Should have trusted my instincts...

[Chaffers]

Hello,

I am Chaffers and I am an addict.

A junkie who, by his stupidity brought three children into this world who will now likely reside in foster homes their entire young lives.

 I remember the night well. I knew something was up, I knew she'd lied to me and I resolved to do what I had allways done and trust my instincts. I was about to ring a taxi to the train station when she called, asked where I was and said she was on her way to pick me up.

That was 2009 and I was about to head off to work abroad. The single lass with no children who ___ed like a porn star despite only ever having had one relationship before me somehow morphed into a married woman with two children, a dog and a husband who seemed strangely friendly and almost glad I had taken over responsibility for her whilst I was away on tour.

 When I got back we moved in together, though my absence had clearly been harder on her than on me. Depressed, utterly skint and clearly miserable she seemed to have done precisely nothing for six months. So like a good knight I splashed the cash, took her weakness as a charming reflection of how much she'd missed me and marveled at her abilities in the bedroom.

What she said didn't make sense, her fury could erupt from nothing and the trash would literally pile up around her where she dropped it but I was in love. And she was hot. Then she celebrated announcing she was pregnant with a cigarette. Oh dear... .

 Trying to get her to stop smoking whilst pregnant was controlling. Expecting that she could walk the 30 yards to the doctors for her medication once a month unreasonable and expressing any concerns about 28 hours straight playing Facebook games provoked swift and viscous retaliation.

I'll spare you the 90mph car chase whilst she tried to ram me off the road repeatedly with my children in her backseat. Also the 6 house moves, not including hostels, due to walk outs, kick outs and refusal to clean or look after what she had.  And the perpetual lies, threats, insults and abuse. Also the two times my son was seriously scalded due to her neglect.

 Finding that she'd been talking to other men in the computer was innocent as she wasn't like me. Spending a weekend with one of them in a hotel and nothing happened. Discovering that the same bloke had stayed at her house, he slept in the sofa. Finding a text from him telling her how nice her pussy tasted? He was j just joking. A blurred photo of a cock on her phone, my accusations are merely admissions of my own guilt. Apparently.

I'd be accused of the same thing, though based upon a junk email, the way the barmaid had looked at me or merely the indisputable fact that I did this every 12 weeks. Try to answer the allegation seven more would be spat out like a machine gun.

She'd empty our bank account, buy every piece of cheap plastic tat the house could hold, hide white powder in her make up and never keep an appointment. All my fault.

We'd go swinging, not because "she couldn't go back to one cock"  but to stop me from cheating on her. Not that I ever got a choice in who was involved. Still, probably the only upside to a BPD. Nope it isn't worth it.

No reasonable request could not be refused for a spurious medical reason. No demand on me was unreasonable. Working full time and doing all the housework? I didn't help her enough with the kids. Try to spend time with the kids when she should be centre of attention? Big trouble. Try to distract her attention from her phone? Not interested. One handed affection I called it.

But none of that matters.

What matters is that night back in 2009 when my gut told me to cut and run. You won't stand a chance if you get in as deep as I was. Unless you can recognise the signs, trust your instinct and avoid, you are ___ed.

[Mutt]

Hi Chaffers, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, don't be hard on yourself. I completely understand how frustrating it is when we give everything that we have to our pwBPD and it's never enough, unless a pwBPD get help for themselves, things will remain relatively the same with the dependency, clingyness and anger. How old are the kids? Are you currently living together? Do you have a T ( Therapist) 

Many of us here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, you're not alone.

PS You'll find the lessons to the right side of the board 

[Chaffers]

How old are the kids? Are you currently living together? Do you have a T ( Therapist)

My children are three, four and five however were all taken into care last year. Unfortunately my partner seems, from text messages I've discovered since, to have treated the court proceedings almost as a custody battle and was busily planting allegations against me. That they harmed our chances and banished the children to a miserable life in care was less important than looking like a victim.

 She was living with me until a few weeks ago when I realised what she was. I had lots of questions which didn't make sense. Lots of things I couldn't explain. Trying to get an explanation from her, well I did manage it a couple of times but it took months. At least now I understand her notice and actions. A big thing for me.

