Update and how do I find psychologists non-BPD's?

[Finallyawake]

Hi everyone. I'm not sure if any of you will remember me. I posted last summer. I am in my mid 40's and I realized last year my mom has BPD. She's in her 70's. She depends on me totally, but forces me to be dependent on her. She won't let me drive (I own the car), won't let me have friends (unless they want to be her friends too), won't let me date (unless she has a boyfriend first and now she does not want a boyfriend), and won't even let me decorate my home (which only I own and she lives in with me).

Of course, since she's a BPD, she gaslights me or rages at me if I ever try to discuss these issues with her. I'm at the point where I have mastered JADE and that has made her raging and splitting somewhat more tolerable for me, but does nothing to help me set boundaries with her to change my situation.

I shockingly still love my mother. I know it is not her fault she has BPD. At times we are best friends, but at times she verbally lashes out at me for hours at a time, saying the most evil, hateful things imaginable. The final straw was last weekend when she raged at me for hours. She thought I "defied" her by simply cutting a price tag off of something I purchased before she said it was ok to remove the tag. She told me that I hated her and made all kinds of threats. Yes, I realize fully how messed up her perception is.

Anyway, I've made lots of progress since my last post. I've completed reading my state's official driving manual, I have a secret boyfriend (one I have no future with, but that works well for me in my current situation), and just last week I confessed to my one remaining friend that my mom has BPD and I can't go on this way anymore.

My friend pointed out that in over 4 decades of me and her being friends, this was the first time I was in her car and went somewhere with her without my mother knowing.

I don't think my mom will ever admit she has a problem, so I've given up the hope that I can convince her to go into therapy. I've asked her in the past to go into therapy with me and she flat out refused. My mom is a high-functioning hermit witch borderline, so I am convinced there's no risk of her ever harming herself. She also clearly has narcissism, some kind of hypochondria, and some kind of obsessive-compulsive thing with food.

Anyway, my friend is willing to drive me to see a psychologist during my lunch break (Work is the one place Mom lets me go by myself). Now the big question is... .How do I find someone to help me? I want a psychologist because a counselor or social worker isn't going to have the educational background I am going to need to handle my complex situation. I don't think I need a psychiatrist because I don't need any medicine. I need someone who understands BPD well and can teach me the skills to create boundaries with my mother and help me develop the strength to enforce those boundaries.

Is there some resource that would list psychologists in my area that specialize in offering help specifically to a non-BPD? I've went to Psychologytoday.com, my health insurance, and Google, but none of those resources have been really helpful.

Any suggested resources would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[hope2727]

Hi and wow what a huge journey you have made. When I wanted a psychologist that was familiar with BPD I googled the ones in my area. I also looked for ones who were familiar with abuse cycles. I even called my local women's shelter and asked them for references. I then called the offices and asked some questions about their experience and theoretical approaches. I tried one but she was to far away. Then I tried another who helped but was to validating (I wanted my butt kicked.) I took a break for awhile and then I found a third who I saw until I couldn't afford it anymore but I may return off and on for a tune up as required. DOn't be afraid to switch if its a bad fit.  I wish you all the best.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Finallyawake:  

Good to see you again.  I remember your story and have wondered about how things are going for you.  Good to see that you are continuing to work on improving things for you and how you interact with your mom.

Anyway, I've made lots of progress since my last post. I've completed reading my state's official driving manual

That's a good step in the right direction.  What's your next step?  Perhaps a learner's permit?

I have a secret boyfriend (one I have no future with, but that works well for me in my current situation).  

Is this someone at work?  Is he unavailable in some way, or is he just someone you want to be friends with?  

