When they pull away don't chase? BPD Ex

[Depression = 72% of members]

Tough making this any shorter than what I typed so thanks in advance for reading.

I love my ex and when things were great they were the best. When they sucked they'd drive me insane. I didn't know about BPD until we split and she told me she thought she had it.

I really got on here a few weeks ago and read thread after thread of people who have very similar relationships as I did. I felt good and not so good. I finally was able to take some of the blame off myself which was good, the bad... .it might be harder to figure out how to make this work.

She has trouble maintaining relationships (self admittedly and what her family has said about her). Changed jobs 3 times and moved to 3 different cities since we've dated. We did long distance until the end which was hard. We were 3000 miles apart. Would get together every 6 weeks.

After shaking off some of the hurt after the breakup I began working on myself.

   •   I got accepted into a very good schooling program for a craft I'm pursuing.

   •   I've been in the gym 12 hours a week training for a contest.

   •   I've been making new friends and planning trips (ultimately taking care of myself.)

We dated on and off for a little over 3 years. First time was a few dates, second time was a few months split for 7 months and after splitting we made it official and dated two years with up and downs.

I knew she had some issues. Her mom also has BPD and is a trigger. Some days she'd be crazy about me. Others cold. It was hard but I could see the inner layers of her and the great caring, loving, hard working girl who was just scared.

When we split in December she was so triggered and distant I couldn't take it. I didn't know about BPD and pressed her about what was wrong which made her worse and our fighting worse. When we broke up she told me she loved me. I was her best friend. No guy has ever treated her like me. How successful I'm going to be in life. It was surreal. Why are we breaking up then?

I had to cut contact after I found out she was dating a guy soon after we split. He was a friend I questioned her about once because they hung out a lot. I don't think she cheated, but he was an easy target. It hurt and I will not be on the backburner.

She was sad that I didn't want to talk unless we were working on our relationship. She came to town 2.5 weeks ago. We have been split since January. First time I saw her since.

We got together and had an amazing weekend(her idea). She was in town to see friends but spent most of her time with me. I don't know if she's dating this guy we didn't talk about it but I think she is. It was a very intimate weekend of I love yous. She said she feels safe with me. Thinks about me daily. Sees a future with me. We still didn't talk about getting back together. Recognized there were issues that still needed work for both of us. She showered me with compliments. Was impressed with all I've been doing.…

That week she was very chatty/flirty and then distanced herself. I could see my feelings coming back strong. I was much more friendly with her after the encounter. Who wouldn’t be?

Maybe I should've played it more cool. I finally reached out when I saw her fading away. I said I’d like to visit if she was open to it and she could get back to me after her guests left town(10 days ago). I put the ball in her court. I let her know what a good time I had with her when she visited. I didn’t want to be in limbo and at least wanted her to know I was interested in moving forward.

After that its been radio silence.

I'm not hurt, although it has been on my mind a lot. She's always come back at some point. I want her back and I'm not sure of my next move. I've had it in my head that if she isn't going to respond to that text I'll let her reach out next. Maybe she got scared/felt smothered. In the meantime I'll be working on me.

Any thoughts/advice would be great.

[vladol]

Tough making this any shorter than what I typed so thanks in advance for reading.

I love my ex and when things were great they were the best. When they sucked they'd drive me insane. I didn't know about BPD until we split and she told me she thought she had it.

I really got on here a few weeks ago and read thread after thread of people who have very similar relationships as I did. I felt good and not so good. I finally was able to take some of the blame off myself which was good, the bad... .it might be harder to figure out how to make this work.

She has trouble maintaining relationships (self admittedly and what her family has said about her). Changed jobs 3 times and moved to 3 different cities since we've dated. We did long distance until the end which was hard. We were 3000 miles apart. Would get together every 6 weeks.

After shaking off some of the hurt after the breakup I began working on myself.

   •   I got accepted into a very good schooling program for a craft I'm pursuing.

   •   I've been in the gym 12 hours a week training for a contest.

   •   I've been making new friends and planning trips (ultimately taking care of myself.)

We dated on and off for a little over 3 years. First time was a few dates, second time was a few months split for 7 months and after splitting we made it official and dated two years with up and downs.

I knew she had some issues. Her mom also has BPD and is a trigger. Some days she'd be crazy about me. Others cold. It was hard but I could see the inner layers of her and the great caring, loving, hard working girl who was just scared.

When we split in December she was so triggered and distant I couldn't take it. I didn't know about BPD and pressed her about what was wrong which made her worse and our fighting worse. When we broke up she told me she loved me. I was her best friend. No guy has ever treated her like me. How successful I'm going to be in life. It was surreal. Why are we breaking up then?

I had to cut contact after I found out she was dating a guy soon after we split. He was a friend I questioned her about once because they hung out a lot. I don't think she cheated, but he was an easy target. It hurt and I will not be on the backburner.