 I don't have a therapist, though it seems they are called counsellors in the UK. Was on the NHS list for a year and a half without ever seeing one. Also work had a scheme, though it came to nothing. Put my name down the other day for another list, though they said six months wait at least.

On the verge of losing my house so can't really get one privately. I do wonder though whether my vertigo is psychological. My head has spun constantly for about nine months now. The doctors don't seem to be able to find anything wrong with me. Seems to spin more if I talk to her on Facebook though...

[Larmoyant]

Hi Chaffers,  I’d like to join Mutt in welcoming you to BPD Family   

. What matters is that night back in 2009 when my gut told me to cut and run. You won't stand a chance if you get in as deep as I was. Unless you can recognise the signs, trust your instinct and avoid, you are  please read               |ed.

.

Regrets. I too wished I’d never gone on that particular dating site, wished I’d listened to my gut when he first insulted me, tried to make me jealous, and raged. Like you, like most of us here, I didn’t heed the warning signs. You’ve found a good place here we understand and we can help you pick up the pieces.

What matters now is how you recover from all of this. I’m sorry you’re having difficulty getting help. Six months is a long time to wait. In the meantime, are there any not for profit organisations that might help you, both with emergency housing and counselling?

As for your children, it must be incredibly painful that they were taken into care. I don’t know the details, but is there a chance, down the line, when you’ve got the help you need, that you could get them back?

I sometimes suffer from vertigo myself and suspect it could be stress related. Given the stress you are under it could well be. There doesn’t seem to be much doctors can do to relieve it. Hopefully, with time it will settle.

You mention you now understand her actions and it’s a big thing for you. It helped me to understand too. Keep reading and posting. We're here for you. 

[Chaffers]

Thank you Larmoyant,

I've had to mentally give up any hope of getting my children back. Partly due to the lies told by social services but mainly due to the false accusations made by her which social services and the court swallowed hook, line and sinker.

Even thinking about them sends me quickly into depression. For about eight months I couldn't even watch the TV for fear of seeing children on it. Nor go outside etc. Leaving one abusive relationship is bad enough but social services are analogous to an authoritarian abuser with infinite power.

I can't help them or protect them. Anything I could do would make matters worse due to their perjury and my exes victim hood stories. Not a good position for a bloke to be in.

Longer term I would have to go back to court but even that would be tricky. Despite the children being in her sole care ( she seemed to enjoy denying me access to them)  it seems her sole motive was to make sure the judgement was against me and my constant (fictional) infidelity. Official validation for her story would be very difficult to overturn.

 I suspect she has been diagnosed before. I asked for psychological evaluations as part of the process and she downplayed key events, also seems to know an awful lot about BPD even though she deliberately confuses it with bipolar.

[Mutt]

Hi Chaffers,

I know that courts need to catch to modern times, thinking one parent is more suitable then another is a pretty old way of thinking, the judges from that era are going to retire. We have to deal with how things are and not for how we wish then to be. I can relate, everytime I set foot in the court doors I felt like I was one step down and my exuBPDw was one step up, it was an uphill battle but not an impossible one. That being said, what kind of distortions are we talking about with your ex?

[Chaffers]

 She claimed that I was emotionally abusive, and that she had been forced to flee with the children. In actuality she kicked me in the bollocks and left because she accused me of talking to women online.

 A social worker who should have known better checked her into a woman's refuge as fleeing domestic violence because they wouldn't have accepted her otherwise. Not actual domestic violence, she claimed she feared domestic violence if I retaliated to her assault. It's location was a secret hence I couldn't see the kids, though she was kicked out and continued to deny me access for some months afterwards.

Meanwhile she started a relationship with some goggle eyed gun nut from Hull. Oddly enough someone she had been talking online to for years. Seems he was a bdsm fan, he bought a dog collar for her and gave her a taste for it.

 Fast forward a bit and she claimed in court that her car had been vandalised by me and that I'd left a dog collar on the bonnet so she knew it was me. Hence she made it appear that I was the dominant one putting a collar on her... Was quite the opposite.  Social services therefore testified that I was sexually abusive.

 Lol. After not seeing my children for months I turned up at her door and accepted the offer of a cup of tea. You can guess the rest though within a couple of days I had crashed. Massive breakdown, I could barely speak and just felt infantilised and helpless.

