Breaking point and introduction

[RunMom]

Hi, I am married to a man who has been diagnosed as Bi Polar 2 but I believe is also strongly BPD. We have had obvious ups and downs as he has been on and off meds depending upon his fantasy of not needing them anymore. He has now been unmedicated for about 6 months (because his psychiatrist told him to try it... .umm, ya, no) Things have gotten really bad this week to the point that I am scared he may hurt me. He has never been physical but his rage right now is next level and I feel like he has this violence simmering under the surface. I'm a runner and every time I leave to go meet a running group he says something under his breath like, "Hope you have fun running with all your fit friends. I guess I'm just a fat a** hole."

This week he has decided I am having an affair because I stayed at breakfast after a run longer than he though was normal and insisted he would "throw me in the pool and hold me under until I gave him a name". Then he got over that one and became obsessed with making love and apologizing. Then a day later, he called me a F-ing Wh-e because of an ex from 20 years ago that HE brought up when we were talking about what kind of car my youngest wants (this ex taught me how to drive a standard in his old Porche) Where that came from I have no idea but he was mad for a whole day because I had sex 20 years ago with this guy and he can't stand the thought that I have been with anyone else.   He then got over that and tried to do the obsessive love making apology but when I told him I didn't want to and that I needed some space before we were intimate, he became furious again and slept in another room.

We have two children. The 12 year old is his biological son and he can do no wrong. Even when the 12 year old is naughty, my husband will excuse it away as minor. My oldest is 19 and a college student from my first marriage.  My husband mostly can't stand anything the poor guy does. It is the most painful part of BPD in our family. Watching him follow my son around and accuse him of all manner of ridiculous things which my younger son does with not even a blink from his Dad. I think things have been much worse for my older son that I even realized because now that he is away at college, the anger is being directed at me. I have so much guilt over this.

We went to a therapist once that told us that the reason my oldest was defiant towards my husband is that I kept "rescuing him" from confrontations they would have. These confrontations were overblown, mean, manipulative, ridiculous and manufactured by my husband but I would try to do what the therapist said and let them "work it out". Now, every problem my husband creates with my oldest is my fault and he reminds me "Remember what the therapist told us? We wouldn't have these issues all these years if YOU would have stopped rescuing him." It's infuriating how he can manipulate reality to fit his needs at any moment.

That was about the most depressing introduction I have ever made. Sorry! I'm just at a breaking point.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mutt]

Hi RunMom,



I'd like welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time. No worries, this is place is here for members like you to vent and to get help with someone that has a pwBPD in their lives.

 I can relate with a child being split black over the other kids, it's heart breaking. This is just my theory but the T may of recognized that there was drama triangle at play and the reason why he said to stay out of it is so that the triangle would collapse and not perpetuate drama.

BPD is a mental illness that has the most coexisting mental illness attached to it and experts are not sure why, but BiP is a mental disorder that is comorbid with BPD and BiP is often confused with BPD. It can be difficult to identify all of the disorders that someone has, you want someone experienced with BPD.

If he does have BPD, it's a persecution complex, so the person really believes that their circumstances are caused externally, not from them but from others. PwBPD blame others and the world for their problems, don't take the blame for his actions / behaviors.

Now, I would be scared if my SO had the capicity to become violent, is your oldest out of the house? Have you called a women's shelter, they have trained staff that can help you with an exit plan, do you have an exit plan? I just to let you know that we're volunteers here and cannot help with an exit plan.

[RunMom]

Thanks so much for your response. I don't have an exit plan. I never thought in a million years I would need one. Something just seems different this time around and I am having a hard time putting my finger on it. I ask myself questions like Is he angrier than normal or am I more fragile than normal? Has it always been like this and I just block it out until the next time. I don't know?
I have lived in constant fear of him being physically abusive to my son but so far in 15 years it has only been verbal abuse (which is terrible too). My son is out of the house but his semester ends in May and my husband is already talking about how horrible it's going to be for him to have to deal with him. I've thought about getting my son an apartment so he doesn't have to deal with my husband but anytime I spend a dime on this child my husband gets furious that it's not his job to financially support my child and that my son's real Dad should do it (which he does... .we split everything 50-50)
My husband is on a trip right now for work so it's calm in the house. I'm not sure if this "phase" will be over by the time he returns or if something has changed now.

[Mutt]

Hi RunMom,

It's just a procaution, so you feel like something changed, what do you think that is? Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to your son's biological father to help him get a place after May?