In a holding pattern while my attorney waits on discovery documents

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, not much to report as we're basically in a holding pattern while my attorney waits on discovery documents and I wait for our mediation meeting later this month.

I hate weekends now as I've got to be around the house with my uBPD/NPDw... .I used to love Fridays... .now I walk out the door under a cloud of dread, wondering what's is my house going to be like, especially on a day like today when all I want to do is go home and relax... .

I think today is the first day the I really feel like I hate my uBPD/NPDw... .hate what she's done and is doing to my boys and my life... .sorry to vent, just feeling pretty darn stressed and down today... .

Oh well, at some point I will be past this, just isn't going to be anytime soon at this rate... .

NS

[NewStart]

Well, not much to report as we're basically in a holding pattern while my attorney waits on discovery documents and I wait for our mediation meeting later this month.

I hate weekends now as I've got to be around the house with my uBPD/NPDw... .I used to love Fridays... .now I walk out the door under a cloud of dread, wondering what's is my house going to be like, especially on a day like today when all I want to do is go home and relax... .

I think today is the first day the I really feel like I hate my uBPD/NPDw... .hate what she's done and is doing to my boys and my life... .sorry to vent, just feeling pretty darn stressed and down today... .

Oh well, at some point I will be past this, just isn't going to be anytime soon at this rate... .

NS

[The Teacher]

It's okay to vent. That's what we're here for. I can't imagine going through this process with children in the home. Mine are grown, as are the children of my BPD wife. I go back and forth between seeing her as evil, cruel, calculating, and unable to accept responsibility for the dissolution of the marriage versus seeing her as disordered. I don't hate her - I'm too compassionate and rational for that. I hate the behaviors, but more importantly, I love being free to live my life.

The first purchase I made after fleeing my home was a fit bit. I started racking up the miles. I'm over 2,000 in six months. I shed 60 pounds, adopted a healthier diet, and have read 25 books. It's been grand to escape 100% of the daily control and manipulation. I just have to get through the legal part of it. It's all business now.

Hang in there.

The Teacher

[NewStart]

I hate the behaviors, but more importantly, I love being free to live my life.

I would agree, I hate the behaviors not necessarily my wife as when things were good they really were good.

As I went for a walk at lunch today I had to go over things that happened the last few years, just to refresh my memory as to how we/I ended up in this situation.  Also, I can not WAIT to be free of this all so that I can once again be free to live my life as I choose.  It's funny, we are going through divorce so you'd think I could start living a healthy life again, but under the same roof and going through this process I really haven't been able to fully feel free of the control.  I think in order to really live a healthy life one needs a healthy surrounding, a healthy home.

NS

[takingandsending]

I am closing in on a March 15 move out date, and still got baited by STBxw yesterday when I tried to put some of my clothes into a washing machine mid-cycle and brought out her control/anger. And yes, I have had several moments where I feel I hate her, and also realize it is the BPD behaviors that I can no longer tolerate. This divorce is stressful on me, and I have at least some coping skills. I guess I can only speculate on how the stress is making her feel. But the blame, attacks and constant grievances are hard to put up with. I have been slipping into occasionally venting to my S11, which is totally wrong and harmful to him. I apologize when it happens and kick myself for letting it happen. Good sign that the stress of her assaults are getting to me.

We are in a "collaborative" divorce, where the parties are guided/encouraged to adopt non-violent communication skills. It's a joke with someone with BPD. I never had high expectations on this part, but I still feel pissed that the mediator as the neutral party doesn't call her on it more often. She is beyond hope for ever being anything other than a petulant child when she is under any type of duress, self imposed or external factors. It is truly exhausting.

Hang in there. Make plans for moving out as soon as you can get a residential schedule for children in writing. It has taken me 6 months to get the agreement on a temporary schedule. I feel your pain.

