What are the first signs of danger? can we prevent something? Stepdad

[JoeBPD81]

I've been in a relationship with a woman with BPD for 3 years. The last one we,ve been living together with her 2 kids, 10 and 6. Their biological father was abusive, alcoholic and probably had a narcisistic disorder. She left him when the abuse extended to the oldest son, and she feared for her life, it was really bad.

I have my ordeal with her, I feel I'm her only support, her family is very invalidating, and she doesn't want to burden her friends with problems, so she doesn't contact them. Our main worry as a couple are the kids. We understand they had a difficult past, and we try to be validating and understanding, but we seem to be unable to help the oldest kid. He is in therapy and has a lot of support in the school, we live where we live just because of that school, where they know his difficulties and take good care of him.

He is an OK kid as long as he has everything he thinks he wants at any moment. And he is sociable and polite with strangers.  At home, he second you ask anything of him, or you say "no" to anything, he turns nasty. He refuses to do anything that is not playing, and he starts calling us names and saying awful things. Even small things like "put on your shoes" (to go to the zoo, or some place else that they like, to have fun). He slams his door in his room, and woudn't listen to any attemp to talk. Ten minutes or 3 hours later, he comes out and ask for a movie, or whatever (without the shoes), as if nothing had happened, no traces of shame whatsoever. We say no to the movie, and ask him if he's going to apologize or something, and he gets angry again, and tells us to shut up.

He seems unable to understand that other people matter. He keeps asking for fun things, or toys, even if we are very angry or seeing his mom crying kneeling on the floor, or very sick. He would literaly walk over his mom when she is asleep to get to something he wants to grab. He's been lying more and more, even about things that happen before our eyes, he even steals, and when we caught him he says we are the ones that steal from him, or that his little brother is always stealing from him. He wants to lock every possesion under a key and combination, but then he feels entitled to enter anyone's room and search through our drawers and take whatever he wants. He says he is sorry, only before asking for something else. He tells us he loves us, just the same: " I love you, you are the best, can I have the tablet/videogames/movies... .? "

That could be manageable, but his little brother copies this behaviour (but they never want the same), and he, the little one, gets a lot of bullying from him. Constantly. The older starts complaining about how the little one is having breakfast, and ends complaining about dinner. If the little one learns to read his first word, the older steals his book and reads the whole line and tells him "you can't read, you're dumb!", and that's every minute. When we defend the little one, he gets more jealous. If we leave them 2 minutes alone, the little one is sure to take a hit. And the older one blames the little one, and he can't adknowledge it was wrong to hit him (the little one was only a baby when this started). "He was looking at me funny, so I had to kick him in the face"... .When we try to reason, he gets out of control, screams that we don't love him, and that he has a ___ty brother, and that one day he'll kill him. Or horrors like that.

So we can't let one kid bully the other in order not to invalidate the bully. The little one seems to have a conscience, and he seems more mature than the older one many times. They both have ADD, in the case of the older, it is very severe, out of the charts, says his therapist. Abstract reasoning is really difficult and painful for him, he's really smart on other areas. He can't get jokes, or irony, in cartoons or movies for his age. He seems unaware of everything that happens around him, and reacts to his own internal world. So reality is always a disapointment to him.

He goes to the enfermery room at his school almost every day with an imaginary illness. If he hears about one illness on TV, he says he has it a couple of days after, and he brags about how sick he is. We asked him, and he gives the same value to attention he gets for being sick, or for a lie, or for doing something good.

Also, he seems very bothered when any of us seems happy. For example, we are watching TV and a music video comes on, and we like the song, and we hum, or sing or silly-dance with them... .And he coments "She sings awful, and she's very ugly, can you turn it off?"

We are very worried and also scared, for him and of him. We don't know what would set him off. And he's dangerous to the other kid, and he's growing up and he can hurt his mom, because he would hit her or throw things at her. But mostly he hurts her feelings. We end up making all our plans around him, because we know we can't do this or that because he won't let us. Having BPD, she barely has a will to live, she cares and works like 10 moms, and this is the result she sees. So his hate and violence, or his indiference when she is crying or very upset, or how he just doesn't care about making his brother bleed... .it devastates her.

