The time has come

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We been together for 24 years have one d 13 My wife is not diagnosed but but she has all the symptoms of BPD alittle bp with a sprinkle of N. I don't say this to be amusing these years have been hell for me. For many years she would lay in bed for days or lay in the closet total dark and would not accept food for days some times i would look up and after days in the closet she was so weak she was crawling on hand and knees to the bathroom. She is very abusive with me verbal and physical. I have kept a diary of things for the last 7 years of all the troubles i have had. She has tried suicide once about 10 years back while she was getting her stomach pumped a social worker was question me to see if my then daughter of 3 was OK and OK to be with me. My wife refuses to get help and self medicates. I haven't been to a therapist much but when we both went he told me to divorce her. He had experiences with her prior and new her history. Now my d is 13 she does not like her mother and tells me to divorce her. I do not try to drive a wedge between her mother and her she does this on her own. She lays in bed still but not the closet. I am painted black at least once a week or my daughter is and she will give us the silent treatment for days or weeks. She does not cooking any more or does any laundry for her daughter i do this and the cooking the cleaning and the shooing. I make sure our daughter goes to all of her functions she will not go to anything. I have been reading on this board for many years and its been a blessing for me. I have raised my daughter to still show respect for her mother and i do this too. For the last 2 and half weeks she just sits on the couch and gives us the silent treatment. I try to talk to her but i don't push things to hard just lite talk but im painted black black. I am emotionally drained and financially drained also. All these years she worked part time jobs so i get little support but i have always been grateful when she helped and also never pushed her for a better job. She spends way to much and always getting packages. I starting to think i had enough ive tried the tools here which help sometimes. I still love my wife but the nightmare still goes on. This time if she trys to recycle me I'm not going to fall for it boundary mean nothing to her I know i have enabled her but if i let the dishes pill up and let the laundry go and not take my responsibility to take care of my child she wont and if social worker com a knockn she would say it was me and she is good at those things. I think is time i put on my big boy pants and look at things outside of this box.

[sad]

We been together for 24 years have one d 13 My wife is not diagnosed but but she has all the symptoms of BPD alittle bp with a sprinkle of N. I don't say this to be amusing these years have been hell for me. For many years she would lay in bed for days or lay in the closet total dark and would not accept food for days some times i would look up and after days in the closet she was so weak she was crawling on hand and knees to the bathroom. She is very abusive with me verbal and physical. I have kept a diary of things for the last 7 years of all the troubles i have had. She has tried suicide once about 10 years back while she was getting her stomach pumped a social worker was question me to see if my then daughter of 3 was OK and OK to be with me. My wife refuses to get help and self medicates. I haven't been to a therapist much but when we both went he told me to divorce her. He had experiences with her prior and new her history. Now my d is 13 she does not like her mother and tells me to divorce her. I do not try to drive a wedge between her mother and her she does this on her own. She lays in bed still but not the closet. I am painted black at least once a week or my daughter is and she will give us the silent treatment for days or weeks. She does not cooking any more or does any laundry for her daughter i do this and the cooking the cleaning and the shooing. I make sure our daughter goes to all of her functions she will not go to anything. I have been reading on this board for many years and its been a blessing for me. I have raised my daughter to still show respect for her mother and i do this too. For the last 2 and half weeks she just sits on the couch and gives us the silent treatment. I try to talk to her but i don't push things to hard just lite talk but im painted black black. I am emotionally drained and financially drained also. All these years she worked part time jobs so i get little support but i have always been grateful when she helped and also never pushed her for a better job. She spends way to much and always getting packages. I starting to think i had enough ive tried the tools here which help sometimes. I still love my wife but the nightmare still goes on. This time if she trys to recycle me I'm not going to fall for it boundary mean nothing to her I know i have enabled her but if i let the dishes pill up and let the laundry go and not take my responsibility to take care of my child she wont and if social worker com a knockn she would say it was me and she is good at those things. I think is time i put on my big boy pants and look at things outside of this box.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey sad, Sorry to hear what you are going through.  Many of us have been down this road before you and understand the pressures you are under.  What are your gut feelings about your marriage?  What would you like to see happen?  The first step is usually to focus on self-care in order to figure our what is the right path for you, going forward.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[DaddyBear77]

Hi Sad - normally I'd say "Welcome" at this point but I see that you've been around here for 10 years. Wow. I'm really sorry to hear about all that's going on with you.

If you've been reading and watching the conversations going on here, you'll see that so many of us are in a similar painful situation. My pwBPD has also never been diagnosed, but this doesn't make it any less "real." And at any given time, either the N or the BP traits are "dominant" but both are always there.

You said "If she tries to recycle me" but I'm not exactly clear on where things stand with you now - are you separated? Still living together? Have you talked to an attorney and are you starting divorce proceedings? Or are you still there still trying and hoping things get better? Are you still getting the silent treatment or has this episode passed?

Regarding big boy pants, man, I can totally relate to that. Sometimes we feel like we absolutely KNOW what the best decision is but then minutes, hours, days later we completely doubt ourselves and get right back into the fray. Keeping connections OUTSIDE the relationship, I think, is a key to NOT staying "inside the box" and making better decisions for us and our families.

Keep posting and let us know how things are going. We're here to help.

~DaddyBear77

[sad]

We are married  and at day 19 she talked a little to me. Pretty much she started blaming me on this particular episode(actually situation started with our  daughter and her). She said i didn't know how to communicate(threw this ordeal i try ed many times with small easy talk to get her talking which didn't work). While i sat there i gave her empathy and gave her my full attention(did not give her the truth this would of set her off). She says she would like to see her favorite therapist together to work out my issues. I said of course(this is the therapist that said she should be hospitalized). She also said this marriage is boring and wants to have more fun(would like to do more stuff together but she is always mad or down she has messed up more than one family outing but we still try and have fun when she will go). This therapist knows my situation and as things  deteriorate im thinking this could very well be our  chance to save my marriage and wife. She needs to be diagnosed and what she does after that is up to her. Yes is will hurt me terribly to loose her and this marriage. My daughter will not. In my situation i believe my wife disorder is getting worse. Her mother has this and she was complaining that her husband was not affectionate enough so the fought like cats and dogs and screwed up my wife and her brother. then she cheated on him he caught them in a motel room(one night stand stranger). After her divorce all her relationships soured. My point is her mother probably had a hard bringing up too, it gets passed down. I believe my marriage is going down the same path. I thought we were getting a little better to night i made her a nice supper tried to have a pleasant evening and talk before i new it the bedroom door is shut i went in talked to her hardly responded so then i asked her about our daughters schedule for school she told me that's up to my daughter and i and that was that. I backed out quietly with no attitude shut the door quietly and did the dishes and finished my daughters laundry and mine. One day at a time

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, sad, Sorry to hear and sounds like you are in a tight spot.  Have you thought about making changes that might make things better for you?  You deserve to be happy, my friend.  As I previously asked you, what are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  LJ

[sad]

Will I started thinking about me today this morning she didn't like the theappy jointly probably didn't want to disclose how she has no interest in me or her daughter but who knows. Still ignoring me talks a little to d. So I thought hell bought a tbone waited till she had her bowl of cereal watching tv and threw it on the stove made salads mash potatoes let the tbone aroma fill the place called my daughter over and hade a delicious meal and that was that

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sad, I like the T-Bone approach because it demonstrates that you are doing something for yourself.  Shifting the focus back to you is the first step, in my view.  Keep us posted, LJ