[Panda39]

I'm hear because my SO has an uBPDxw but I had to live with my (alcoholic) ex-husband for months waiting for the "short" sale (during the housing bubble) of our townhouse.

I describe that whole period as a lesson in patience.  I didn't have the unpredictability of BPD dysregulation, I got the predictable ugly/argumentative drunk.  I was lucky in one sense... .he worked nights and I worked days.  Friday nights were the worst, I always went home praying he drank enough to pass out but I wasn't always that lucky.  Often it was drunk guy looking for a fight.  Most of the time I didn't take the bait but unfortunately not all of the time... .there were some whopper yelling matches.

I started planning my departure Jan/Feb 2009, was going to wait until my son was out of school for the summer to tell my ex my decision but couldn't wait that long and told him in Apr 2009, filed in May 2009, put townhouse on the marked May 2009, (to my ex's credit he did not contest anything - he's not a terrible person just a damaged one), my divorce was final August 2009 (the townhouse was still on the market), Sept 2009 we entered into the short sale process and finally closed Mar 2010.  So essentially I lived with my ex for a year.   

My strategy was to be gone as much as I could be.  I like Teacher began taking long walks (my son would join me on his bike), sometimes we'd walk to the library and hang out there for a while, or we'd walk to our local shopping center and check out the stores, other times we just walked the paths near our house or go to the middle school track (BONUS: I, like Teacher started to lose weight).  I would take my son to the movies, we'd grocery shop, we'd go out to lunch, basically find things to do that kept us out of my ex's path as much as possible.

I guess I'm here to tell you that it's sucks, it's miserable, but it can be done.  On those weekends that are so difficult (Today!) go do something you want/like to do, or take yourself to that movie you want to see, or just take a walk... .or better yet walk to somewhere and spend time there and walk home.  Walks are so beneficial... .exercise/possible weight loss, lifts your mood/gets those endorphins going, and gets you out of the path of your stbxw.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[livednlearned]

I think today is the first day the I really feel like I hate my uBPD/NPDw

I understand.

I was curious about the psychological stuff around hate and came across this:

Hate by itself is the emotional dynamic of the ability to sustain long periods of concentration and meditation... .it is a general-purpose tool for cutting positive attachments, especially in relationships (for example, pride in hate mode rejects another person, whereas hate by itself rejects any pleasant attachment to the other person).

Hate produces clear thinking and strengthens a person's will power. It supports the desire for solitude. It cools the mind and may easily be mistaken for a mild sense of peace. It is likely to be the prevailing mood when a meditator claims that they are no longer acting from a sense of ego. The skillful way of using hate is to clear the mind of redundant attachments and desires.

[NewStart]

I have been slipping into occasionally venting to my S11

I got called out by my S17 this past weekend, so I am making a conscious effort to try to let it go, to not talk about it to those around me.  It's hard to not be somewhat consumed by living in the environments we are all living in through what is an already difficult situation, but I have to figure out how to not talk about it especially with my children.

My strategy was to be gone as much as I could be.

This has been my strategy too, but it's very depressing sometimes.  I have owned and lived in my home for 12+ years and my uBPDw and her children have only been there 2 1/2 years and they have taken over and my boys and I are now guests in our own home.  It's completely mind blowing to me how this person has consumed everything around me including my home and she's trying to take it in the divorce too... .I can't even imagine doing that to someone... .such a foreign thought to me.  To take someones childhood home and live in it happily ever after... .I wouldn't be able to sleep at night or look myself in the mirror the same way again.

NS

[takingandsending]

Hang in there. Make plans for moving out as soon as you can get a residential schedule for children in writing. It has taken me 6 months to get the agreement on a temporary schedule. I feel your pain.

I have owned and lived in my home for 12+ years and my uBPDw and her children have only been there 2 1/2 years and they have taken over and my boys and I are now guests in our own home.  It's completely mind blowing to me how this person has consumed everything around me including my home and she's trying to take it in the divorce too... .I can't even imagine doing that to someone... .such a foreign thought to me.  To take someones childhood home and live in it happily ever after... .I wouldn't be able to sleep at night or look myself in the mirror the same way again.

