SURVEY | How you are handling or have handled your struggling relationship?

[Meili]

When we are in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD or presents BPD traits, our lives can feel like they are out of control. We can find ourselves struggling to understand what is happening in our own lives. One of the best things that we can do for ourselves is to look at our own actions.

By looking at our own actions, we can see that which is within our control. We cannot control what our partners are doing, only what we are doing. Which behaviors are you using, or have you used, to try to get a handle on the situation?

See list of all romantic relationship surveys

[Skip]

         Click to enlarge
Interesting, but not unexpected. So far (50 respondents) seventy-eight percent (78%) of us got caught up in J.A.D.E, many of us engaged in being invalidating, lashing out,  silent treatment/withdrawal, blaming, and begging and pleading to save the relationship.

[Portent]

I withdrew but not as a means of silent treatment but as a means of self protection. I was being beat up emotionally and let myself be a doormat. When she replaced and discarded me I swung too far in the opposite direction and decided that I would never be a doormat again. That was as bad as being a doormat because it let her convince herself that I was an ass. When my replacement cheated on her the defense she gave me was "better to be with a cheat than an ass." She basically started picking fights with me to justify her decision to leave me after the fact.

Truth be told the real me was the best me. Early in our relationship I strongly defended by boundaries but was very loving and kind too. As I fell in love with her I was unable to keep defending my boundaries as she would play the victim if I did and I couldn't hurt her. Dont fall into this trap. Defend your boundaries comfort her and validate her feelings but dont let the manipulation trick you into not defending your boundaries.

I also really went too far into the snooping. I was in contract with her past ex-husband, who was also in contact with my replacements wife. It all blew up in my face. Naturally the replacements wife was not at all concerned about my well-being or my families well-being. For a long time I was mad at her actions but I've had to forgive her to get past this event. I feel better now that I did reach out and talk to her directly, and forgiven her. She is sorry about how she handled things as well. She was only trying to protect her family and save her marriage. I was wrong to play the early games that I did. In retrospect everything would have transpired as they did and I may well have been able to get my wife back if but it wouldn't have lasted.

If I had it to do over again I would have just been myself.

And I know this. I've known this my entire life. The harder you struggle the worse you make things. I played high level athletics my entire life. All the way through college. I have coached well over a decade. Sports can be an analogy for life when you do it right and see beyond winning and losing. You learn important life skills. One of those lessons is that when things go wrong and you start to press the issue in the desire to make up for what has gone wrong you just make things worse and more and more things go wrong. You have to back away take a few quick breaths and just focus on being yourself and winning the play not the game. Otherwise you get caught in quicksand.


Date: 2001Minutes: 0:43
Hardball (Keanu Reeves, Diane Lane, John Hawkes ) - Quicksand scene

[Mutt]

The options that are on the poll up there really resonate with me with how I acted in my and how things played out.

I'd like to start by saying that everyone's story is their own and it's not one size fits all, so I speak for myself when I say this.

I think that we were both emotionally wounded and lashing out at each other in our r/s, obviously it didn't start off that way, you wouldn't be able to attract someone from the opposite sex  , we didn't have healthy r/s skills or healthy ways of coping with our feelings. I picked about half of the options in the poll, we'd fight tooth and nail, it was dizzying with how many times I JADE'ed, I played the same games and gave her the silent treatment and blamed the problems in our r/s on her.

I wasn't proud of myself, I felt ashamed of my actions because I knew that I knew better than that... .

[Tattered Heart]

The hardest realization for me though was seeing that he was NOT the only one to blame. I added so much fuel to our fights. It took me a long time to see this. I wanted everything to be all his fault, after all he was the one who was emotionally immature right? Taking responsibility for my side in things made all the difference in the world to me. At least now I can look at our arguments and realize that I probably did something wrong. This also gives me an opportunity to apologize, but not to apologize for things I didn't do. I can apologize for things like invalidating or ignoring instead of apologizing for things like having friends or working late.  

JADEing is my biggest error. I still catch myself JADEing quite frequently. Our fights usually escalate to ridiculousness when I try to JADE. Once I realize it, I change strategy and refuse to engage in that behavior.

On rare occasion I will lash out angrily at him. Usually I will react this way when I am under personal stress, have a lack of regular sleep, or am just fed up with him. (I'm there right now actually). Lashing out is my signal that I am not taking care of myself at all. I know at that point I need to take a step back and see what I need to change in myself.

