Two Months NC Update

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is a list of issues I am trying to deal with how I feel about the situation, over two months NC. Thought I would share with those earlier on in their struggles. Perhaps it will be of some use. At least allows me to put some tangled thoughts on paper.

The difficulties of dealing/getting over my BPD relationship has been ridiculously tough. Long story short, basically had a run-in with a BPD at work that almost left me unemployed that paralleled the disastrous discard of a BPD relationship. The universe has a sense of humour that’s for sure. Just struggling along, trying to remember (unsuccessfully at this point if I’m honest) that life will get better and that I won’t be stuck in this mire of crap forever.

We have been no contact for two months approximately now. When she discarded and then tried to recycle me two weeks later I set strong boundaries that we would not be getting back together and that I did not want to be ‘friends’. She raged and painted me black. After about a month and a half of some very strange social media stalking she has went dark finally and I pray everyday that I will never hear from her again. The thought of seeing her even fills me with anxiety and dread and I just want this vile chapter of my life to come to a close forever. My NC boundaries are pretty strong, so barring a chance meeting I think I am free! The greatest accomplishment I am proud of so far is not looking at any of her social media. I have not had any inkling about what she is doing, which is so healthy for me. I feel less and less entangled everyday.

Now for the real work.

Along the way I have come to accept that my ex wasn’t ever good for me. I was always tense and nervous and although I never really got out of the honeymoon stage until the last month I am never going back nor am I ever going to let anyone treat my like that again. The pain from the situation is still there and is so sharp (like being stabbed with a hot blade) but I do realize now how healthy it has been to feel this pain, much of which has to do with my childhood, not my BPD relationships.  Dealing with the fact that my mother is likely disordered has not been easy, and this is another can of worms I am trying to carefully open without letting her or my siblings know. There is only so much my heart can take these days. What a mess!

I should just feel sorry for my recent BPD-ex and get rid of my anger.  I am so angry right now I almost can’t contain myself. How much this person hurt me is absolutely ridiculous, and although I understand now the nature of her actions because of her disorder I can’t help but feel I am much more aware of how dark our world is. I never thought I would have to deal with such negative consequences from getting in a romantic relationship. Not in my wildest dreams.  Not a great feeling to realize that I am a lot weaker than I thought I was, and that because I am so weak, I am vulnerable to people who will try to use and destroy me (I know this is not ‘on purpose’ for those who are disordered, but the end result is the same regardless). A humbling experience for sure. I am not a victim, I just need to learn better how to defend myself and pick better partners.

My BPD-ex is who she is, and there is nothing I can do to change that, nor was I ever going to be able to change her. She has to make her own choices, I can’t make them for her or for anyone else for that matter. I am just lucky to be away from her ->Although I keep having to re-convince myself of this on an hourly basis. My idealization of her is so strong. Sometimes I wonder if I am the one who is truly disordered. The emotional response and the intellectual response are at such odds.

More importantly I think I have learned at this point that I have to stop trying to rescue people or ‘fix them’.  This is arrogant, condescending, and downright not my responsibility, in friendship, family, and romantic relationships. My self-worth should not be validated in helping others, it should be based on the person I know (and am getting to know now for the first time) I am. Trying to redraw ways I should be validated is so difficult, rewriting the story of my emotional life feels impossible right now.

But I realize now that I can’t help anyone else because of how weak I am. I am like the blind leading the blind. It’s funny now, me saying no to every person who wants emotional and physical support from me. Before this was at the core of who I was. It feels weird being this ‘selfish’, although I know it is what is best for me now. I am laying low and rebuilding my defences for another day.

Finally, I have accepted that there were good things about the relationship, and that I shouldn’t convince myself that nothing was real or genuine. At best, the things that may have been lies or falsehoods in the relationship were real to me at the time and therefore I should appreciate them as things to find with someone who is not disordered.

Anyways thanks for reading if you got through these ramblings.

[marti644]

This is a list of issues I am trying to deal with how I feel about the situation, over two months NC. Thought I would share with those earlier on in their struggles. Perhaps it will be of some use. At least allows me to put some tangled thoughts on paper.