Oops. I forgot that you had been in your home for so long compared to your wife. I didn't mean to be insensitive. That is a really tough situation. I'm sorry. I agree with your feelings - I couldn't/wouldn't do that to anyone either. But, I think your happiness and health, and the happiness/health of your S17 and your other children (if you can turn the tide) is more important than the house. Feeling our anger and grief and learning to allow them without being driven by them is our hard task. I hope you are getting to do some decent things for yourself, to take some time away from this divorce. I keep playing in my community orchestra and heading to the monastery to meditate and skiing with my sons. Those are my lifelines right now.

[NewStart]

I think your happiness and health, and the happiness/health of your S17 and your other children (if you can turn the tide) is more important than the house.

I think this is exactly where my head is at right now.  I really feel like the house is just that, a house.  If my uBPDw makes a fair offer for my house and I can find another house closer to where my boys mother lives (granted right now I'm less that 4 miles from her house) I think I'd welcome the new start.  In my mind at this point a healthy environment away from my uBPDw is the best thing I can do for my boys and I and the sooner I can make that happen, the sooner the REAL healing and growing can start.

Feeling our anger and grief and learning to allow them without being driven by them is our hard task.

Anger really isn't my thing, but the grief and the depression that surround that has been a real battle for me.  Some days are certainly better than others, but getting this divorce over and my uBPDw out of my space will help this I'm sure.

I hope you are getting to do some decent things for yourself, to take some time away from this divorce.

Believe me I'm trying!  Ski season is still rolling strong here so I've been getting out as much as possible with my boys and with friends.  I've set up my wind trainer in the garage and have been spinning on the bike a couple nights a week, plan to start running a bit too as the ski season closes out and mountain bike season is just around the corner.  Spring is hard where I live as there is a bit of a mud season between winter and spring so it's always hard to motivate, but this year getting out and after it will be more important than ever. 

I have to say that my physical health is what has suffered the most in this relationship.  Before I met my uBPDw I mountain biked, skied, climbed, trail ran, kayaked, backpacked, had a great physically active social network and I was extremely fit and happy.  After we met it all was just slowly sucked out of me in the most insidious way, I never even saw it coming or happening?  It was like one day I woke up and had just been all consumed by her needs and my fitness and network of active friends were gone?  Now I'm overweight and struggling to regain that fitness and the happiness and relationships those activities brought to my life... .one day at a time I guess.

NS

[livednlearned]

I have to say that my physical health is what has suffered the most in this relationship.  Before I met my uBPDw I mountain biked, skied, climbed, trail ran, kayaked, backpacked, had a great physically active social network and I was extremely fit and happy.  After we met it all was just slowly sucked out of me in the most insidious way, I never even saw it coming or happening?  It was like one day I woke up and had just been all consumed by her needs and my fitness and network of active friends were gone? 

Wow, that is almost identical to what happened in my life with N/BPDx, too.

[takingandsending]

Same here. Lost all my hiking/climbing buddies. Stopped doing what I loved. It's one of the things I identified when I did the SWOE workbook - it was the first time I started to pierce through the FOG and see just how much I had sacrificed to remain in a non-functioning relationship.

I am glad you are jumping on the bike trainer and getting out skiing. Sounds like we live in a similar type of area for terrain and climate. If so, the good news is, there is a lot of opportunity to jump back into outdoor activity and health ... .and plenty of people to do it with. Sounds like you are making your way back to those things that brought you joy, and that can only be a good thing!   

