Past tense when referring to living adult child?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mil saw my husband for his birthday and as she was leaving she said, "Happy Birthday, you were a good son". I thought maybe I had misheard, but later my husband asked me if I had heard her say it. This is the second time that she's done this. The other time, when describing his sibling, she used present tense and when describing him she used past tense. Am wondering why she would do this. They do have another sibling who passed away 10 years ago (was golden child), maybe it's related to that?  

[Seoulsister]

My mil saw my husband for his birthday and as she was leaving she said, "Happy Birthday, you were a good son". I thought maybe I had misheard, but later my husband asked me if I had heard her say it. This is the second time that she's done this. The other time, when describing his sibling, she used present tense and when describing him she used past tense. Am wondering why she would do this. They do have another sibling who passed away 10 years ago (was golden child), maybe it's related to that?  

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Seoulsister:

Interesting question?  How old is your MIL?  Does she periodically misspeak or get names confused/reversed?  It used to be common for my parents to occasionally misspeak names and get things confused.  Occasionally, someone was referred to by the dog's name. 

What's behind it, whether is is done conscientiously or sub-conscientiously, might be hard to figure out.  If she did it on purpose, to make your husband feel bad, it won't have power, unless you react

How does your MIL act towards your husband?  You say his deceased sibling was the golden child.  Was your husband painted black as a child?  Has he been painted black as an adult? 

 

[Seoulsister]

Hi NN, she is early 60s and not one to get names confused. She and my husband do not have a close relationship.  I don't know if he's all black, but it seems that no matter what he does or says she'll find the anti-mom conspiracy in it. Other family members tend to tip toe around and he's blunt and honest, which doesn't bode well with parents who live in the land of make believe.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Other family members tend to tip toe around and he's blunt and honest, which doesn't bode well with parents who live in the land of make believe.

I agree, blunt and honest probably isn't accepted well by his mom.  Does your husband accept the relationship for what it is?  He isn't likely to be on her good side, unless he want to do some tip toeing around some eggshells, which may have been something his brother was able to provide.

[Seoulsister]

He accepts it and remains low contact. Yes, golden child had same mental illness dx as mil, she often says is the only person who has ever understood her.  At times that lead to manipulation, in laws making my husband take the fall for GC's indiscretions because husband was younger and would get in less trouble. Though they don't remember this, naturally. Thanks so much for the responses, it's nice to read your feedback.