I'm also an expert at invalidating. I think I fail the most here. My initial response to an exaggerated claim is "Oh, that's not that bad." I also tend not to respond to his comments when I don't think they need a comment, but he views this as invalidating. Just  yesterday he was upset that when he corrected me on something, I just simply corrected what I was doing but did not tell him that he was correct. I told him that I don't need him to say "You're right" to me. I also have the tendency to throw his hypocrisy back in his face. When he tells me he feels like I don't care, I'll say something like, "Welcome to living with you for the last 12 years."

I also tend to withdraw. I've never been a very warm person. I tend to be pretty independent and don't require a lot of physical affection or conversation. My H is right in that if it were up to me, we would rarely talk. Noise bothers me quite a bit. Arguments are extreme noise and I have to withdraw in order to regain my equilibrium. I like to process things and that means I have to disengage emotionally. It's also how I protect myself. On days like today when I stormed out of the house before work, I did not want to engage with him in any way. I enjoy my cocoon of silence.

[once removed]

Throughout the course of the relationship, most of the options apply to me. my withdrawal in the last month or two was a significant contributor in our breakup.

im also to this day very grateful that i contained myself (as far as she knew) once we did break up. i maintained my dignity by not reaching out, begging, pleading, chasing, or responding to the shots that she fired, stuff that i had done in previous breakups. i was a mess, i didnt need the added pain of kicking myself, and i had good counsel that advised me from throwing my heart on the line, in spite of myself.

[Portent]

About the silent treatment I just came to the realization that I'm as guilty as she is. She was giving me the silent treatment as a form of abuse. I was giving her the silent treatment as a form of self-preservation but the motive doesn't really matter. It all feels the same to the other person.

[JoeBPD81]

It is a great truth that we mainly make a difference by stopping the things that hurt, rather than to make things that help. I reached that conclusion by taking a step back and observing my behavior.  I instinctively reacted again and again, mostly by JADE,  and one day I asked myself "how is it working for you?". And mostly it was making fights go endless, and making both of us feel miserable.

I was in a forum for partners of people with eating disorders, and that was my advice many times. Things can get better when we stop doing things we know are wrong. Later we will learn some things to make right.

I wanted to be right, and for her to see reason. I though again and again, once she understands, she will stop being mad at me. So I kept explaining non stop. It never worked. It made her angrier and angrier.  Sometimes I started explaining before I had a clue what was wrong, and I gave her new things to be mad about.

We feel lost and we react, we don't think and act from a wisemind place.

I'm still learning to stop some of those behaviors. She just got mad after she asked me what I was doing and I told her I was posting here. But she knew I do this, we've talked about it many times, so I don't know exactly what made her mad. It bothers me not to know, but I tried just once to ask her and she told me not to follow her, so I leave her alone. I feel if I pressed this, it would end in a fight. So I just let her regulate herself.

I don't think we should beat ourselves up about doing what our instincts told us to do. We didn't know better and we had good intentions. But simply know there is a better way of getting where we want to go, so we take it.  

[Portent]

I have to say that this little discussion has helped me. The introspection allowed me to see the maladaptive things I did to make the marriage worse. It compelled me to spend a long time yesterday writing her my apology for the role I had played and asking for forgiveness. I asked her not to reply in anyway, that I didn't want a back and forth it was just something I needed to do. Honestly, I feel like it helped unravel a knot I had inside of me. I haven't found myself going over the failure in my head since I wrote it. I feel a lot different. Will it last? I dont really know. I hope it does.

[daverisk]

I'm quite surprised the snooping isn't higher on the list because that's my biggest one... .and the one my SO always called me out on... .then I'd JADE the action.  My counselor also pointed out the problem of snooping.  I'm working on it.  No, guilty of most of these... .though never the physical violence.  I had an emotional affair to deal with the current separation... .and put that to an end.  As someone else mentioned... .it is difficult to face the realization that I am also a huge part of the problem... .it was easy to blame our marriage issues on her behavior... .I'm taking a deeper look at my behavior as well.

[Meili]

I did the same things that are in the poll.

My main coping skill was JADE'ing. I kept thinking that if I could just get her to understand my side of things, she would change hers. That was before I understood what was really going on with her. It never occurred to me that what I was doing was telling her that her feelings, and thus the accompanying thoughts, were wrong... .which translated to her as she was wrong and a bad person. It was incredibly invalidating to her.

On top of that, I would present body language that was equally as invalidating, if not more so.