[The Teacher]

Ditto on the negative effects of BPD on my physical well-being. It really amazed me how my health deteriorated. It took me some time to figure out that my BPD wife was an alcoholic. I started out just thinking that she drank a lot. She put pressure on me to drink with her, made me drinks without my asking, and was upset if I told her I didn't want to drink. She drank 7/365, starting pretty early in the afternoons on weekends. I talked to m doctor about it in my first year and he told me to back off of the drinking. Concurrent with her drinking was the elimination of any exercise. I'd want to go for a bike ride, a run, or a long walk, and she'd launch into a big diatribe about "Why do you want to do things without me?" She wasn't physically active and if I did go out with her to exercise, she'd tired after a mile walk or 2-3 miles on a bike. I entered the relationship weighing 200 pounds and the weight crept up to 265 by the time I called it quits. I am now 195, heading towards 185 (considered normal BMI for my larger than average 6'1" frame). I have not had a drop of alcohol in 13 months and can't imagine ever having another sip. I average 9-10 miles a day walking. The emotional and verbal abuse was pretty bad, too. I've been out of my house for going on seven months now and my physical and emotional well-being are markedly improved. I feel detoxed.

[NewStart]

Sounds like this physical deterioration piece and how those out there rebounded might make a good thread?

takingandsending and The Teacher, it sounds like you both got on the right track, did you find it hard to be consistent during the heat of the divorce process and/or was it easier when you final gained some distance from your BPD partner?

NS

[takingandsending]

did you find it hard to be consistent during the heat of the divorce process and/or was it easier when you final gained some distance from your BPD partner?

Oh boy. Loaded question. Yes! I do find it hard to be consistent in communication, boundaries, self-care, you name it during the divorce process. Sometimes, the only thing that gives me strength to continue this process is that spaciousness and openness I sense when I visualize living apart from my wife. The freedom and joy I feel when I am with my sons apart from my wife is a real experience, and it convinces me (over and over again) that I have made the best choice in my life, no matter what hardship or difficulty I am currently enduring in the divorce process.

But be prepared. Because the process does bring out worse behavior or at a minimum, more frequent incidences of the behaviors that drove you to be at the point of divorce in the first place. I realize that underlying much of my wife is a fear of being out of control because of whatever that means to her that she is afraid to look at. So, she exerts control in poorly reasoned, childish ways that hurt the people around her. In the divorce process, even a healthy person will struggle with the loss of control (loss of control of seeing/interacting with kids every day, loss of financial control, loss of control of what you do or do not possess, where you will live). So for someone like my wife, the real experiences of loss of control in a divorce pushes her into hyperdrive, trying to exert control more and more forcefully in all the unworkable, maladapted ways she knows. But, it still sucks to be on the receiving end of it. And keeping straight what I need and what I want is a real effort. Keep working on your boundaries and how you defend them. Critical in these circumstances.

[The Teacher]

takingandsending and The Teacher, it sounds like you both got on the right track, did you find it hard to be consistent during the heat of the divorce process and/or was it easier when you final gained some distance from your BPD partner NS

I got on track immediately because within five days of filing for divorce, she had made enough threats about falsely accusing me of domestic violence for me to flee my home. I have been out of my home since August 16th, and the peace of mind of not being with her (especially when I put her under duress by filing (the ultimate form of "abandoning her" has been amazing. I could walk, exercise, relax, sleep as much as I wished... .

There are times I get angry about being forced to flee, but I don't regret it for one moment, especially after reading stories about people who suffered the consequences of being falsely accused. I am absolutely certain that had I stayed, she would have smashed her face with a frying pan and called the police (if you've seen the movie Gone Girl, you'll get a clue).

The Teacher

[ForeverDad]

I recall my then-spouse had a seminar in another city a few hours away and she was gone for a few days.  The peace and quiet was too brief.  Then a year or so later we separated... .I had a TPO and she wasn't allowed to return to the house.  That first night was so unbelievable, as I've written before, the silence was deafening.  It was a long two year divorce process and very stressful but living apart was immediate relief and a glimmer of the life to come.

[formflier]

When is the deadline for the discovery documents?

