.
They don't cross paths very often - her Dad and I have shared custody; but when they do they treat each other with respect. (as an aside: her Dad and I are friendly and supportive of each other so maybe she picked up cues from us?)
BPD boy is an engaging kid when he's not wanting to die and he's now very dear to me. I don't know much about idealisation but I guess I am the first adult who has given him boundaries and consequences or has followed up on hospital admissions and schooling issues or who has stood by their promises and hasn't chucked him in the 'too hard basket'. Not to say that his behaviours don't drive me INSANE sometimes!
Who knows where we go from here? I have promised that I will be there as a support until he graduates from school. For him education is his lifeline both mentally and socially. Fingers crossed his therapy will have an effect and he will go on to have a fulfilling future - I hope so. The alternatives are too heartbreaking to contemplate.

[wendydarling]

Hi OzK   and welcome, I'm glad you found us.

I wondered from reading your post what help your young daughter is receiving for her anxiety and the trauma of having been in a rollercoaster relationship with someone with BPD, someone who is still around, is he still fuelling her anxiety?

WDx