Regarding ways to find a therapist:

THE LINEHAN INSTITUTE:
You can find a DBT therapist in the U.S. with this resource.  Since DBT is a common therapy used for those with personality disorders, therapists certified in DBT should be a good choice for a non dealing with someone with BPD.

www.behavioraltech.org/resources/crd.cfm

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY
Give this one another try.  After you enter your zip code, look at the menu to the left side.  If you click on the plus sign for "more", you will find "borderline personality".  Click on that search criteria. You should get a selection to check out.  When I use this search strategy, I get several pages of psychologists and can then look at individual profiles for further info.  Not all of those listed from the query will fit your need.  Things will differ in accordance with where you live.  If you live in a small city or rural area, you will need to broaden your geographical search.

https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/
 
One other way is to find a therapist, is to locate the best hospitals in your area for psychiatric care.  Call each one and ask for the Psychiatric Unit Nurse Manager or Medical Staff Administrative Assistant.  Ask for some names of psychologists who treat personality disorders (best to not narrow it down to BPD, but be more generic).

Hopefully some of this helps.  Let us know how it goes.  

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Finallyawake,

YAY!  Of course, we remember you!  So glad to see you back.  I have thought of you on several occasions and have wondered what has happened.  I am not on here very often anymore so feel lucky to have seen your post today.  I even looked for you once so please know that I and others definitely care about you!

Congrats on all the progress you've made!  I don't have any better suggestions than Naughty Nibbler's for finding a psychologist, but just wanted to say I concur  and don't give up!

You are worth it! 

So glad you are back!

XOXO
RML

[Finallyawake]

Thanks for reading my post and remembering me! I took the advise above from Naughty Nibbler (thank you!) and gave psychologytoday another chance. I found one psychologist that looks good.

Before I can proceed, I can't have any insurance claims coming to my home because my mother opens some of my mail. Yes, I know how messed up this is. Anyway, get this - my insurance company said they cannot stop sending me mail! Their suggestion to me was to get a PO box. So now I have to take on this expense, make periodic excuses that I have packages to mail so my mom will take me to the post office (she usually waits in the car when I go in), and I have to pray the post office never sends me anything to my home address (such as "time to renew your po box".

After all that is done, then I have to find out if the psychologist takes my insurance. If not, I will find another one.

I'm not venting (not that much anyway), but I wanted to share with you what my experience is like.

Anyway to answer Naughty Nibblers other questions - my secret boyfriend knows what's going on with me. He's got some things in his life too, so neither of us can really commit to each other long term. We are great friends, which is really what I need more in my life right now than a commitment to marriage.

Regarding driving, I have had my license for close to 30 years, but my mother has let me drive maybe 5 hours total in that entire time. For now, I've refreshed myself on the rules of the road and I watch from the passenger seat as if I was driving. I do this to prepare myself to eventually be behind the wheel. My next step is to either drive when my mom lets me (she keeps promising) or once I'm in therapy I will learn how to find my voice and give myself permission to drive.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Finallyawake:   
I'm glad the Psychology Today Search Engine finally worked for you.  Hopefully the psychologist you found will take your insurance.  If not, I'm sure you will find another.

Is it possible to have your insurance paperwork sent to your work address, or maybe generated electronically?

I'm happy that you are working towards starting therapy and are thinking about some goals to achieve, during that process.  We are here to help you celebrate along the way.   

my secret boyfriend knows what's going on with me. He's got some things in his life too, so neither of us can really commit to each other long term. We are great friends, which is really what I need more in my life right now than a commitment to marriage.   

I'm happy for you.  It's great to have friends and someone you can share with. 

Keep us posted.  Starting therapy can open up a whole new world for you.  That's exciting.

[Fie]

Hello Finallyawake 

I also remember you !
I have been wondering how you have been so I am happy to hear about you and your progress.

You go girl !
xx

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Yes, it seems like Naughty Nibbler's suggestion of electronic correspondence would be an option.  How computer savvy is your mother?  Could you tell her that the insurance company is encouraging everyone to move towards electronic statements?  I don't even think that would be false information.  Seems like banks and many other companies really are pushing that. 

So glad you are back on here and hope you won't stay away... .even if things progress more slowly than you would like.  bpdfamily is an amazing resource of support so I hope you will give that to yourself!

Keep up the good work.  One baby step after another adds up to a whole lot!

XOXO
RML