FF

[whirlpoollife]

I can relate too to the waiting under the same roof. I had filed for divorce but had to wait five months for anything to start.  I got to be the one who stayed , it wasn't a house that I had bought before the marriage but the down payment and improvements came from myself and my family. Their hard earned money that my xh felt was his because I filed for divorce.  I sometimes wish I just walked away from it, but couldnt because xh wanted it free and clear from me.  The months waiting before he had to leave was hell , I don't ever want to relive it. I had the sociopathic narcisit of a husband . He alienated the kids from me in that time. I wasn't allowed the car when he was there. I was scared to move or speak when he was there.  I caught on I that he was recording me after following me around picking a fight.  He stayed in the house to the very last minute ,made a big show of him leaving , getting kicked out by me. 
I'm not looking for sympathy but if I made it though so can you! 
Hopefully the discovery documents will show that you owned the house prior to the marriage. And she will be the one to have to leave. 
All of this is very consuming , it can easily overtake a person emotionally and physically.

[NewStart]

The months waiting before he had to leave was hell , I don't ever want to relive it.

This is where I'm at, we have mediation at the end of this month but I'm not holding my breath that she will make any reasonable offers.  I spoke with my attorney yesterday and we don't even have a pretrial date until late may and he said if it goes to trial it probably wouldn't be until January or February of 2018? 

When is the deadline for the discovery documents?

Monday and my attorney has only received a smattering of what he requested.  Apparently if we don't have them Monday then there's a whole other court requested process that can take another several weeks... .I don't know if these are stall tactics or just how these processes work, but I am SO exhausted with having to live with my uBPDw I don't know how much longer I can handle being under the same roof.  I feel bad for my boys too, my 15 year old told me the other day he would prefer to live with his mom so he doesn't have to come over and see his stepmom (my uBPDw).  I am praying that we come to a resolution in mediation... .

... .but living apart was immediate relief and a glimmer of the life to come.

This is what I need, living under the same roof with this woman is slowly killing me... .and I'm not joking, I can just feel my health slowly draining from my body, I feel more exhausted each and every day both mentally and physically.  It's been my house for over 12 years and she's only been there for 2.5 years, but I am tempted to move out just to get away from her... .just to try to regain my sense of self... .to regain my health... .

NS

[The Teacher]

I would think really hard before moving out. As long as there is no threat about false accusations being made, and you can isolate yourself from her within the house, I think it's wise to stay in the home you own.

I left my home, and it HAS been more peaceful. However, there's a downside that works against it to create stress.

and within 30 days my wife filed a restraining order blocking me from returning to it, then filed a motion to pay temporary spousal support (mortgage, utilities, car and health insurance). Since that time, she's been living like a teenager, spending freely on herself, while I'm scraping by to survive. Once she got ensconced in my home with me paying all of the bills, she was in no rush to leave. She took 2-1/2 months to get an appraisal done on a joint property she wanted equity from, followed by another two months asking for an appraisal of my home to go after the equity in it. Meanwhile, she harassed me with emails and texts about trivial imagined problems with the home. For example, sending me a dozen emails and texts telling me that the water heater was making "exploding noises", copying her attorney on some of those, then canceling appointments I made for my plumber multiple times. He finally looked at it, drained the water heater, refilled it, and told me there was no problem. The result? He said the water heater is fine, gave me a bill for $210, and asked me to never call him again until the divorce is over (due to her behavior). My utility bills also shot up 75%! I have to pay these. After seven months, she advanced a settlement proposal that was ludicrous.  The worst thing (and most hurtful) was that when I returned to the home while she was at work, I found a lot of my personal possessions missing. She's either hidden them or destroyed them. I don't know. She has also gone through every personal item of mine and taken photographs of things saying "Look what I found"... .I've emailed or texted my neighbors a few times, and they do not reply. Lord only knows the stories she has told.

