Constantly Digging Up the Past

[Balance714]

Hi guys,

My pwBPD (wife) constantly brings up past issues.  I sometimes think these issues are  resolved and put behind us, but then out of nowhere, something triggers her and she randomly brings up the problem/fight again.  Then I have to re-live drama that i thought was over. Obviously, this is tiring and draining.  I'm tired of these fights getting recycled.

Just wondering, is this a common BPD trait?  Also, do you guys have any suggestions on how to deal with this the next time this happens?

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[abraxus]

Hi

Is it possible to give some examples of the kind of things she brings up.

[Balance714]

Hi

Is it possible to give some examples of the kind of things she brings up.

Yes.  This one night I went out with a female friend after work to celebrate her birthday.  This was while my wife and I we're just dating, not living together or married.  I told her the truth that i took my friend out to dinner for her bday.  She never met this female friend and had her suspicions.  She is very jealous.  She was mad that I even took her out and thinks I cheated on her with this friend.  Back then, i didn't know how she reacted to me having female friends.  Now i know.

So every now and then, when i think we're happy and comfortable, then bam! She brings this up again and we end up arguing.  I have to keep reassuring her that it was just a friendly dinner and nothing bad went down that night.

[DaddyBear77]

I can only speak from my own experience with my pwBPD, but no issue is EVER behind you. It's simply kept in a file to be brought up again and again, particularly when things are emotionally difficult.

I imagine that in the pwBPD, it goes something like this: "I feel unloved. There can't be any internal reason that I feel this way, or else I'd be 'wrong' or 'bad' in some way, and that's not possible. My partner isn't doing anything right NOW to make me feel unloved, but I clearly remember that time weeks / months / years ago where (s)he DID do something. What they did was clearly the bad / wrong thing that is causing this feeling. So I must just be feeling this way because of that old thing that happened. Maybe if I bring it up and my partner apologizes for it or explains it in some way, I can feel a little better." And then they're off to the races.

The particularly difficult ones are where your pwBPD plays on Fear, Obligation, and Guilt levers. "You had on obligation as my husband to come to my aid when I was crying" or "most men in your position would WANT to buy me nice things."

I'm trying to keep all of the above in mind when I hear these recycled issues come up, but it's hard. The common reactions to these issues is internal feelings of FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) and the external reaction for me is usually to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, and/or Explain)

Don't JADE https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280749.0
FOG https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

[once removed]

its certainly not unheard of, and something i experienced (something i did as well). my instincts tended to make things worse.

truth is, you dont have to "keep reassuring her". the issue is less about the fact that you took a female friend for dinner, and more about deep seated fears, insecurity, jealousy, and abandonment. you cant reassure a person out of that.

have you gotten familiar with the communication tools to the right -------> of the board? its very easy in these situations to fall into JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) territory.

we have two workshops here that i would have benefited from a great deal, and suspect you will too:

how to deal with a jealous partner: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0
on circular arguments: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

[Balance714]

Thanks for all the advice guys.  Do you guys have any examples on things to say when these recycled fights occur?

[once removed]

can you give us some examples of how the arguments tend to go (the he said/she said back and forth)? generally its best to focus on not making things worse before affecting major changes, and we can definitely help you do that.

[isilme]

I think it's common.  H states that he has "emotional recall".  When he is upset, it brings to mind all the other times he's felt that way, as if they are happening all over again.  And since for BPD emotions are fact that's all that matters at that time.  His emotions are like a feedback loop.

Regardless of the cause of the argument, or the things brought up in it, the best thing you can do is read up on "how to stop making tings worse", and find some things you can apply in your life.  Remember, just because they yell at you about one topic does not really mean that is the topic that upset them in the first place.  H can go off the rails by simply being left alone for a period of time during which he lets his mind visit old places and I will come home to find him ruminating over something 15 years past.  Or 5 years past.  It's all the same.

Look at the lessons and see what tools can be used for ANY drama, regardless of what the pwBPD chooses to claim is causing it.  Listen, validate feelings without taking blame, leave and take a break if things get too heated or look like it's stuck in a loop that can go on for hours.  

[Balance714]

can you give us some examples of how the arguments tend to go (the he said/she said back and forth)? generally its best to focus on not making things worse before affecting major changes, and we can definitely help you do that.

Wife:  Why did you take out your "friend" that night?  I know there's more going on.  I do not believe anything you say. 

Me:  This again?  There is nothing going on.  I just took an old friend out for her bday and didnt know how you reacted to me having female friends.  Now I know, so I do not talk to any of my female friends from the past.

Wife:  I still do not believe you.  One day the truth will come out.

Me:  I can't make you believe me.  You're going to have to figure out how to deal with this on your own.

Something like this 

[once removed]

not bad, especially if it ends there. it is a little JADEy (obviously we have to justify, argue, defend or explain ourselves sometimes) but saying things once and letting them stand is a good way to avoid circular arguments.

how do you think she might react if you tried something like this:

Wife:  Why did you take out your "friend" that night?  I know there's more going on.  I do not believe anything you say. 

You: What brought this up? What's on your mind?


listen with empathy. she may not answer the question directly, especially at first. redirect. get at whats driving the feeling.

[Balance714]

not bad, especially if it ends there. it is a little JADEy (obviously we have to justify, argue, defend or explain ourselves sometimes) but saying things once and letting them stand is a good way to avoid circular arguments.

how do you think she might react if you tried something like this:

Wife:  Why did you take out your "friend" that night?  I know there's more going on.  I do not believe anything you say. 

You: What brought this up? What's on your mind?


listen with empathy. she may not answer the question directly, especially at first. redirect. get at whats driving the feeling.

Hmm...   Never thought about this way.  I'll give it a shot.  Thanks!

[once removed]

let us know how it goes, and keep your expectations realistic. youre trying to change a dynamic thats been (im assuming) long standing. there will be some trial and error for sure. we are here to help