my BPD mother is coming to live with myself, spouse, and two small kids

[lalaland123]

My mother has BPD. I had no idea what that really meant until I was an adult. I still have a very hard time being around her for even short amounts of time without her intentionally trying to get a rise out of me. She has worn out all of her recourses in her family and friends and has been "homeless" couch surfing for over 4 years now. I have a son on the spectrum whom loves her deeply as she can connect with him in a child like manner . recently my spouse and I have consulted the family on who was going to let her stay in their home, and came to the conclusion we were the only ones able and willing to try and help. I am having a lot of anxiety and fear over what having her In our home will look like between our interactions and her ability to have any "rules" or boundaries which my son and sons really rely on. I worry about the access to coping tools I will need having her in our home. I worry about her language around my kids or they way she speaks to myself and my spouse. I worry that my kids wont understand when she is randomly crying or yelling at someone for some unknown undeserving reason. I don't know who to turn to for advice . its easy to see when her mood changes but its not easy to deal with or find a way out it being projected onto everyone else. what do I do? how do I stay sane? how can I help and not be dragged down by her?

[Mutt]

Hi lalalad123, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I can see how that would be emotionally distressing when you have a parent with a mental disorder stay with you and you're family.

its easy to see when her mood changes but its not easy to deal with or find a way out it being projected onto everyone else. what do I do? how do I stay sane? how can I help and not be dragged down by her?

don't know who to turn to for advice . its easy to see when her mood changes but its not easy to deal with or find a way out it being projected onto everyone else. what do I do? how do I stay sane? how can I help and not be dragged down by her?

 You're not alone, many of our members here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. I'm sure that there is another member here that had a parent with BPD move in with them, I can see how that would feel heartbreaking that she's been couch surfing for the last few years and that she's almost backed into a corner.
 
 It helps to read as much as you can about the disorder, you can find the lessons on the right side of the board, I'll give you a link to radical acceptance, I completely understand the anxiety that a pwBPD trigger in those that are closest to them, radical acceptance is accepting things as they are and not as how we would wish them to be, it doesn't mean that you can't have your feelings about your mom's behaviors, that's where it helps to talk to people that aren't going to invalidate or judge you because we get it.
 
 Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi lalaland123:
I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you.
I'm sorry to hear that you are the chosen sibling to house your BPD mom.  How old is your mom?  Has your mom been kinder to you, in the past, as opposed to your other siblings?

I am having a lot of anxiety and fear over what having her In our home will look like between our interactions and her ability to have any "rules" or boundaries which my son and sons really rely on. I worry about the access to coping tools I will need having her in our home. I worry about her language around my kids or they way she speaks to myself and my spouse. I worry that my kids wont understand when she is randomly crying or yelling at someone for some unknown undeserving reason. I don't know who to turn to for advice .  

Do you anticipate that you mom will appreciate letting her live with you?  Have you thought about requiring her to get therapy in order to live with you?  Perhaps, you could go to joint therapy?

Throwing out some ideas and perhaps rules to present to your mom in advance of her move in:

• Let your mom know that foul language is not allowed.  Her language must be child appropriate
  
  
• Inform the children, in an age appropriate manner, that grandma is not well and she sometimes acts in bad ways.  You might want to have a little prep talk, before grandma moves in and then have some follow up talks, as grandma has episodes.
  
  
• Use the skill of validation/not invalidating. Don't invalidate grandma's feelings (by word, body language or expression).  The lessons at the links below can be helpful.
  VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE
  INVALIDATION EXAMPLES
  VALIDATION - LEVELS OF VALIDATION
  
  
• Learn how to use "I" Statements: The 19-minute video at the link below is a helpful tutorial for using "I" Statements:
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDExNRJCUp0

[Fie]

Hello Lalaland123,


Welcome here !

I have a mum with BPD as well as a grandma, so I can relate.

Have you heard about FOG ?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Children of BPD are taught to feel guilty / obligated whenever they don’t meet the needs of the BPD parent. Personal boundaries are not allowed. We have to live for them !

I think it is for a good reason that your siblings are not willing to take your mother in.
It is of course only my personal opinion, but I would encourage you to think very well if this is what you really want. Is it really ok for you to sacrifice your peace of mind, the peace of mind of your husband and the one of your children, for someone who will most  probably cause turmoil in your household ?
Your son is on the spectrum. I imagine this is giving you a lot of stress. Even ‘normal’ children in a ‘normal’ household sometimes ask a lot of us. Add a BPD grandma to the mix, and there really is a lot to deal with (I speak from experience). Invite the BPD grandma to come live with you and I don’t think there will be space left for everyone to just enjoy each other’s company.

You will have to cope with an awful lot. You will have to explain things to your son that are unexplainable (been there with my daughter). You will be stressed out (you already are, understandably). You will sacrifice your family for a mother you probably wished you had – but never will have (sorry for sounding harsh … I guess us children of BPD at one point all have to accept that we will never ‘really’ have a parent. We hope and we hope and we do whatever they want us to do, we cross our own boundaries, and often we don’t even have boundaries. All in the hope that we will finally get the love we never got from them as a child. Until we realize we never got it, because they cannot give it, they are simply not the parent we wished they are. And crossing our boundaries time and time again is not going to change that.)

I am not judging you. And this is only my opinion, there are probably members who think otherwise.  But personally I think allowing your mum to come live with you will take a huge toll on your family and on *you*. Your children need sanity to grow up with. I don’t think living with a BPD grandma could possibly give them that.
Their grandma will have a huge impact on their daily life and will for sure also have an impact on their  personality, like you and your husband will have. But do you think that's a good thing in case of someone with BPD ? Are there things your children can learn from your mum ? Will she have a positive influence on the life of your children ? Did you grow up to be a happy, balanced person after having lived with your mum as a child ?

I hope you don't think I am sounding too harsh, and please excuse me if I do. I just want to show you that there is also another way to see this, and you are in no way obligated to do the impossible.

What do you think ?
Do you have a therapist  who you can rely on ?
Again, welcome here, we understand