Do what you can to hang in there. It's your house. It's not always less stressful when you are deprived of it, and I think in my case it just made the divorce process drag out. Again, I was threatened, and she was capable of acting on those threats. So it made sense for me to leave.

The Teacher

[NewStart]

I would think really hard before moving out. As long as there is no threat about false accusations being made, and you can isolate yourself from her within the house, I think it's wise to stay in the home you own.

I know it is... .but at this point I've taken to not even going home because it so uncomfortable.  I've got a detached garage/man cave that with spring around the corner will hopefully bring some solace and help me isolate myself from the uncomfortable space.  I think the part I'm hating the most is feeling like a prisoner in my own home.

The Teacher, it sounds like your situation has been a true nightmare and when I read your last response to this post it makes me think that if I moved out before any kind of court ordered date of sale or a buy out, my uBPDw would drag this thing out for years!

I've emailed or texted my neighbors a few times, and they do not reply. Lord only knows the stories she has told.

I'm right there with you, I've been in my house since 2003 and loved by everyone in my neighborhood, but now 1/2 of them look the other way or walk inside when they see me coming... .

NS

 

[formflier]

Hopefully you can focus on "doing your time" in prison... .and then getting on with your life.  There is an end in sight. 

And I DO think there is potential benefit to staying in your home... .staking out the territory so to speak. 

Has your L advised that this is good strategy?  Does this help his legal strategy?

FF

[NewStart]

And I DO think there is potential benefit to staying in your home... .staking out the territory so to speak.

Unfortunately I think you're probably right formflier.  I was thinking about this issue this morning and I need a game plan.  I need to organize my space, get all my running and riding stuff in order, spring clean my garage/man cave area and just start getting myself back despite her very effective attempts at making things so uncomfortable in my own home that my boys and I don't want to be there.

Has your L advised that this is good strategy?  Does this help his legal strategy?

Good news is discovery deadline was Monday and my attorney wants to meet with me this morning... .bad news is there are more discovery requests of me... .have NO idea what those could be?

NS

[formflier]

Hey... make sure that your attorney thinks your best legal strategy... .best form of leverage... .is for you to stay put in your home.

If he has alternate ideas that get you "a better deal" for you in the divorce... .you should explore those fully.

I would want you to be able to articulate EXACTLY why you are still living with her... .

That will help you keep your sanity... .

I also wonder... .and you should probably ask... .if you should get a storage in your name.  Do I remember her breaking things... .or perhaps she was just inventorying. 

Basic thought... .if there is stuff in the house you REALLY care about... .I would put it in storage.  At a minimum, I would insure it in your name only.

If it is insured in both of your names... .you can't destroy or steal your own stuff.  So... .you are screwed.  If you insure it in your name... .then... .possibly, if she breaks a bunch of stuff... .or takes it, then it would be insurance company versus her trying to recoup their losses.  If the policy would cost much... .you should check this out with your L... .before going to far down that road. 


FF

[Panda39]

Along the lines of what formflier suggests with storage, you might also want to make copies of any important documents if you haven't already and keep them at work or somewhere other than your house. (deed to your house, marriage license, banking information, life insurance, car insurance, medical insurance, car registration pension, social security card, birth certificate etc... .) Try to come up with a plan to protect those things that are most valuable to you or you might need later.

Panda39

[formflier]

I like digitization... for it's own sake.  In the Navy we went through the process of making all our records digital.  That was a real pain.

But... .once done, it had huge benefits.

Slowly but surely I've done the same with personal records and business records.  They are stored in google docs, behind a strong password.  My physical files are a lot less... .I only keep paper copies on hand for current issues I'm working on.  That way I can scribble notes on them... etc etc.

Another way of looking at it... .

If she gets ticked and burned everything in this file... .what would I need to have... .what would I like to have... .and what wouldn't matter.  That will help you prioritize what you digitize.

I've got a combination copier/printer/scanner thing that can do two sided scanning and printing... .really handy.


FF