Left BPD partner and missing him despite the horrible behaviour

[alemanni]

Hello there. Very happy that I have found this website. 3 month after my boyfriend ended relationship with  me and I miss him terribly. Feel like I am going crazy inside. H left me via text message 2 days before Christmas and stated that he talked and talked and talked and I was not listening and this situation is not forward moving. I don't know why but fell really hard for this person and find it hard to cope now. He is/shows that he is very caring, warm and very charismatic out in the world. When things started changing in the relationship I would think what did I do wrong here? He was very cruel and very cold verbally and just having normal conversations or everyday conversations turned into a huge blow up and fight. He would blame it all on me, tell me that I don't know how to be in a relationship and that I was not engaged. I have to say he really helped me get back on track when I was down and out waiting for hip replacement and just really not functioning well in the world. He was fantastic in getting me set up for surgery and that home was comfortable to come back to for healing. Emotionally he was not there for me and most times there was a discussion about how I was feeling about this or what I was thinking about this he would not be there and it had to be resolved via text message. He said some very cruel and hurtful things and starting gambling as I later found out. Something he was and is not able to talk about. He told me that I was a damaged woman and on it goes. And basically blame everything on me why the relationship did not work. I should be relieved. Why do I miss him? Am I just as sick? One minute I am convinced that he is a really nice and caring person, and the next minute I am flooded with all these terrible flash backs or arguments and fights we had. I felt that he was there to set the relationship up and once he knew he had me kind of started slithering out the back door emotionally. It is a roller coaster ride. He stopped texting me now all together, for some time we had contact via text a few times a week, that now completely stopped and now I am going crazy with things like I really miss him. I would have stayed with him for a long time even though things did not work for me either, as this is not how I want to be treated. I would say to him what is with the one up man ship? Is this a threat to you? Let's just talk but that did not happen it was a control and bullying kind of a situation. I am sorry I am all over the place here but this is how it is going in  my mind. Is he really that nice person that he made out to be or is he this very cold and cunning fish? I cannot make up my mind. I think he is both of it. It's crazy making and I feel crazy now in my head. PEW. What to do with this tremendous amount of confusion? I am sorry I am all over the place. Best to write in journal and come back when feeling a bit more clear. I am hurt I am grieving I am really confused but do know that I have suffered abuse in this relationship, that it's effects I wish to not keep with me. Let me learn my lesson, let me grow from this and let me focus on a brighter future. Is my mind playing tricks on me and also did I make this all up? HELP

[Idsrvt2]

Hello, I could have written this post, I feel the same, mine dumped me a month ago yesterday on the phone so coldly... .I'm all over the place as well and now can't eat going on three days.
He took care of me during some hapealth issues too but then dumped me the day I had treatment on my neck... .he had to dump me as the night prior I suggested we take a break

My story is posted on here.   Mine also used text , I told him please don't text to even say hello as that draws me back into using texting and if I'm on PMS and we are fighting it triggers me from my past and I will try to work it out via text, it's like he just would not get it... ,, and now he filed a protection order gained me and I have one on him.  In court he wanted it dropped ,

These people are just all over the place , they are not stable and thus in the end make us feel like we are loosing our minds.

Like you I really fell for him and you know what he said in one of his last texts to me.,,he didn't mean me harm he tried to break up twice and I wouldn't let him go.    He took no responsibility for his part i.e. There was no saying hey this didn't work we both tried... .his text was also child like , it def was his nice persona.

This board has helped me a lot and I'm looking for a therapist today as I can't go on living this way. 

[lovenature]

Welcome alemanni

No, your mind didn't play tricks and what you are feeling is normal. He is everything you experienced; PWBPD mirror others and this is part of why idealization in the beginning of the relationship is so wonderful. Once you get too close their fear of engulfment is triggered and they hurt you in order to push you away, then pull you back because their fear of abandonment is triggered. The devastating push/pull can occur on a moment to moment basis depending upon their feelings. To a PWBPD feelings=facts.
Keep reading and learning, posting, and stay complete no contact even though it is very painful.