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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: BPD or just difficult people  (Read 659 times)
bus boy
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« on: April 16, 2017, 08:22:51 AM »

I should be thinking of better things on such a beautiful Easter morning especially after such a long hard winter but this is where my mind is at this morning. I am thinking of how Xw never gave any type of validation or positive comments or compliments what so ever. Examples play through my mind... .When we were together she was awful, always a mean comment or slur of some kind. One day I worked on her car, I bought a part for preventative maintenance, she got mean, started belittling my decision to buy this part for her car, she made me return it, several days later that old part failed and left her broke down on the side of the road, she got her father to fix her car and belittled me, she did not validate in any way that it was her who made me return the new part that I had got in the first place so as to prevent such a brake down. She always belittled me in my knowledge and ways I kept on top of things. Even after she left she continued with this invalidation. Before Xw met her BF I was at her house often, Xw would text to see if I was coming over to her house, sometimes the weather would be bad and my road wouldn't be plowed but it didn't seem to sink into head, I would reply to her text " my road isn't plowed, I can't get out" she would not seem to get it, she would keep texting asking where I'm at, when am I coming over? Are you coming over? You said you were coming over, where are you? And on with the questions, it's like it didn't sink in that I would be snowed in. This is a couple of small examples of the many things she would do. Xw wouldn't say anything to acknowledge or validate, just make me feel guilty in a strange twisted way. Like for a small example, the snow storm was my fault and the road not being plowed was my fault and these are the kind of things that would be 100% out of my control but she would manage to squeeze out of all of this her famous line " you are not here for us, you don't know how to look after a family". Just some of the craziness I lived with, I wonder if my replacement is going through the same?
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happendtome
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« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2017, 08:37:53 AM »

Yes, i do remember similar things. Something that im not putting her first. It was quite confusing and it got me to the point where i thought that she is right. Even now im sometimes wondering if she was right. But i certainly tried. Anyway, she wasnt really happy and quite often everything was my fault. Not to mention when i wanted to talk some things through, that was impossible. She started to accuse me that im attacking her. So i learned to keep my tongue behind my teeth. It was easier this way
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« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2017, 08:52:49 AM »

Excerpt
        Not to mention when i wanted to talk some things through, that was impossible. She started to accuse me that im attacking her. So i learned to keep my tongue behind my teeth. It was easier this way                   

It was impossible for me to try and talk to her, she would say later and later she would say tomorrow.
Like you said I would get accused of attacking her and starting an argument, but it was her starting an argument, I just wanted a discussion.
She couldn't discuss anything unless she brought it up which wasn't often, she buried her head in the sand thinking problems would fix themselves.
She didn't have the capacity for a proper adult discussion , she would fly off the handle and go ape s*** instead.
Funny thing is that's what she said about her daughter did with her, when I pointed this out and said so you know it's not nice I just got silence.
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happendtome
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« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2017, 09:18:39 AM »

I remember those times when she said, ok, today we are doing things what you want to do. It came of course after i had said that we always only do things what she wants to do. So she asked, what are my plans. I said, for example, lets just enjoy quiet moment at home, lets play with kids and so on. She said fine and then just didnt enjoy anything. It always ended in the way that after an hour or so, as it was terrible to watch her, i said lets go out somewhere. And next time she would say that we already did what you wanted to do. Yeah, right Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Aesir
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« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2017, 09:41:05 AM »

I remember my ex not complimenting me on anything but always fished for compliments from me.
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« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2017, 10:26:12 AM »

What I came to realise is that the belittling was nothing to do with me but with her insecurities. My exgf hated to be wrong or rely on others as it made her feel worthless. Whenever I did something she couldn't it was criticised. I now see the put downs as her not wanting to be seen as incapable and to try and project herself as knowledgeable and in her eyes worthy.
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Inneedofhelp
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« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2017, 11:04:13 AM »

I would say that sounds like BPD or narcissistic disorder-which are the 2 that I go between with my undiagnosed ex. Much of what you describe sounds similar, and mine adds the rage instead of pulling away or staying quiet. I have learned how abusive and selfish the behaviors are, even though he would say that I am those things (along with a lot of other horribly mean comments). It's hard to not take it personally, but I am learning to accept that I tried my best with a person who could not be happy or satisfied.
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OptimusRhyme
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« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2017, 11:28:50 AM »

I'm trying to remember the exact words, but one consistent theme we'd debate is "you have to love yourself before you can be capable of loving anyone else". This was before I consciously understood how BPD works, and (unwittingly) thought if I provided her with enough healthy, positive examples, I could serve as a safe behavioral container and reparent her a little (Hey, arrogance!)

