Divorcing Dstbx - why am I hesitant to file after 1.5 years apart?

[Wits End Woman]

Hello all,

I have not made my introduction yet; I'm currently working on the synopsis of our relationship but in the meantime I could really use some of your thoughts and opinions on why I might be having second thoughts about finally filing for divorce. 
We have been married for 10 years, together 12.  He's cheated at least 3 times that I'm aware of, lied and broke part of my extended family apart with his behavior, we've had many blow up arguments where I was afraid of his next move.  Separated a couple of times in those 10 years but always came back to each other.  He was diagnosed with BPD, ASPD and negativistic traits, severe PTSD, anxiety and depressive disorder about 10 years ago before we married.  The only diagnosis I was told was PTSD and depression. 
I have been dating someone else for about a year and he's a wonderful person.  Actually normal!  But every time I find out about a girlfriend of ex's, I lose it.  I don't know why!  I recently found out about a new girlfriend and I have honestly thought about giving it one more shot.  What's wrong with me?  We always said we were soulmates and I truly feel that way.  But how can it be so difficult to be soul mates? Why does it feel wrong for him to be with someone else? I appreciate your thoughts.

[DearHusband]

I find with my own BPD partner that:

1. I don't want to admit that I failed and that someone else could have succeeded.
2. Since they show signs of being nice some of the time it must be possible for them to be nice all of the time and I'm holding out for that to happen.

Of course, neither is true, but it's hard to shake the fantasy.

[Wits End Woman]

I agree with both of those statements and I think you're spot on.  I don't know how to stop those feelings though.  When we exchange children, I am confronted again with his moodiness and how difficult he has ALWAYS been.  Even simple questions can spark this huge blow up and texts for the hours following.  Then I think 'what kind of idiot would you be to go back to THAT?' Honestly, I think that I used to be better at managing these situations but my willpower and strength have wilted over the years.  I can't help but engage when he accuses me of not putting my children first or trying to get child support out of him that he's clearly behind on.  I give in and end up arguing for hours and have the worst anxiety when it's over.  And when I'm at my lowest, I just want it all to go away.  And another text comes through... .then another.  Then another.  It never ends.

[DearHusband]

You have a third:

3. You think of yourself as a good person and rail against being labelled a bad parent or selfish. For some reason you, like me, feel compelled to defend yourself when these unfair accusations are leveled at you while you secretly worry that their might be something to them as you are choosing to protect yourself.

One thing that helped me was to keep a log. How many days were bad and how many days were good? When I doubted my recollection of events, I was able to see that I was right and that reality was being distorted.

Good Luck!

[Wits End Woman]

Excellent idea... I will have to start a log or maybe a calendar and include some of the accusations and terrible things he says.  And you're right, nothing makes me want to fight more than someone telling me I'm a bad parent.  Gets my blood boiling and he knows that all too well!