Just left BPD spouse, what to do next?

[socrmom]

First post, first attempt at reaching out for support so please bear with me.  My spouse of almost 24 years has BPD.  For years it was "just how he was" and every outburst was "not his fault" and "I needed to know what not to do/say to him when he was upset" because otherwise "it was all my fault" if he got out of control.  I spent years covering for him, trying to make him better.  We have 3 children 17,14, and 10 all of whom have watched him escalate over the past few years.  We have had some big stressful events in our lives; a move across the country, death of a dear friend, loss of a job.  My personality is to "do" and make things better.  I now realize I cannot make him better.  He has taken his fear and anxiety and it has come out as extreme anger and toward me.  He doesn't think twice about berating me in front of family and friends, he is drinking excessively, and once came extremely close to violent (hands in my face, with me backed against a wall).  After this explosion, I asked him to leave and said I was done being his emotional punching bag and what he was doing was emotional abuse.  Over the course of 4 months (he would not leave) he became more enraged, deeply depressed, and out of control.  I made the decision to take a new job back in our home town and to move back across the country (to be near family... .I recognize I can't do this alone). We have now moved.  While waiting for our house to sell, I have settled with my children with a family member.  My spouse travels for his job and has been out of town and stays with his mother while in town.  While he has been traveling, he read about BPD and gave me the book "stop walking on eggshells".  As I read the book, I cried... .this has been our life... .my life.  He is "desperately sorry" and " the kids and I mean everything to him".  I feel sorry for him, which is all I have left right now.  He insists he has it figured out and since he read one book, he has it all "under control".  I have explained to him that words are worthless now (I have heard it all before) and I need to see action and change.  Unfortunately, he has been back only a week and when we sat down to try to have a conversation about "feelings" (he insisted that I open up to him) he immediately flipped on the first thing I said, reverting back to the "you don't even try" ... ."you don't understand"... .etc.  I am coming to the realization that , although I will always love him, I don't think I can live with him again.  Without him, I and the kids have had a "peaceful" existence.  Being around him this week, we are immediately back to "what mood will Dad be in tonight?" mode.  I am so confused.  I feel bad that he wants so badly for things to be back to how they were ( me providing all emotional support), he constantly cries that he "needs me so badly".  I have told him he needs counseling and to get himself strong before we can be strong as a couple, but he insists all he needs is me.  I just can't continue to  carry all of the emotional weight any longer.  Again, confused.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the forums!

You will find lots of support here.

I kicked my husband of 18 years out last year. This is so hard. It is amazing how much more peaceful things are with ex out of the picture.

How are you feeling about everything? Are you hoping that he goes to counseling and that this time will be the time that things are different? Or, have you resolved to be done?

What do you do for yourself? Do you have any hobbies or things that you love to do? When was the last time you did something just for yourself?

After he left, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I was afraid of taking care of 4 kids on my own. I was afraid of so many things. I took it one day at a time. I leaned heavily on my friends. I was so afraid that I would slip back into old patterns and let him come back. I didn't want to be with him. I recognized that our relationship was toxic and unhealthy for everyone involved.

And, I sat down and took stock of practical stuff like finances, child care, assets, and stuff like that. He has been out for over a year and I have chosen not to file for divorce yet. He isn't arguing with me about visiting the kids or giving me financial support. My biggest concern is dealing with the emotional stuff for myself and the kids.

Do you have a counselor or therapist?

Hang in there! It gets better with time even though it will likely be a very bumpy road.

[hopealways]

Hi socrmom.
You are not alone.
You also cannot go back to him. He will not get better UNLESS he gets intensive therapy for years (unlikely, most don't).
You need to pick up the pieces of your life and move forward without him. If he wants therapy he will have to figure that out for himself, you cannot do it for him.
You also need therapy yourself.
In the meantime read the posts on this forum and post more yourself.
Hang in there.

[socrmom]

Welcome to the forums!

You will find lots of support here.

I kicked my husband of 18 years out last year. This is so hard. It is amazing how much more peaceful things are with ex out of the picture.

How are you feeling about everything? Are you hoping that he goes to counseling and that this time will be the time that things are different? Or, have you resolved to be done?

What do you do for yourself? Do you have any hobbies or things that you love to do? When was the last time you did something just for yourself?