She was sad that I didn't want to talk unless we were working on our relationship. She came to town 2.5 weeks ago. We have been split since January. First time I saw her since.

We got together and had an amazing weekend(her idea). She was in town to see friends but spent most of her time with me. I don't know if she's dating this guy we didn't talk about it but I think she is. It was a very intimate weekend of I love yous. She said she feels safe with me. Thinks about me daily. Sees a future with me. We still didn't talk about getting back together. Recognized there were issues that still needed work for both of us. She showered me with compliments. Was impressed with all I've been doing.…

That week she was very chatty/flirty and then distanced herself. I could see my feelings coming back strong. I was much more friendly with her after the encounter. Who wouldn’t be?

Maybe I should've played it more cool. I finally reached out when I saw her fading away. I said I’d like to visit if she was open to it and she could get back to me after her guests left town(10 days ago). I put the ball in her court. I let her know what a good time I had with her when she visited. I didn’t want to be in limbo and at least wanted her to know I was interested in moving forward.

After that its been radio silence.

I'm not hurt, although it has been on my mind a lot. She's always come back at some point. I want her back and I'm not sure of my next move. I've had it in my head that if she isn't going to respond to that text I'll let her reach out next. Maybe she got scared/felt smothered. In the meantime I'll be working on me.

Any thoughts/advice would be great.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[cubicinch]

Do you really want this to keep happening? The trait is for recycling, on and on until either you offer her nothing or you can't take anymore. Is this cycle of emotions correct? we have all been there, I want my ex gf back, it's been 2 moths of NC, but In know deep down if she does break it, she will only do this to me again. I have to get on with my life, do my things that she held me back from. Do the same, put yourself first, carry on being you, and think if you really truly want or deserve her to do this to you. 

[vladol]

Do you really want this to keep happening? The trait is for recycling, on and on until either you offer her nothing or you can't take anymore. Is this cycle of emotions correct? we have all been there, I want my ex gf back, it's been 2 moths of NC, but In know deep down if she does break it, she will only do this to me again. I have to get on with my life, do my things that she held me back from. Do the same, put yourself first, carry on being you, and think if you really truly want or deserve her to do this to you. 

Yea these are definitely things I think about. Each time we have been back together it's always been better and longer than the last time. I'm doing everything in my power to live my life and make myself my number 1 priority. I know I'll get there. I feel better than I've ever felt about all of this. Something in me just wants to work things out with her, but in the meantime like I said, I'm tackling goals and I won't be shutting out the opportunity to date others.

[once removed]

hi vladol and

im sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but glad that you found us, and are finding some commonality in the stories of others, i can imagine its very refreshing, but sobering at the same time.

i think you have it right: when someone pulls away, it is generally counterproductive to chase. i wondered at the time if my ex wanted me to chase her, and im thankful to this day that i didnt.

a lot of the general advice here is both about not making things worse (chasing) and self improvement; getting back to baseline, being the strong, confident person our partners and others have fallen for. it sounds to me like youre doing well on both fronts, and you have goals.

so what else can you do in the mean time? knowledge is power. keep learning about the disorder, and get very familiar with the lessons and tools directly to the right. theyre skills for life 

and please let us know how we can best support you. do you have any questions about the disorder or the tools?

[vladol]

hi vladol and

im sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but glad that you found us, and are finding some commonality in the stories of others, i can imagine its very refreshing, but sobering at the same time.

i think you have it right: when someone pulls away, it is generally counterproductive to chase. i wondered at the time if my ex wanted me to chase her, and im thankful to this day that i didnt.

a lot of the general advice here is both about not making things worse (chasing) and self improvement; getting back to baseline, being the strong, confident person our partners and others have fallen for. it sounds to me like youre doing well on both fronts, and you have goals.

so what else can you do in the mean time? knowledge is power. keep learning about the disorder, and get very familiar with the lessons and tools directly to the right. theyre skills for life 

and please let us know how we can best support you. do you have any questions about the disorder or the tools?

Thanks for the welcome!

It's just hard to understand how we meet up after breaking up, have a time where I've never felt more love and connection with this person. Talk all week... .then when I ask to hang out again if she was open to it, I hear nothing back for a week and a half. No yes, no no... .

I'm not really upset, but it's been on my mind. I want to reach out again, but feel it's probably best to let her come to me.

Which tools should I be looking at? Thanks again.

[once removed]

Which tools should I be looking at? Thanks again.

all of them

but seriously, you want to take the time to learn as much as you can from clinical sources about BPD. this helps depersonalize what can be very hurtful behavior. it will also give you a sense of what is required of you as a partner, and what are realistic and unrealistic expectations in this relationship.

im a big fan of the communication tools. theyre not "BPD speak", but skills that work with anyone, that you can practice with anyone, and youll find they improve all of your relationships, and give you more self awareness in the process. i had no idea just how invalidating i could be.

so look at the lesson board directly to the right and dive in. you can start with whatever you believe is most pertinent, and the communication tools can be a good start.