How to handle mother's/father's day?

[BeagleGirl]

I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to ask for from my hwBPD for mother's day arrangements.  It's my weekend to have the kids, but I'm still not sure what to expect for mother's day.  S18 gets home from college today and I have negotiated some time in the family house tomorrow to be with my boys and get my laundry done.  Generally, I would assume that I will spend my time with the boys this weekend at my place, but since my apartment is only 350 sq ft and I only have a twin with trundle bed, I usually take the boys back to the family house each night rather than asking one of them to sleep on the floor. 

I know it's kind of silly, but I was kind of hoping to have my kids serve me breakfast in bed for mother's day.  Besides the tight sleeping quarters, I don't have a kitchen.  Just a microwave/microfridge, and two coil electric burner and the bathroom sink.  It's sufficient for me, but not really suitable for boys who seem a bit ill equipped to cook even in the fully outfitted kitchen in the family house.  I guess I just need to let that go.

Now for the part I struggle with more.  Normally hwBPD would take on the responsibility of saying "let's take mom out for mother's day lunch".  I suspect that he is planning on that, but I really don't want to spend the meal/afternoon with him.  I want to spend it with my boys, away from the "dark cloud" influence of my husband's presence.  It was pretty awkward spending our son's birthday together as a "family" last weekend.  I'm totally willing to do that for my boys, but feel like Mother's day is supposed to be about me.

I'm also thinking about father's day this year.  In the spirit of "do unto others what you would have them do unto you, I was thinking of gifting Friday night (normally a night I have with the boys) back to my husband so he can have the whole weekend with them and prompting (and giving them money) to take him out for lunch on father's day.  The irony is that he probably wants me to spend father's day with him and the boys.

I don't know that getting the mother's day celebration I want is a battle worth fighting, but I'm curious about how others handle these days with BPD spouses, especially during a separation.

[flourdust]

Quick note -- all the abbreviations in use here can be confusing. The typical usage is BPDh, not hwBPD. There's a Guide to Abbreviations here.

When we were separated last year, father's day fell on "her" weekend. I was not happy about that, but I also didn't want to turn it into a crisis, so I reasoned with myself that I could simply celebrate a belated father's day. So I arranged for brunch at a nice restaurant the following weekend. (One advantage of years of trying to live with BPD is tremendous flexibility around negative events and the ability to recognize when emotional regulation is to my advantage!)

For mother's day, I "helped" D10 buy a gift and card, then left them to it.

This year, we're in the divorce process but do not have a holiday schedule. The regular schedule has D11 with me for mother's day. BPDw actually approached me and made a reasonable offer for a swap. The fact that she could offer to barter instead of making threats and demands was a huge milestone. So, I swapped days with her, and D11 will be with her for mother's day and me for father's day. I'm planning on a brunch again, and once again I "helped" D11 buy chocolates and a card.

Fortunately, BPDw hasn't expressed any interest in trying to use the holidays to get back together with me, so I don't have that issue to contend with.

I'd suggest you make some plans for your holiday -- you may have to modify them to accommodate what fits your living circumstance. A nice breakfast out rather than breakfast in bed, for example. If you choose to offer your husband a swap, do so out of the goodness of your heart and your sense of what's right, and don't expect any reciprocal generosity. And don't let him use sentiment to pressure you into something you don't want. And do try to give yourself some emotional distance from all of this, so if the holidays are all blown to hell by failed negotiations this year, you can always have "belated mother's day," just like I did last year. You're the emotional adult here -- you don't have to let a ruined Hallmark holiday destroy you.

[BeagleGirl]

THANK YOU for the abbreviations list and for sharing how you handle the the holidays. 

[formflier]

I would take charge of mothers day and set up something that you want with the people that you want to be with.  Unapologetically .

Also not a good idea to have to "negotiate" with a pwBPD for something that is very important to you.

So... .sadly... .I'm thinking that your house is out. 

Can you take a couple hour drive and a nice hotel.  Perhaps a place that has breakfast included.  They can ride the elevator down... .get the food and bring it back to you.  Maybe some hiking/sightseeing and then drop them back off on Sunday evening.

If your pwBPD gives you a gift or a gesture... ."thank you!" is all that is needed.  If your pwBPD wants to "get into stuff"... .offer a time later in the week that works better.

For me:  I've found the coolest card ever.  There is a personal connection.  So... .I'm getting it and having kids fill it out.

Breakfast in bed is standard, nice lunch and then time with kids in the afternoon.  I've asked if there are specific things she wants and have gotten no answer.  I asked once and left the door open.

FF