The little one get's hyperactive, very stressed, and also acts out, he's learning very slow, although he seems to learn something, and not make the same mistakes endlessly. He wants to please us. He's wonderful when he's alone with any or both of us. The older is also better if he doesn't feel he has to compete with his brother. The thing is, fights start from the moment of waking up, and last the whole day, we do our best not to lecture him all the time, we validate his good qualities and ideas, we do all plans about the family (we don't have adult lives/interests around them), we pay them all the atention in the world, we do his homework with him, not just helping, but being with him all the time, our lives have to stop to get him to do 2-3 exercises. So it is really tiring for any one, but for his mom, that is over sensitive to every emotion, is absolutely hell. And she blames herself for everything, her genes, her way of educating, her inhability to help him, for every time she gets angry with them... .I tell you, no one could have as much patience as she has with them, any other parent would have them grounded for life for what they do in one day.

I feel we may do too much. We make the world about them, so they don't think there is anything more important than their fun, any other value is alien to them. Even as we talk to them about other values, they see they don't need to act on those to get what they want. I think we should let them feel the consecuences of their actions, and expect some responsibility acording to their age, not much, but some. I grew up in a home where at 9 I would get groceries, and cook for the whole family (easy recipes), vacum, or clean whatever I was asked to do. I could go to school alone, or stay home alone. I programed in Spectrum small Basic programs to help me study... .I can't imagine myself or my siblings being so disrespectful with my mother, or even saying no to a request.  That might be too much, but it is my reference. So this is very new to me.

She feels she has to compensate that the boy doesn't get attention/afection from his dad, or aunts or granparents. They were really bad for her, so she goes to the opposite extreme. And I get it too. We both go from being angry to being sorry for the kid. We imagine he is suffering inside and he can't make sense of that suffering, and he needs to be distracted from himself at all times. Everyday we start from scratch. We give them all the opportunities of the world.

She doesn't want to see her kids having the same pain that she has every moment. And we don't know if we are part of the problem or the solution. We feel as a failure as parents. I'm getting better at comunicating with my GF, but she is highly inteligent and has a lot of insight about her own illness, the kid is just lost and reacts with anger because he doesn't know any other way, we are able to guess how he is suffering, and what bothers him, and we validate those feelings, but we fail at helping to regulate them, or teaching how to avoid those frustrations. We don't ask much from him, we have very low expectations. It looks as if he feels like obeying is giving up, or losing. Like if any one else wins something, he's losing something. And he can't stand it. If his brother wins a chocolate coin as a prize for winning in a game, he would get angry to tears and leave. The little one has so good a heart that he goes and gives the coin to his brother. But the older can't see this blid admiration, and keeps on hating him.

Most days I feel lost just in my relationship with my GF, just to get her to want to live, just to get her out of suicidal thoughts... .So I have no energy left, or wits to make life better for the kids too.

The kids love me, and they want me around since day one. I want to be a good father, and they depend on me, economicaly, but my bond to them goes through my bond to their mom, and she's been talking about leaving me every two weeks since we started dating. She wants me to love them independently of her, but I feel I could lose the 3 of them at any time. Also, no one goes around looking for kids and not a partner, well, someone might, I have no interest in being a single parent by choice. Many days I've felt like a nanny that it's not paid and not wanted, but can't afford to make any mistakes, or look unmotivated. She can't say she'll want me around next month, but as a parent I have to commit for life. It feels like a huge un-balanced situation.

I'll appreciate any guidance. Thanks a lot.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi JoeBPD81,

You have a lot on your plate! It's not easy being in a step parent role (I am too).

What kind of therapy is S10 receiving?

You could be describing my uBPD brother as a child, who had strong narcissistic traits. No empathy, entitled, willing to lie, very oppositional, winning at all costs, physically abusive to sibling, stealing, argumentative with adults, ADHD, somatic complaints, hitting mother, etc.

