I need of some guidance

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm now at a crossroad in my marriage. I think I need to end it but am feeling guilty. I'm 35 years old, would have been married for 14 years, together for 18 years this year. Have two children, age 12. Throughout my entire relationship, I feel like there have always been ups and downs with my husband. I feel like he has been battling depression since we began. As the years have passed, I always thought that he has some type of personality disorder. I asked him several times to get help. He also has some alcoholism issues. In 2015 his brother died unexpectedly and this event triggered something in my husband that is still happening. I tried to be patient and realized after the first 6 months that he may be experiencing some type of life crisis. It's almost been two years and I can no longer take being blamed, accused of things that aren't happening, being called names, made fun of, shut out. In December 2016, I finally pushed back and realized that I need to take control of this out of control situation. I recently gave him an ultimatum, which was to go to therapy by himself. He has complied but he's still not present and it's like I'm married to a robot. Since November 2016 he has shut out almost everyone in his family and my family. I don't want to isolate myself or my children. During arguments, he has stated that I am the reason for his depression. I know that this is not true but it hurts. He's told me I am a bad person, I'm not, but words hurt. I literally feel like there is no winning and I'm tired of compromising. Now that I am trying to do what I have to do for self-improvement, I'm being accused of trying to control him. I asked him to move out as soon as possible. Is it wrong that I feel like I should no longer have to deal with this type of behavior? I'm feeling guilty because this is the worst state that I have ever seen him in and I want him to leave me alone and give me space. I started to go to therapy by myself in February 2017 because I wasn't able to cope with everything that has been happening. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you

[Jare]

I'm now at a crossroad in my marriage. I think I need to end it but am feeling guilty. I'm 35 years old, would have been married for 14 years, together for 18 years this year. Have two children, age 12. Throughout my entire relationship, I feel like there have always been ups and downs with my husband. I feel like he has been battling depression since we began. As the years have passed, I always thought that he has some type of personality disorder. I asked him several times to get help. He also has some alcoholism issues. In 2015 his brother died unexpectedly and this event triggered something in my husband that is still happening. I tried to be patient and realized after the first 6 months that he may be experiencing some type of life crisis. It's almost been two years and I can no longer take being blamed, accused of things that aren't happening, being called names, made fun of, shut out. In December 2016, I finally pushed back and realized that I need to take control of this out of control situation. I recently gave him an ultimatum, which was to go to therapy by himself. He has complied but he's still not present and it's like I'm married to a robot. Since November 2016 he has shut out almost everyone in his family and my family. I don't want to isolate myself or my children. During arguments, he has stated that I am the reason for his depression. I know that this is not true but it hurts. He's told me I am a bad person, I'm not, but words hurt. I literally feel like there is no winning and I'm tired of compromising. Now that I am trying to do what I have to do for self-improvement, I'm being accused of trying to control him. I asked him to move out as soon as possible. Is it wrong that I feel like I should no longer have to deal with this type of behavior? I'm feeling guilty because this is the worst state that I have ever seen him in and I want him to leave me alone and give me space. I started to go to therapy by myself in February 2017 because I wasn't able to cope with everything that has been happening. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Jare, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm so sorry  I can understand feeling guilty, you're going through a lot and I think that's understandable that you want your space. I'm happy to hear that you're seeing a T, you'll find that it's going to help a lot, the best combination is joining a support group concurrently while your seeing a T, the members here can give you guidance and support. It also helps to get positive feedback from others because a pwBPD will generally give you negative feedback about you, it's unrealistic and it can feel really confusing. How's your support network in real with family and friends? What do you do for self care? You're not alone.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Jare

I would like to join Mutt in welcoming you to BPD Family.   

Sorry to hear what you are going through and I can relate to much of the difficulties you expressed.

It sounds as if you are separated at this point?  I realize that you have reached a high degree of frustration with communicating with him and I am curious if you have read about what BPD is and how to communicate with someone that has it?

Not that reading about all this will change him, but it will help you and provide some clarity around your decisions and thoughts.  At the core of the disorder is a fear of being abandoned.  This sounds counter intuitive given that pwBPD tend to push those closest to them away.  But that is one of many seeming contradictions that we learn about.  The fear of abandonment is what drives 'pushing' behavior.  In other words, I feel vulnerable and so will push you away because my fear of being unlovable is too great to tolerate.

Events like a family members death can trigger these behaviors to a greater degree.

How are your children holding up in all of these changes?

[Jare]

Hi Mutt,

Fortunately, I have a good family/friend support system. The thing that is most disappointing is that when I started to share what was going on with others in my support system all of them agreed that there were issues for years and even gave me specifics of what they had seen but didn't want to involve themselves in my relationship, so I'm sad but this validates that I'm not making these things up. I've been mostly spending a lot of time with my kids, parents, sister, sister in law and trying to do nice things for myself. I want to start exercising too but am not really motivated yet. Last night I told him that he had to move out as soon as possible.

Jare

[Jare]

Hi Joeramabeme,

I have and still am reading about BPD and it's to the point that I don't think it is worth trying to communicate with him anymore. For years it's been me trying to talk and in return getting attacked. There's no conversation with dialogue. This is the only dysfunctional relationship that I have in my life. I think it's time to cut the cord for good. I asked him to move out again last night as soon as possible. I'm going to disengage.

My kids seem to be doing well, in December I started to talk to them about some of the things that were happening. They ask me things all of the time and I answer, these aren't in depth conversations but I provide what information I think is appropriate for a 12 year old.

[Mutt]

Hi Jare,

How did the conversation go last night?

[Jare]

The conversation last night did not go well, it's the usual, I try to have a conversation and I'm either ignored, name called, made fun of or lied to. We've been going in circles for months. He ended up leaving for a few hours and I felt so much better that he wasn't in the house.

[Jare]

Hi everyone,
Well I decided to make a big change in my relationship. I asked him to move out, the big date is 4/1/2017. I was sad at first but now am starting to feel a lot of relief but these next few days are going to feel so long. I've been making some headway with not engaging but it is still difficult. I really need space now and it is imperative that I take care of myself. This is all too much to handle.

[joeramabeme]

Hi everyone,
Well I decided to make a big change in my relationship. I asked him to move out, the big date is 4/1/2017. I was sad at first but now am starting to feel a lot of relief but these next few days are going to feel so long. I've been making some headway with not engaging but it is still difficult. I really need space now and it is imperative that I take care of myself. This is all too much to handle.

Hi Jare

That is a big step indeed, glad to hear that you are feeling confident in your decisions.  Do you feel like you have the support you need with friends and family if it gets challenging?  Is he resisting this move?

JRB