Hi All,
Recently, I was thinking about how many people are no longer in my life as of the past two years... .
-My Grandmother
-My former BFF since HS
-My former work BFF
-My former neighbor I grew up with
-My mother
-My BPD Ex
Of all these people, four have reached out to me after "cutting me out cold" and ignoring me for months on end (my mother, grandmother, former work bff and former neighbor).
I have only responded actively to the former work BFF because I am located in a cubicle between two people she works directly with. I want to be professional and not look petty in my place of business.
The irony with her is she came to my cubicle the other day to talk badly about others we work with! We aren't even friends and she has told these very people some pretty unsavory things about me. Over the past few weeks I also found out whenever this friend and I would argue she would approach a very good friend of mine to hang out. The same friend she was telling me that I only hang out with this person because she has money. I bought a new bag and instead of saying, gee that's pretty I got "You are trying to keep up with the Jonesess. Why do you have to be like _____".
I wasn't being like anyone. This friend and I have good taste.
Now I am seeing this co-worker was likely jealous of me. She is in her late 50's and doesn't believe in "sharing" friends. After she ended our friendship she had all her friends un-friend me as well. Petty and silly but it still affected me.
When I look back on these relationships I see ALL of them were unhealthy and for the most part very one sided. How were they unhealthy? Well I let all of these people overstep my personal boundaries. I let all of them verbally disrespect me, and I consistently went back for more abuse. I pretty much begged them to forgive me for small slights, things most people would not be offended by or even want an apology for. If things were going to their plan everything was wonderful but if I needed anything or wanted to do something they didn't... .
there was "zero" compromise. The inability for them to compromise often left me resentful, yet I trudged on, alone. I didn't let their non involvement stop me from doing what I set out to do.
I am pretty stubborn myself at times! This doesn't mean I disregard others feelings. I respect others feeling and opinions but these individuals do not.
Last year I turned 40. They say there is a point in your life where you shed off friends, people who serve you no purpose anymore. While this wasn't intentional on my part, I feel this year I have an entirely new set of friends... .but my perspective is still the same. I still feel ultimately betrayed by people I invested my time in. People I supported yet never supported me in return.
All of these people (above) think I am rotten. All of them have talked badly behind my back and I have not reacted, at least not outwardly. Maybe that has caused them to act out worse? Personally, I think it bothers them to see I am not groveling as I have before with them. I am no longer begging for their attention. I could say I don't care anymore... .but that's not true. I just don't feel they DESERVE my friendship or time, especially after speaking badly about me. I vacillate between being angry and sad that I have been treated this way when all I have done is treat them with respect and kindness.
When my former neighbor and I had a falling out it was over dinner plans. My job keeps me extremely busy and I manage a staff of six. I told her I would need to change dinner plans because of a work engagement and she stopped talking. I reached out twice to her, cold silence. Finally I emailed her that growing up she was notorious for cancelling on me and my sister and we were disappointed many times. This was a work engagement I could not bail on and she should understand.
Silence.
Right before Christmas I get an email asking how my holidays were... .no mention of the eight months of silence. I didn't respond. My birthday rolls around and I get another email, Happy Birthday! Did you do anything fun? I waited a few days and responded simply, "It was nice, thank you. Hope you are well".
Last week I get another email... .ironically a week before her birthday. I ignored it and went about my life.
I feel like all these people want is to control me so they amp up the efforts. Then a part of me wonders if it's all my fault because the common denominator in all these relationships is ME and I am overthinking all of this. Maybe it's much simpler.
They say "water seeks it's own level". I feel like I have grown considerably since the demise of my relationship with my ex, although I have my moments of doubt from time to time. I have learned so much about myself and can see the unhealthiness of my "surroundings" and why they may have contributed to my staying with my ex much longer than I should have. I can also recognize things I didn't have words for until I learned about BPD like "passive aggressiveness".
This past Christmas my grandmother sent me a Christmas card wishing me well. She signed it her first and LAST name. If that's not passive-aggressive I don't know what is.
Again, I declined to respond.
So I am hoping the reason these people are falling away is because I have grown and am in a better place. It's hard because there WERE some good memories with these people.
Have any of you lost other people in your lives as you stepped away from your BPD relationships? Do you feel you lost people because of your actions or because you outgrew them as you have gotten healthier and stronger emotionally?