She said she was going to show me what it felt like to be her. She would channel emotions into me. Talking about Hull bloke to make me jealous. Talking about the children when they grew up to make me ashamed and especially fear. She was big on fear. Smashed my ribs to bits. Almost daily assaults. She even texted one of her friends that I needed to be punished but she "had a straight razor"  and a plan.

 I can't prove it but she drugged me. Apparently some amphetamines enhance emotions, and she knows her amphetamines. She has other tales of drugging people. Put speed in my parents tea once when we'd split up for example and gave some would be car thief what she described as a space trip. Fed him acid and put a black bin bag over his head.

I've read the characterisations of BPDs. She was mainly a hermit though that summer she was a sadistic witch. She now claims those ten weeks were the only time she's ever been happy. Scarily she thinks I was happy too, rather than just willing to put up with anything in order to be with my children.

I think she knows she's a BPD. She's keen on psychology and even claims to have acted as an unofficial therapist for friends and family. One of her favourite gaslights though is to try to convince me I'm a narcissist. Allways puzzled me, though now I've read that narcissists and BPDs can sometimes have successful relationships I wonder what she was up to.

 Is it possible that a sophisticated borderline might even try to change someone into a sick personality that wouldnt leave them? She certainly dangled plenty of threesomes and the like in my lap, though I refused them. Her father was a creep who fathered numerous illegitimate children, enough of them that she recognised one of her half sisters purely by sight. Wales isn't that small a place...

 After he died I had a strange sense that she confused me with him sometimes. Seems he had a type and Rhiannedd was always trying to figure out what mine was. Who I fancied, why. Because it's that simple right? I think she was so insecure as to thinking she had to procure and supply women, of my 'type' to me.

Sorry I've rambled. The children were in her sole care yet the reasons given for taking them into care all revolved around me.

I know that doesn't make sense but honestly does any of the above?

[Chaffers]

 Over the last week or so I've been trying to get her to seek help. I'll spare you all the hell fury and abuse though its pretty clear that she knows already. First time I mentioned it, and before the full implications had sunk in, she blurted out that it was treatable. Which is an odd bit of knowledge to have.

Says she's gone to the police to complain about me stalking her, is leaving to live elsewhere but won't tell me where ( I wasnt going to ask and don't know where she is now ), is glad I have admitted that I never loved her ( when?)  but she's a survivor and will carry on despite my dumping her for another woman. 

Definitely not a borderline then.

Somewhere some poor bloke is going to be in a lot of trouble once she gets her dancing shoes out again.

[Aussie0zborn]

I can relate to many parts of your story and know exactly what you mean and  where you've been.

I'm pleased to see that you write so well and succinctly. To my mind, it's an indication that you have a good grip on this. As hard as your situation is with your kids and house and all, I think you're on a good track. I found this forum to be very helpful and I hope you stick around. Understanding BPD behaviours and relating your own story to that of others can be quite therapeutic.

Keep at it.

[Chaffers]

 Thank you Aussie.

After months of shutting myself away I find it quite therapeutic to talk about it.

 About to go out for a beer, for the first time in recent history to celebrate brexit. Small steps...

[Notwendy]

I know it is heartbreaking to have your children in foster care, but considering how unstable their mother is- it may be a chance for them to have a clean, nurturing home.

BPD is on a spectrum- so not all mothers with BPD are so unstable that their children need to be removed from them. However, a mother who doesn't clean up garbage, runs off with different men, isn't able to provide a level of sanitation or stability for raising a child.

I know that you are their father and you love them, but in your present state of dealing with this relationship- and the need to work- I wonder if you are able to constantly care for young children as well.

I speak from the perspective of someone who grew up with a severely BPD mother who was not capable of taking care of her home and children. One difference is that my father could afford household help. I resented this as a child- I didn't understand why my mommy wasn't like some of my friends' mommies. My friends had lovely home cooked meals, mothers who comforted them. I resented that it seemed I was being raised by sitters.

As an adult, and mother, I see this differently. I can see that my own mother has a mental illness. I am also grateful that someone provided care and stability for me as a child- even if these people were not my biological mother. I think this made a difference in the long run.

I don't think young children understand being taken from their parents, but they may understand this later. There may be a time where you or their mother petition the courts for custody. It would be better if this person were you.