The JADE'ing would lead to frustration and anger for both of us. She would rage. Because of my past, I would get scared and either go silent, withdrawing and refusing to talk to her, or break up with her.

I blamed her for all of the relationship problems. I turned to alcohol and had an emotional affair in an effort to try to deal with my own emotional dysregulation.

When I went NC for 6 weeks and my thoughts began to clear, and my understanding of BPD increased, I started to see all of my wrongs. I decided to give the relationship another shot. I begged, pleaded, and pursued her; putting forth far more effort to make things work than she was. I became a doormat in hopes of her loving me. She lost all respect for me. I was no longer a man who could protect her. There was nothing attractive about me anymore.

I even went so far as to try to buy her attention; jewelry, flowers, gifts, dinners, etc. I financially devastated myself in the process. I even went so far as to donating plasma so that I had money to pay her bills while she bought her 100th pair of boots.

All of the things that I mentioned above were within my control and power. I had to learn to accept that they all resulted from choices that I made, the only person who was responsible for those choices was me, and I was the only person with the power to change my behavior.

I enabled her behavior. I taught her that it was acceptable to treat me as she did. Once I started to change my behaviors, the dynamics of the relationship started to change.

[SamwizeGamgee]

This makes me look at myself better.  I have come a long, long way. 
I no longer get angry. I no longer engage.  I am free of the FOG (mostly). 
What I have done, and do still, is trade truth and my integrity for peace, sometimes.  This is not good, but, it's a temporary solution as I work out my longer term plan.
But, oh man, to see a measuring stick showing how much I've changed for the better, is very wholesome and good for me.

[WitzEndWife]

I think this just goes to show how tough it is not to JADE with a BPD partner. Our natural response with a mentally healthy individual would be to do just that. We do it at work, we do it with friends. However, we have to completely switch modes when we are with that partner, and it doesn't always go seamlessly. By doing so, I think it's also easy to invalidate, especially when you're surrounded by more mentally healthy individuals all day long, and then you have to deal with wild accusations or stinging, unfair comments.

[Mutt]

I think this just goes to show how tough it is not to JADE with a BPD partner. Our natural response with a mentally healthy individual would be to do just that. We do it at work, we do it with friends.

That's a good point. I'd like to add that it goes the other way around too, now having learned to not JADE with my exuBPDw, I've learned that non's can be emotionally mature and emotionally immature, and I don't JADE with emotionally immature non's. I'd try to defend and reason logic with those that are emotionally immature but I've come to accept, because of the disorder, that some people are who they are. I like how Skip put it, we live in a world full of emotional immaturity, we need to learn how to cope with that.

I recently had an obnoxious woman in public try to get my attention and I didn't respond to her, thankfully it didn't mushroom  , I would have felt unease because I would have felt obligated to respond to her if I didn't know what I know now. I think that there are some features of the disorder that crossover with non's behaviors too.

[JoeBPD81]

I'm sorry if this offends anyone, it is not directed to anyone in particular, but it's part of my journey to become a better person myself, so maybe sharing it will make someone else think too:

We can't do black and white thinking. We are not right and they are wrong. We are not mature and they immature... .

We can only change ourselves, so we need to find our own immature and unrealistic behaviors. We shield ourselves in the widely spread label :"families of pwBPD suffer a lot ".

I don't think people classify in binary categories. Sane and crazy. I think we all are in the same continuum. And a person is not always at the same point either. We behave more mature one minute, and more immature the next, depending on many factors (stress, the person we interact with, energy, mood... .).

I might not cut myself if I am distressed. But I could eat more icecream than what is healthy, or more pizza, which I perfectly know are bad for my health. It's not the same, but it's not completely different, is it?

We can't change things because we are the more mature. I can change things because I am me, and I can only change myself. That's rational and empirical. "I am more mature" is a judgement. All of us, however sane, think our judgments are solid. We mistake them for facts all the time.

The world goes on like that, of course. If we stop to sencond guess ourselves all the time, we wouldn't do anything. But periodically we have to do a self assesment.

For example, I have kids, and I think "I wasn't like that when I was young" Therefore, they are "bad" (and I was good, black and white). I wouldn't answer my mother that way, I wouldn't do this or that. But, did I believe I was right and my parents were wrong all the time as a kid? Yes, I did. Did I keep doing things that anoyed them even when they asked me to stop almost every day? Yes, I did. Did I obey things that they told me for my own good again and again, and I thought they were pestering me? No, I did not obey. Everytime they told me to brush my teeth I would think, "Oh, leave me alone, already!", and then I would answer "yeah, yeah, in a minute". (Today I have very bad teeth). So I can find in myself something to relate with my kids, it's a step to stop invalidating them, if only in my mind.

