My way or the highway

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Of course she never admitted this... .but I was definitely in a "my way or the highway" type relationship with my ex waif/hermit fiance.

Ever have your 32 year old partner stick her fingers in her/his ears and yell, "I can't hear you, I can't hear you!"  when you were in the middle of an argument? Specifically when you were trying to assert a boundary or discuss the one sided nature of the relationship?

Many times when I tried to assert my position over the phone, I would get hung up on.

If I asked her to compromise on something, it would lead to rage and an argument... .one time she jumped out of my stopped car while apartment hunting and took off running down the street... .all because I had an opinion about what I wanted in our new place.

Many of our break ups came from me asking for effort on her part... .or even once I asked if we could try a new place to eat that I had been wanting to try... .she didn't speak to me for six weeks.

Eventually, I would always cave and come crawling back for more abuse.  She's long gone now... .but it's amazing to me how selfish people have no problem destroying people and relationships for their own gain.

She was literally a three year old in an adult body.

[Huh?]

Of course she never admitted this... .but I was definitely in a "my way or the highway" type relationship with my ex waif/hermit fiance.

Ever have your 32 year old partner stick her fingers in her/his ears and yell, "I can't hear you, I can't hear you!"  when you were in the middle of an argument? Specifically when you were trying to assert a boundary or discuss the one sided nature of the relationship?

Many times when I tried to assert my position over the phone, I would get hung up on.

If I asked her to compromise on something, it would lead to rage and an argument... .one time she jumped out of my stopped car while apartment hunting and took off running down the street... .all because I had an opinion about what I wanted in our new place.

Many of our break ups came from me asking for effort on her part... .or even once I asked if we could try a new place to eat that I had been wanting to try... .she didn't speak to me for six weeks.

Eventually, I would always cave and come crawling back for more abuse.  She's long gone now... .but it's amazing to me how selfish people have no problem destroying people and relationships for their own gain.

She was literally a three year old in an adult body.

[UnforgivenII]

She was literally a three year old in an adult body.

They all are. It is no way to live. Yours was  32, mine 48. They do not change. They are always perfect and always right.

No thanks. I left kindergarten 43 years ago.

[In a bad way]

One of the last few times I spoke to her on the phone when I was trying to sort out what she had done to hurt me again she said she was hanging up because I kept asking her the same question.
I told her is was because she hadn't answered it so of course I have to keep asking, so I said so answer the question.
Then she said what question!
So I said the one you just said I keep asking, she said I was talking rubbish and she was going to hang up and did.
Yes it was like trying to talk and get sense out of a child.

[GlitterBug]

I believe it comes down to their core sense of shame.

They cannot allow themselves to hear a valid point from you which would trigger that feeling of shame or unworthiness.

Their answer is to block you out until you give up trying to make your point.
I can very much relate to your frustration, it happened to me but in a slightly different way... .

Instead of putting her fingers in her ears, my pwBPD would incessantly talk/shout over me in a very condescending manner. Telling me repeatedly that what I had to say didn't matter, that I was pathetic, a trouble maker.

The straw that broke the camels back so to speak came when she would put her finger to her mouth and tell me to 'ssshhh'. All the while with a smirk across her face knowing I was becoming more and more frustrated and devalued.

Anything to keep you from saying anything that may trigger them and their internal turmoil.

[Lucky Jim]

Right, Huh.  In my view, that's the way it is in a BPD r/s.  Agree w/GlitterBug: they lack the capacity to entertain other points of view due to their inner feelings of emptiness or shame.  If a pwBPD acknowledges that he/she made a mistake, it is equivalent to saying that he/she is a mistake, so it doesn't happen.  Instead, they cling to rigid thinking and see no alternative to "my way or the highway" which is why they have conflicts in virtually all areas of their lives.

LuckyJim 

[Stripey77]

Well... .on one of the very few occasions that I did attempt to tell him he'd hurt my feelings doing something and that what he'd done was unacceptable... .he pretty much shut down on me. It was completely and utterly black and white. He actually told me "that's your problem" and that he didn't agree with me so that was that. The end of the discussion. He may as well have stuck his fingers in his ears, because the shutters just came down.

[Huh?]

Right, Huh.  In my view, that's the way it is in a BPD r/s.  Agree w/GlitterBug: they lack the capacity to entertain other points of view due to their inner feelings of emptiness or shame.  If a pwBPD acknowledges that he/she made a mistake, it is equivalent to saying that he/she is a mistake, so it doesn't happen.  Instead, they cling to rigid thinking and see no alternative to "my way or the highway" which is why they have conflicts in virtually all areas of their lives.

LuckyJim 

This would explain perfectly then, when I would express my feelings or my defense during an argument I would get a standard response, "you're always lecturing me. you make me feel bad about myself"

I thought it was funny, because the cluster B I dated prior said the same thing... ."you're always lecturing me, and making me feel bad about myself"

It's as if, they don't like being held accountable for their selfish behavior... .or feeling put off by somebody possibly questioning or trying to get them to feel empathy.  It comes off as "lecturing".