Having an NPD father and BPD mother suggests that S10 does not experience boundaries the way other children might. I agree that doing too much is probably, in its own way, making things harder for S10. He will expect the world to bend to his whim only more as he gets older.

Like you say, if his mom is struggling, much of this work could fall on you. Does your GF do DBT? It might be easier to expand those skills to apply to the kids, so that everyone is on the same page.

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks for answering,

I don't know what kind of therapy S10 is getting, a couple of months ago, I didn't know there was different kinds. He gets one on one talks with a child therapist (psichologist). We live in Europe and we can't afford more than what the National Health System offers us.

So, you think we are right to be afraid that he wil have BPD as an adult? The question is what can we do to minimize the damage?

As I am sure you all know, it's been a rollercoaster. My GF only got her diagnosis about 3 months ago, and her therapist fell sick and has been on la leave since then. So, not even one session of guidance after the diagnosis. She's lost and she's been through a number of phases. I'm been asking for help here, and reading what I can, I work and I study, and I spend time with the kids, so I feel I need 48 hour days.

[livednlearned]

So, you think we are right to be afraid that he wil have BPD as an adult?

I suppose I look at it a little different -- my son is not diagnosed BPD (he has a uBPD/narcissistic/bipolar father), but he displayed what I guess could be called sub-clinical traits of BPD. He has been in therapy since he was 10 (he's now 15) and is doing better. I think he is genetically predisposed, and having a BPD father made things a little more challenging.

The question is what can we do to minimize the damage?

It sounds like you are already doing validation with him. 

He is already in therapy 

If he is narcissistic, he will have a very weak ego and will crave praise. He will also need limits and boundaries, which as you know can be very difficult. It is essential to be consistent in setting those boundaries, and that is definitely not easy.

As I am sure you all know, it's been a rollercoaster. My GF only got her diagnosis about 3 months ago, and her therapist fell sick and has been on la leave since then. So, not even one session of guidance after the diagnosis. She's lost and she's been through a number of phases. I'm been asking for help here, and reading what I can, I work and I study, and I spend time with the kids, so I feel I need 48 hour days.

48 hours a day would be amazing 

You're a good guy to try so hard with kids who are not yours. And you're supporting someone who has a challenging condition. Make sure you do something at least once a day to recharge your batteries -- you will burn out if you aren't devoted to some kind of self-care.

If I were in your shoes, I would start with some books.

Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning
Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr
Buddha and the Borderline (a memoir written by a woman who managed her BPD)

and, if you want a readable therapy that kind of explains the missing piece of the puzzle, especially if you like to understand the big picture:

In Search of the Real Self by James Masterson.

There are others that are equally good, or have something useful.

The big key in all of this is making sure you don't go down a codependent rabbit-hole. The best way to stay emotionally strong is to take care of yourself, however you define that.

For me, it was 10 minutes of mindfulness, plus some other things that have to be in place in order for me to shoulder the challenges of raising kids.

[JoeBPD81]

I already read the buddha... .And started loving someone... .I would love to not work or study, and just read and take notes, but life has to go on.

My GF started the buddha, but it hits too close to home. She usually reads 4 books a week, but she's not finishing this one, she gets upset about herself.

It really is an interesting topic, and I get intellectually hooked, but then I don't get out of this life around BPD. I'm fairly new to this, so I should be patient in finding my place in all of this.

Thanks a lot.

[JoeBPD81]

My GF just got a lecture from the therapist of our son.

We were told not to correct him daily, but only once or twice every 15 days. But he hits his little brother once or twice every 15 minutes. How are we supposed to ignore that? We were told that months ago, and we try, but we fail, and today's lecture was about "But didn't I tell you what to do? Why are you not doing it? You are expecting too much of him."

My GF is totally mad with herself.

We tell him we understand his jelousy, and we don't make a fuss, just send him to his room to cool off for 10 minutes.