The ego is a dangerous thing, and it would tell us that we have to make a stand and not admit to be wrong in anything. We would be angry because our pwBPD is mad at us unfairly because she thought we did something, we are so offended that we can't reallize that she is at least a bit right. That bit eclipses the big picture, and that is not fair, it's true. But we can't dismiss everything they don't like about us because they have a dissorder, or because we "already give too much".

I'm not saying we all do this. I do, I'm not completely mature or truthful to myself, or realistic. And if I take down the wall between the sane and the insane, then I'm closer to the person I love, and closer to reality.

That wall does a lot of harm. A person recently diagnosed goes online, or goes to their doctor, and hears "you are going to be  (or you are) a burden to all the people around you". That is exactly what a person with a strong sense of shame needs to hear, right? You wanted to die, and you hang in there because you think about your family, and "an expert" tells you something that in your head sounds clearly "they are going to be better without you".

My father in law had cancer, and, even if it's true, it's not sensitive at all to say this:  he was a burden for all his family, we all had to change our lives to be there for him. Put our own lives on hold. Did doctors tell him that he was going to be harmful to his family? No, they didn't. But I've read enough information about support for families with someone with cancer, that if I ever fall sick, that will be on my mind. "Oh! what am I doing to my family?" -- You are sick, take two spoonfuls of guilt and shame before going to bed.

If my judgements, my acts, my responses... .tell the person I love "I am sane and you are not", that is highly invalidating, and that makes things worse. Specially when we don't believe/accept something that is true, or we negate something we did/said/thought, often partially (you heard wrong, you interpreted this, that wasn't what I did... .). This tells them their perception is wrong, when maybe partly is, but partly isn't, and we make it worse. Either they end up thiniking they are crazier than they are, or needing to defend themselves more, because "the world is against them".

We want them to face their behaviour, and to change, to be more aware of reality, because for us is so obvious thet are out of contact with it. Well, we need to check regularly how in contact we are, if we want to be fair, and if we don't want them to drift even more apart from reality.

Besides, I think it's part of our sesponsibility to help stop demonizing this disorder in the common belief. It's true we suffer, but that can't be the "poster trait" of this disease, it has enough going on inside not to be defined for what it does to families, to others. That public image hurts them, and makes it harder to recover, and that hurt us too in turn. We might or we might not be part of the invalidating environtment in their chilhood, but others helped creating this disorder, of course others are afected by it. We may have no blame in this, but they sure didn't ask to have a disorder either.

We need to be compasionate to ourselves and families, of course, but we need to do that without labeling them as "trouble makers", without labeling them as "the enemy". Does it make sense?

[onelittleladybug]

@JoeBPD81

I agree with everything you just said and Im deeply grateful of this reminder. This is exactly the kind of support I have been looking for and want to provide. If its ok with you I want to copy this to print and keep with me.

[JoeBPD81]

Ok by me. I'm glad it's off use to someone. I just wish I could help my love.

[marti644]

Ok by me. I'm glad it's off use to someone. I just wish I could help my love.

Hi Joe,

This is very insightful, thank you for sharing.

It is true I think that we need to clamp down on our egos and be more realistic about our roles in our relationships.

I know for my part that I contributed significantly to the dysfunction with my BPD-ex. I have my own problems that not only enabled the dysfunction but likely incited many of the incidents that led to the relationship downfall.

I am quite aware that I triggered my exes shame on purpose, as a manipulation tool so I could win the arguments. We were stuck in a cycle of JADE. I didn't know what BPD was at the time, but I was covertly very manipulative and always was trying to have the upper hand. This had nothing to do with my ex and all to do with my own intimacy issues.

It serves me well now in the healing process to take responsibility for my actions. Black and white thinking, by anyone, no matter their personality traits is a poor tool for a healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. Blaming others 100%, including my ex was entirely immature on my part.

I ain't no hero, and although others saw this and probably kept away from me because of it, I was blind to my own hubris. This relationship taught me otherwise.

[onelittleladybug]

Ok by me. I'm glad it's off use to someone. I just wish I could help my love.

I completely hear you. Someone told me a long time ago that when you are planting seeds with people you might need to give it some time before you see sprouts. Sometimes people hear you but are not ready yet to respond in kind or even respond at all.