Anyways, she began to ask for more and more impossible sacrifices, justifying her devaluation and projection when I'd assert my boundaries with something like "you talked a big game but could never stop loving yourself enough to make me feel safe and give me what I deserve".

For me, that's one of those concrete moments where I knew it was never going to work, a train of thought that produces that sentiment isn't anything I could ever find common ground with.

She would also constantly need to control plans (the route we're taking, the restaurant we're going to) and would immediately tune out or refuse to finish a movie I'd picked, would constantly ask me to read books that were important to her but would write off anything I recommended in return, etc etc. All very small things I took as strange that I now understand better in the context of her overall perspective. 

I mention all this to say that it has been difficult to not take her behavior as a statement/lense on my worth or character (even when I learned she was diagnosed BPD and had been on and off in therapy for years), but the more distance I get from the situation, the plainer (and sadder) it becomes.
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bus boy
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« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2017, 03:11:42 PM »

Xw and I could never get to the bottom of issues, l learned as a child to clam up, avoid uncomfortable topics so this would make Xw mad and she would say, " you never want to talk" the problem with this is Xw was always belittling and saying abusive things about my family, she was in fact horribly relentless with her attacks on my family and "what are you going to do about your family?" So these are topics I would try to avoid like the plague. On other issues that would arise, normal r/s issues that could be resolved with reasonableness would be met with threats, childishness and sarcasm when I tried to inject sensible reason and logic into the issue. As far as belittling my knowledge, Xw is an expert on everything, No matter what and if I would think different she didn't like it. We were putting new flooring down, she told me to scrape all the old glued tiles off the floor, lots of hard work, the carpenter of thirty years experience said it was up to me but I was wasting my time, so I didn't scrape the tiles, Xw was not one bit pleased that I went against her, she knew more than the carpenter, we had well issues, I spoke to an expert on wells, 50 years experience, but Xw and her father knew more. No matter what Xw is an expert and woe to he who proves her wrong Bc no matter how much evidence you have laid before her, she is absolutely never wrong and will never tell you, you are right.
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« Reply #9 on: April 16, 2017, 10:49:03 PM »

I should be thinking of better things on such a beautiful Easter morning especially after such a long hard winter but this is where my mind is at this morning. I am thinking of how Xw never gave any type of validation or positive comments or compliments what so ever. Examples play through my mind... .When we were together she was awful, always a mean comment or slur of some kind. One day I worked on her car, I bought a part for preventative maintenance, she got mean, started belittling my decision to buy this part for her car, she made me return it, several days later that old part failed and left her broke down on the side of the road, she got her father to fix her car and belittled me, she did not validate in any way that it was her who made me return the new part that I had got in the first place so as to prevent such a brake down. She always belittled me in my knowledge and ways I kept on top of things. Even after she left she continued with this invalidation. Before Xw met her BF I was at her house often, Xw would text to see if I was coming over to her house, sometimes the weather would be bad and my road wouldn't be plowed but it didn't seem to sink into head, I would reply to her text " my road isn't plowed, I can't get out" she would not seem to get it, she would keep texting asking where I'm at, when am I coming over? Are you coming over? You said you were coming over, where are you? And on with the questions, it's like it didn't sink in that I would be snowed in. This is a couple of small examples of the many things she would do. Xw wouldn't say anything to acknowledge or validate, just make me feel guilty in a strange twisted way. Like for a small example, the snow storm was my fault and the road not being plowed was my fault and these are the kind of things that would be 100% out of my control but she would manage to squeeze out of all of this her famous line " you are note here for us, you don't know how to look after a family". Just some of the craziness I lived with, I wonder if my replacement is going through the same?

Funny.  My ex waif/hermit fiance was the same way.  When I fixed her car, she said I didn't.  When I made the sacrafice and drove 120 miles round trip every weekend to see her, she'd say I didn't drive to see her or she would criticize me for being late.  

I thought she lived in delusion land.  It was all about her, all the time.
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bus boy
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Posts: 908


« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2017, 05:16:38 AM »

They seem to reject and belittle our genuine kindness. My parents co signed when I bought my house years ago, they were happy ( at first) that I had a good woman in my life and were more than willing to co sign but Xw never accepted that, never accepted our house as our home, she refused to acknowledge it as our home, in fact, hated our home and belittled my parents for co signing. Xw always had a negative slur no matter what, in all the years I've known her she never said one kind word or complement. If someone said something nice about me, Xw would say " that's not how I would describe you" or if I did something or suggested a kind act, Xw would say " don't do that, it really doesn't become you"
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