After he left, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I was afraid of taking care of 4 kids on my own. I was afraid of so many things. I took it one day at a time. I leaned heavily on my friends. I was so afraid that I would slip back into old patterns and let him come back. I didn't want to be with him. I recognized that our relationship was toxic and unhealthy for everyone involved.

And, I sat down and took stock of practical stuff like finances, child care, assets, and stuff like that. He has been out for over a year and I have chosen not to file for divorce yet. He isn't arguing with me about visiting the kids or giving me financial support. My biggest concern is dealing with the emotional stuff for myself and the kids.

Do you have a counselor or therapist?

Hang in there! It gets better with time even though it will likely be a very bumpy road.

I am focusing on myself quite a bit... .yoga, working out, time with family and friends.  I have attempted to spend time with him, but he can't have a reasonable conversation.  He wants to discuss budgeting, but although he has barely worked the past year, he thinks what he has made the past two months is
"extra" and just sent me a series of accusatory texts saying I failed at budgeting and now he has no money.  I truly think it is time to protect myself financially and go forward with a formal separation.  Scared though... .my 17 year old daughter expressed tonight that she is afraid he may hurt himself or me if I move forward with separating/divorce.  I am devastated  that she has that fear... .I am so ready to move on, but I guess it is that same fear that is keeping me from taking the next step... .worried about what he will do, especially to himself.

[socrmom]

Hi socrmom.
You are not alone.
You also cannot go back to him. He will not get better UNLESS he gets intensive therapy for years (unlikely, most don't).
You need to pick up the pieces of your life and move forward without him. If he wants therapy he will have to figure that out for himself, you cannot do it for him.
You also need therapy yourself.
In the meantime read the posts on this forum and post more yourself.
Hang in there.

It is helpful to read posts from folks in similar positions.  You are right, he needs to be accountable for his own mental health.  I have found a therapist for myself and my youngest son.  I don't think going back to him is an option... .just have to figure out how to handle him through the process of formally separating.  I am scared of being alone with him and scared of how he will react. Looks like it is going to be a long year, but my family and friends are incredibly supportive, I am just  soo exhausted from dealing with him.  Feels like a leach that just won't let go... .emotionally, physically, financially, and so on... .

[vortex of confusion]

Scared though... .my 17 year old daughter expressed tonight that she is afraid he may hurt himself or me if I move forward with separating/divorce. 

 

I know how horrible that is. Has he made any direct threats?

My ex used to make suicide threats whenever a discussion would get too serious or would require him to take some kind of responsibility. Then, I would be so worried about him that I would push all of my concerns aside because I didn't want to be the reason that he hurt himself. He stopped making those threats when I asked him, ":)o I need to call 911? If you are feeling suicidal, then you need help." Any time he has even hinted at such things since, I will ask, ":)o I need to call the police and get you some help?" He stopped doing it.

He would say those things around the kids. Since he left, the kids have brought it up. I tell them, "We are not responsible for dad's behavior. If he is saying and doing those things, then he needs help. His behavior is his responsibility not mine or yours or anybody else's." I know that is of little comfort and the idea that all I have to do to keep him safe is to take care of him is very overwhelming. I had to get to a place where my safety (emotional, physical, financial, etc.) was more important than his. I had to get to a place where I didn't let his crap keep me stuck on the hamster wheel. It is NOT easy by any stretch of the imagination and takes a lot of emotional energy.

Do you think there is a chance that he will hurt you? If so, then you need to get a safety plan in place to protect yourself and your kids.

[Lucky Jim]

"I spent years covering for him, trying to make him better. "

Hey Socrmom, Sure, I did the same in my marriage.  My BPDxW is a gregarious person who was known as the unofficial "Mayor" of our small town.  Little did the town know that, behind closed doors, the Mayor was a monster and an abusive alcoholic.  Maybe that's one reason why BPD is under the radar, because we Nons cover for our BPD SO's. 

To me, you don't sound confused; to the contrary, it seems like you are seeing things with much greater clarity.  As Vortex notes, you are not responsible for the well-being of another adult.  My BPDxW threatened suicide many times, with a knife at her throat or a razor blade at her wrist.  I insisted that she get help, but therapy proved short-lived when she repeatedly dropped out after a few weeks, citing some transparent excuse whenever the T held her responsible for her behavior.

It's hard to make a change, but it leads to greater peace and happiness, so keep up the good work!

LuckyJim