I wonder if this separation from the kids could be seen as giving you some space to recover from the issues in this relationship, establish a stable home, and then petition to get the kids. In the meantime, the kids are probably getting a respite from the chaos of living with their mother. Yes, it is a sad thing to deal with, but it may also be a better situation for them.

If not in the near future, children do grow up. There is the chance they may seek you out when they are older. You are still their father no matter how old they are. One day perhaps you will be able to explain why this happened, that it isn't because their parents didn't love them, but that it was a chance for them to have some stability while their own home was unstable.

[Chaffers]

You're right Notwendy.

 Guttingly the ex spent the six months before the children were taken denying me access and being... .  Her. I knew there were problems,  I knew the white powder in her freezer drawer depleted quicker than before.  Can't say I was in a great state myself.

 Also social services lied. All they had to do was ask me, I would have given them chapter and verse. These things bite you in the arse unless you are completely honest.

Hence I blamed the ss, rather than her. The injustice probably clouded my judgement and complicated the trauma.

I am however in no fit state to look after children. Or myself for that matter.

[Chaffers]

 Just when I was starting to feel a bit better, making some tentative moves to get back on my feet, an envelope lands in my doormat.

Inside are the minutes from a review of my children's placements in care. Never going to be pretty reading though there was a bombshell or two in there.

 Supposedly my eldest daughter has made allegations that she saw the two of us having sex. Though in graphic and uncharacteristic language which my daughter, who is five years old would never use. She didn't even know what sex was before she went into care.

 Some months after court I found a text conversation between my ex and her mother where the former was encouraging her to make allegations against myself and my parents. There was a definite agreement that this would be done. There was also conversations with others where she coerced them into making allegations that I was seeing other women.

 So I broke nc to talk to her about this. She claims it never happened. Which in her language means I can't prove it. Checked the old phone and sure enough she had factory reset it.

I have no idea how to cope with this... .

[JohnLove]

Understand that "abuse by authorities" carries an enormous emotional pressure of at least 10x that of any individual. It goes without saying, take great care of yourself.

You need to speak to God about what has happened.

[Chaffers]

 Yeah, I need help from somewhere...

 I believe in God. Think organised religion is rather a nifty thing. Just never been quite my show.

 Everytime I think I'm getting back it seems I overextend. I try to lose myself in computer games but it is avoidance rather than dealing. Everytime I talk to someone I feel better... .Then have to spend the next week hiding in my house. My vertigo gets worse and I'm back to square zero.

 Could someone please call me an idiot, tell me to have a chat with the nearest mental health institution and stop trying to pretend it will all work out if I don't? And a priest. And my parents.

[GaGrl]

Ok, let me give it a go (minus calling you an idiot)... .

Get a therapist, by whatever means possible... .emotional health.

Talk to your priest... .spiritual health.

Take care of yourself... .physical health.

Engage with family and friends... .social and mental health and stimulation.

Your goal needs to be crystal clear clarity right now.

[DearHusband]

Chaffers,

What is it that you really want? What is the ideal outcome in your mind? What kind of life do you want for you, your kids, and your ex? What is your goal?

DH

[JohnLove]

Could someone please call me an idiot, tell me to have a chat with the nearest mental health institution and stop trying to pretend it will all work out if I don't? And a priest. And my parents.

That one person that knows you better than anyone just did.  

You know what you have to do.

[Chaffers]

Good question Dearhusband,

 Which is probably a major part of the problem. I want my children back obviously, but I know I'm not capable of looking after them myself. Not in my current state.

 Going back to court would mean cooperation with the ex, which would reinstate her responsibility for them. Given the lies she told, the unexplained things and my distrust of her in general its heartbreaking to admit that I think they are better off where they are for the moment.

She should have gone to prison for trying to ram me off the road with the children in the back of her car, if only the prosecutor had stuck to her guns...

 I haven't seen a therapist or really done anything. I think it's because I have little interest in getting better. I don't want to enjoy life without my children and don't see any realistic prospect of rescuing them. Whether I wanted to cooperate with the ex or not I don't think I'm capable. Twenty minutes on Facebook chat with her last week left me in a pretty bad state.

 I can't see any way of slicing through the Gordian knot. Can't think of anything that I want, or nothing realistic anyway.