I want to ask about your r/s but am afraid to hijack the thread. I will read up.

Thanks again. Your post made my day and helped me deal with my situation.

[jo19854]

We never had a fight, she was silent.
I reacted always calm and loving because in our last year she had a heavy chemo.
She withdraw and seemed depressed.
I was patient and never angry.

After 11 years together and the chemo just finished she left when I was at work.
We were two years married. She left everything behind, took a plane and was gone.
In her note she wrote " thank you for everything, you will see this is the best way and the only way for me, you can email me, Love B... ."

Didn't get an adress and never ever got a response, she just vanished. I never got any explanation, no reason given.

I don't think it matters how you react, when they are done they leave. It's more then 3 years now and now I am having treatment for PTSD  and Complicated grief. This is the most cruel thing you can do to another human being.

I live but I am not alive.
I have a house but not a home.

But back to the topic. It really doesn't matter how you act.

Jo

[Aesir]

Jade definitely. I was always on the defensive or prepared for combat. She could be unpredictable so at times I expected a blame storm there was nothing while she would start things out of the blue others.

[LilMe]

My responses changed over time.  Early in my relationship I JADEed a lot.  I couldn't understand how he could say and actually believe such crazy stuff!  Once I found this site and read all the BPD books, I mostly stopped.  I tried not to respond at all to crazy, but not be totally silent either.  Just said 'OK' or something along those lines.  My lack of emotional response seemed to make things worse.  I suppose it might have seemed like silent treatment to him and I hate that, but it couldn't be helped.  If I responded in any way other than silence or a deadpan 'OK' he dysregulated.

My lack of boundaries early in the relationship caused lots of problems.  I feel that was really THE problem with the relationship.  I accepted behaviors that were harmful to both of us.

It is still painful and hard after a year out, but I have learned so much!  I am a better person and a much better mother to my children.  My hope is that I can share what I have learned about boundaries and validation and PDs with my children and save them the heartache of a life of unhealthy relationships.

   Hugs to us all!

[hadenoughfred]

About the silent treatment I just came to the realization that I'm as guilty as she is. She was giving me the silent treatment as a form of abuse. I was giving her the silent treatment as a form of self-preservation but the motive doesn't really matter. It all feels the same to the other person.

it may feel the same to the other person but where do you draw the line of having to preserve yourself, preserve your relationship by not lashing out and adding even more fuel to the fire? I have gone through so many different phases, learning what works and what doesn't. when to withdraw and have something for myself. I totally agree with the principles involved in working on yourself etc etc and all the help on here to survive but we sometimes just have to do what we need for ourselves even if the BPD doesn't like it or it doesn't help the relationship. If they cant have empathy or understanding for that then that is just the way it is... .or am I in a state of denial?

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello everyone, of course this is exactly what I am going through with my pwBPD.  We got married at a young age and had been together since age 14.  So neither of us had an idea of what a mature relationship should be except for the example of our parents.

My parents did not argue openly.  They did discuss things, my dad had severe depression and struggled with that throughout his life.  My mom didn't like to talk about anything negative.  She taught me to "look on the bright side" "kill them with kindness". ":)on't air your dirty laundry" and ":)ance with the ones that bring you" all of these are good to an extent.  However, life does have negative events and pretending they aren't happening is not the best strategy.  My parents were wonderful people, kind and tried their very best.

My husband 's parents were hard working and civic minded.  However, they kept a lot of secrets, as well.  My father in law was an alcoholic who quit drinking when my husband was a teenager.  He was abusive.  I think he was BPD and npd.  My mother in law covered for him.

In the beginning, I was confused that my husband who I knew loved me would call me names, push me, yell at me, etc.  then turn around and be very loving.  I didn't have skills to deal with this problem and the chaos it created.  This began the habit of JADEing of course, this did not work and made things worse.

I went to our pastor (family friend of my father in law) who married us.  His advice was to give my husband some rough stuff back.  That's what he was used to and how he was raised.  Terrible advice... .slowly our marriage turned into a year's long mudslinging fest.  I gave him back whatever he gave me - name calling, silent treatment , manipulation.  He called my family losers.  I said he was just like his dad and on and on for years with some good times wedged in between.

Fast forward to about 3 years ago now I have been in counseling, studying everything I can to get better. I have taken a good, hard look at my behavior and see that I have been feeding this chaotic flame.

