I'm actually a bit scared... and that's probably healthy

[daverisk]

Things sometimes move fast and furious... .my recently diagnosed wife was going to go to an inpatient treatment facility on May 4th... .that has been moved up and she actually goes on Friday March 31st.  She's going to move back into the apartment tomorrow to have time with me and the children before she leaves. 

It's a "partial-hospital" treatment.  She'll spend four days there and two home for the five week period. 

I'm a bit scared about her being back here... .and about what comes next.  When she finishes treatment we'll begin our couples counseling... .and she'll continue her individual counseling... .as will I.  We have BIG issues to work out.  I'm scared because I don't want to be hurt again... .and scared because I'm not 100% sure I want her back... .I do... .but not if things don't change... .I can only change myself... .establish my boundaries... .

Sometimes she lets her guard down when we talk now and is a bit more honest with me and herself.  She's not explicitly admitted the latest affair... .but has hinted at admission a few times... .when I first brought up couples counseling she said she "didn't want to sit around telling someone [she's]a ___ and a slut."  These are words I've NEVER called her in one of our arguments... .they were self-applied. 
When she came back from her 3-day escape to Germany she cried and said she was sorry for what she'd done... .and then this evening... .she talked about being frightened of the group counseling sessions... .because her counselor told her she needed to be honest for the therapy to work... .and she'd have to tell people what she did.

I think she's really battling with wanting to change... .and not wanting to experience the shame of what she did.  Before all this blew up just over five weeks ago I told her at a dinner we had that while I didn't like her relationship with her cousin... .I didn't think she was having sex with him... .because if she was... .given the fact she  moved him into our apartment with us... .that would make her an evil person... .and I didn't believe her to be evil.  That's a sentence I wish I could take back... .but it was before the diagnosis... .and was... .in part... .me going through mental hoops trying not to believe my wife was having an affair with her cousin.  That statement can't be helping her anxiety level right now.

Anyhow... .anxious about the future... .hoping this all works... .hoping our life can be better... .hoping she can change... .hoping I can get past what she did... .fearful it's all for naught and the relationship will crash and burn after a few months of honeymoon.  I can only change myself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I recently learned that believing in something stronger than myself provided me strength to endure in times of strife and anxiety. It doesn't have to be some higher power or deity. It can be whatever it is that you need for that particular situation. Like, if you truly believe in your relationship, you can fall back on that in times of need. It's not good to always lean on it, but in times of need it can give you the support that you need to keep moving.

You'll notice that at no point in the preceding paragraph did I mention your wife or leaning on her for support. That should not be implied in what I wrote.

It may also help to take a look at and start Understanding your role in the relationship if you have not already done so. We can sometimes unknowingly do things that can easily be changed that make matters worse. Why not change them?

This has the added benefit of focusing on you and what you can control. (As you've noted that's only yourself.) This will help reduce anxiety because you are focused on what is within your control rather than worrying about what is not.

What have you discovered about you that you can change?

[daverisk]

What have you discovered about you that you can change?

I'm still in the discovery phase.  I can do a better job of setting, defining, and communicating boundaries (setting and defining for myself and communicating to her).  I can change how I communicate with her.  I can (with some help from my counselor) learn to distinguish between her actions which warrant suspicion and my imagination which sparks suspicion when none is warranted.  I can refuse to let myself be manipulated.  I can choose to be in the whirlwind of her spiral or not (to some extent).  I can choose to acknowledge my fear and anxiety without acting on it.  There's more, I'm working on this with my counselor.

[Meili]

All of that sounds great daverisk! It's great that you recognize your part in all of it and what you can and cannot control. Those things are huge!

There are more tools on the Improving Relationships board that might help you with your stated goals.

Please keep us posted as to your progress.