[DearHusband]

Hi Chaffers  ,

You sound depressed. If so, until you take care of your depression it's going to be awfully hard to get motivated and rescue yourself so you can rescue your kids. And you need to do that - the first part anyway. I don't know if your kids need rescuing, but they do need to see their father get his life back in order.

At this point the enemy isn't your ex. It isn't Social Services. It's the depression. I hope you find the help you need to conquer it. Good luck and we are ALL rooting for you.

DH

[Chaffers]

 What does a mother do if told her child's life is in danger?

 Curiously this has happened twice now. Once where my son suffered a huge scald which infected. Toxic shock is deadly, she used to be a nurse, she knows this. I talked to her at 8am on the dot, expected her by 9 given her skills in an Alpha Romeo. Rang her again at half 9, she was just leaving. She turned up in the afternoon. Not that I really noticed at the time, I was just glad to see her. If only I'd had an inkling of the consequences.

 Fast forward to yesterday. A particularly incompetent and proudly sadistic social worker rang me, through gritted teeth. Not a pretty combination at the best of times. XX had an accident and was admitted to hospital. He's fine now and back with the same foster parents who somehow let him headbutt himself into unconsciousness just a couple of months ago. He's fine, doing great, oh but he did stop breathing for a while... .

...

 Your humble correspondent somewhat lost his rag.

 Calming down I re listened to the call, and it was evident it ( to use 'she' would tar actual human beings) only called me two days after the fact  because they couldn't get hold of XX.

 One friend said she was in XX. Presumably with deviant goggle eyed chap. I contacted many and a manhunt is under way. Thus far she hasn't answered the phone to friends or family. Except a brief message telling me she didn't believe me. Because fathers commonly make up these jolly little pranks don't they?

 Interestingly all of the many started out helpful and concerned, then seemingly turned and started throwing abuse at me. Answers on a postcard, can only assume the sisterhood values goggle eyed indiscretions higher than children's lives. Though now I think of it that is probably unfair, and a creeping habit of mine. I actually think it a testament to her magnetism that a purveyor of bad truth be thought bad. I do recall thinking, in a time frame around my first post, that my social inadequacies would be hidden by her abilities. Oh how they laughed.

 So she's now known for a full day that XX had a minor complaint of not breathing, has been very active on facebook and often on calls, but these aren't to any of her close friends or family. Pardon me, another foul mouthed tirade in my messenger from someone I contacted merely as they'd recently liked a post of hers, so wide did I draw the net. Starting to think my fictional sexual antics must be as famous in XX as her father's were. Curious that huh?

 But history repeats, she's been informed but doesn't appear to be turning up. Which is where I must beg for advice.

 First my theory. Before someone more knowledgeable puts me right.

 I read a study which indicates that BPDs upset children by... .Looking at them. I claim no expertise I am merely a geek in search of answers with some google fu and a hermit's time on his hands. They seem to call it blank face.  Children expect you to react, smile, coocheecoo and blow raspberries on them. If you don't they become very anxious very quickly. BPD's it is claimed, display a blank face approach. Something I'm familiar with before her fury.

 Is it my imagination playing tricks on me or was her one handed affection, whilst playing truly moronic facebook games, a bit too studied for someone so bright? Did she prefer to have the children so close that she didn't have to look at them? Did she even seek out troubled and difficult kids such that their antics wouldn't be blamed upon her? Was her supposed by me laziness in endless Disney actually a distraction mechanism from having to give the children attention? I could be kidding myself on my ability to spatially analyse old situations purely from memory but I have an inkling that her commands and rebukes would be delivered sideways without looking at the children, that her gaze wouldn't rest on them if they looked back at her.

 My children were always far calmer, in fact merely wonderfully and happily so, around me than her. For years I didn't believe it, every day the same with the kids had been a nightmare and she couldn't get anything done. Independent accounts however corroborate her stories.

 And here I go a step too far. Does she think that in times of crisis such as now she might upset the child rather than help? Is she, in reality, suffering from a disability which leaves her in zugzwang. To go to the child's aid and potentially upset inflicting harm, or to find any excuse why she can't, hoping only to share in more communal events or short time periods where she can keep up the act?

 A reach? Probably. Given the current situation however I must beg for your urgent advice.