I have been detaching and trying to do it with love.  My husband is still trying the tactics that used to get things all revved up.  He just doesn't understand why I have changed.  And I cannot explain it because he sees me as an enemy, doesn't trust me, yet feels I am abandoning him.  It's really crazy and crazy making.  I feel bad for my part of the problem.  We will see what lies ahead.

[planet]

she cheated. got pregnant. used me. I understand that she needed a dramatic event to escape and move on. she believed that there was no other way. the fear of abandonment caused her to abandon me. then she regretted it and said it was a horror show losing me.
i tried reconciliation a few months later. to try another way. sober this time. it didnt work. she reached out to someone else. another abandonment. then had another dramatic event totalling her car and a DUI. i think again she struggled with how it would actually work between us. throughout our time together i advocated the BPD diagnosis, offered to support her with counseling, she does agree that her patterns fit. and she is aware of her behaviors and reactions to stress.  her family is key. there is a lot of stress there and triggers. she knows it but cannot and will not break away.  her mom is controlling and may be BPD herself. none of my heart felt pleas to her family for her to seek help went anywhere.  we have been back and forth on social media until a month ago. i quit. i told her i quit. i am sad and lonely. this was a love for me. but i know it is best to stay away at this point. pretty sure she is with someone new. predictable.

[sad but wiser]

What did I do to resolve relationship conflicts?  Mostly apologized for stuff I never,meant to be taken the way it was said.  Also, shoved down my needs and emotions.  Gave in a lot.  I was too worn out tobdo much else.  I didn't know he was disordered, I just knew something was "wrong."

[SamwizeGamgee]

SBW - Well said.  Shoving down my spirit, needs, my everything, so as to make things smooth at home.  I played along with her twisted version of things, mostly not aware of what was happening, or where it would lead to.  I agree with perception that something was wrong, but not able to identify it.

[MovingOn23]

One of the things I did too much of that isn't on the list is Avoidance / Walking on Eggshells. Later, I discovered (in my relationship with my BPDw, at least) that, while it feels counter-intuitive, that being "politely blunt," direct, and honest, rather than beating around the bush with the intention of avoiding potential confrontation, works better for everyone involved and is amazingly effective at bypassing those potential minefields.

This is something I'm still working on getting used to, but it has helped my relationship a lot.

[JoeBPD81]

MovingOn23

Can you give an example?

[SaltyDawg]

  Snooping through phones, computers, purses, wallets, cars, social media account(s), etc.
  Withdrawing, giving the silent treatment, or threatening to break up
  Other (please explain)

For this question, I am only responding in the present BPD relationship, as the previous BPD was a whole different situation.  My current BPD relationship is with my wife whom I believe is uBPD and uOCPD.

Based on my wife's false narratives in the past, where she has done projection and transference on me, whenever she accused me of having an affair (emotional or sexual), I perceived her accusation as an admission of guilt, so I actively looked for evidence of her having an affair on me - to date, I have found no solid evidence of an affair.  While my uBPD/uNPD/u+exgf had two emotional affairs and attempted to have physical ones; however, she backed out on one, and the other rejected her physical advances, so it was something I was painfully aware of potentially happening, and when my wife stopped her love bombing and later accused me of having affairs, this came to my mind frequently, an ANT (automatic negative thought) which I kept suppressed most of the time as there was no physical evidence to back up my own paranoia to explain her behaviors.

In order to do this, I would look at phone records, location records, her texts, browser history, other communications, credit card records, and I would also check for any unexplained bodily fluids in her laundry, as I was tasked to do the laundry as her primary love language in 'acts of service' and I had the advantage of looking at this from an investigative perspective.

My wife wanted me to JADE when we have arguments; however, this would upset her more.  I wouldn't JADE, and if she was dysregulated, I would shut down the conversation and invite it to be resumed the following morning, when I knew more often than not she would have an emotional reset, and would either forget the argument (if unimportant majority of the time) or could bring it up, and if I felt it was important, I would bring it up at that time when she has reverted to baseline.

In addition to the checking of the bodily fluids, under the 'other' category, I would also use a modified version of the DBT Radical Acceptance tool that I personally call Radical Forgiveness, as I know she is dysregulated, and not fully aware of her behaviors while she is dysregulated, so I have already pre-forgiven her for these bad behaviors.  However, I do hold her accountable for these behaviors by calling them out during the following couple's therapy session, so they can be addressed by a neutral 3rd party referee.  We are currently in a transition phase, where we are going to be addressing this without the 'referee' when dealing with 'relationship conflict'.