The difficulties of dealing/getting over my BPD relationship has been ridiculously tough. Long story short, basically had a run-in with a BPD at work that almost left me unemployed that paralleled the disastrous discard of a BPD relationship. The universe has a sense of humour that’s for sure. Just struggling along, trying to remember (unsuccessfully at this point if I’m honest) that life will get better and that I won’t be stuck in this mire of crap forever.

We have been no contact for two months approximately now. When she discarded and then tried to recycle me two weeks later I set strong boundaries that we would not be getting back together and that I did not want to be ‘friends’. She raged and painted me black. After about a month and a half of some very strange social media stalking she has went dark finally and I pray everyday that I will never hear from her again. The thought of seeing her even fills me with anxiety and dread and I just want this vile chapter of my life to come to a close forever. My NC boundaries are pretty strong, so barring a chance meeting I think I am free! The greatest accomplishment I am proud of so far is not looking at any of her social media. I have not had any inkling about what she is doing, which is so healthy for me. I feel less and less entangled everyday.

Now for the real work.

Along the way I have come to accept that my ex wasn’t ever good for me. I was always tense and nervous and although I never really got out of the honeymoon stage until the last month I am never going back nor am I ever going to let anyone treat my like that again. The pain from the situation is still there and is so sharp (like being stabbed with a hot blade) but I do realize now how healthy it has been to feel this pain, much of which has to do with my childhood, not my BPD relationships.  Dealing with the fact that my mother is likely disordered has not been easy, and this is another can of worms I am trying to carefully open without letting her or my siblings know. There is only so much my heart can take these days. What a mess!

I should just feel sorry for my recent BPD-ex and get rid of my anger.  I am so angry right now I almost can’t contain myself. How much this person hurt me is absolutely ridiculous, and although I understand now the nature of her actions because of her disorder I can’t help but feel I am much more aware of how dark our world is. I never thought I would have to deal with such negative consequences from getting in a romantic relationship. Not in my wildest dreams.  Not a great feeling to realize that I am a lot weaker than I thought I was, and that because I am so weak, I am vulnerable to people who will try to use and destroy me (I know this is not ‘on purpose’ for those who are disordered, but the end result is the same regardless). A humbling experience for sure. I am not a victim, I just need to learn better how to defend myself and pick better partners.

My BPD-ex is who she is, and there is nothing I can do to change that, nor was I ever going to be able to change her. She has to make her own choices, I can’t make them for her or for anyone else for that matter. I am just lucky to be away from her ->Although I keep having to re-convince myself of this on an hourly basis. My idealization of her is so strong. Sometimes I wonder if I am the one who is truly disordered. The emotional response and the intellectual response are at such odds.

More importantly I think I have learned at this point that I have to stop trying to rescue people or ‘fix them’.  This is arrogant, condescending, and downright not my responsibility, in friendship, family, and romantic relationships. My self-worth should not be validated in helping others, it should be based on the person I know (and am getting to know now for the first time) I am. Trying to redraw ways I should be validated is so difficult, rewriting the story of my emotional life feels impossible right now.

But I realize now that I can’t help anyone else because of how weak I am. I am like the blind leading the blind. It’s funny now, me saying no to every person who wants emotional and physical support from me. Before this was at the core of who I was. It feels weird being this ‘selfish’, although I know it is what is best for me now. I am laying low and rebuilding my defences for another day.

Finally, I have accepted that there were good things about the relationship, and that I shouldn’t convince myself that nothing was real or genuine. At best, the things that may have been lies or falsehoods in the relationship were real to me at the time and therefore I should appreciate them as things to find with someone who is not disordered.

Anyways thanks for reading if you got through these ramblings.

[LastSamurai]

Hi marti644,

Congratulations on your two months NC. I feel your pain. Everything you've mentioned I've either gone through or am currently going through now.

[earlyL]

I totally agree with everything you have written and am going through exactly the same thoughts. It is good to read them and know other people feel this way, although I hate this pain we are all suffering. I feel like I have a constant poison running through me. I am struggling, not quite NC yet but I long to be. It is so scary to think that we can be so affected by this kind of relationship.

Keep going. and keep posting, it sounds like you are on the right course.