We tell him he's doing something wrong too many times. Even though we know it's invalidating, and we try to avoid it. But we are just human and he seems to live to press our buttons. Here's 10 minutes of our life:

 He's making fart sounds constantly while we eat... .we try to not say anything; He steals his brother's bread, we bring more bread and tell him that there is no need to take s(6)'s bread, and that here is more. He says the food is disgusting, and he is angry we didn't give him other thing, or more, or less (my GF only cooks things they like). Every meal they both end up with food in their clothes, the floor or the chair. He demands 3 deserts, and before the one desert we are giving him gets to the table, he leaves to play without saying a word or picking his plate (s6 does pick it up and take it to the kitchen). Then we call him to have the desert, and he could blam the door and ask us to leave him alone, or call us names... .At some point we are not nice and validating an loving.

We constantly say to ourselves "pick your battles". But he gives us 1000 reasons to lecture him in any day, it's exhausting, and we end up lecturing him 2, 3 times a day.

It hurts that we can reason with his brother (6) and not with him.

I get that he's emotionaly a 3 year old. And that we can't expect insight from a kid. Our first goal is to make him happy. But how do we aplly that to real life?

If we only treat him like a baby, how's he going to face life? How's he going to develop any problem solving skills, any self steem, any moral system... .He thinks we are his slaves, and anything that contradicts that reallity makes him angry. Are we supposed to change the world around him so he doesn't get dissapointed? Should we not teach him the world is not like that? Even if it was possible to just be his slaves, we can't mistreat one son to make the other happy, we can't let him abuse his brother just because he thinks he had no right to steal his spotlight. It's already been 6 years of hate for the little one. I feel we are creating a criminal when we don't show him good from bad. He can be inmature,selfish and lazy, OK, but hitting, lying, stealing, and being really nasty with his mother, and saying everything his brother does is poo, are bad things. Can we afford that he doesn't learn those things?

My GF has good times and bad times. S10 is always angry and defying, unless we are serving him, and then he complains about anything we serve him.

Please, help.

[Lollypop]

Hi there Joe

I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this.

With hindsight, I wish I'd been able to piece together all of those things that happpened with my BPDs (now 26). Individually, I could always find a reason or even justify for his behaviour. Combined all of those small things make a big picture. My BPDs was a difficult child and I made it worse be either being too soft or too hard. He got sidelined as I tried to deal with my own problems three bereavements and my H had a breakdown. I didn't seek help that we all very clearly needed.

Your partner needs to get therapy and support for her BPD if she hasn't already.

Are you living in the uk?

With respect, youre a new dad trying to cope with some big issues here. There's no quick fixes and you're going to need to get your parenting skills up and get yourself some support in place to help raise these children. There's help available but it's going to mean you reaching out for it. I'm just saying how I see it. Even as an experienced parent, this situation would be challenging.

It sounds to me like you could do with more structured and professional help with s10. Are there any grandparents and extended family around?

Your younger step-son needs to be protected. What becomes normal (like hitting) becomes acceptable and it's not.

In all this chaos it's hard to see the clear prioritities. At the moment you're clearly firefighting and somehow you need to get yourself strong and proactive, not reactive.

You sound like a great guy, it's good advice you've been given. As head of the household you need to take care of yourself. I know this may sound crazy and selfish.

I gave up my entire being as I danced around to the tune of my BPDs and H. I put their happiness above my own and made myself ill. That's not healthy, nor is it showing my kids how to take care of themselves.

Hugs to you all

LP

[livednlearned]

hi Joe,

There are ways to parent our way through tough issues that may feel ineffectual in the moment but add up over time. I have learned with my son that lecturing never works. Often, the child knows what is right or wrong and has some powerful impulse that is hard for them to control. That doesn't mean let the behaviors go, it means redirect in positive way.

"You have to stop hitting your brother" may become something like "You have a lot of energy right now. Let's redirect it somewhere positive. How about hide and seek for 10 minutes and then we come back and tidy up dinner." Or whatever physical game your S10 might like to play.

If S10 has ADHD, he may also have sensory issues, and those can be non-negotiable for a child who doesn't understand why he is either over or under stimulated. I discovered by accident that rolling my son up tightly in a blanket was intensely calming, a game we called Make the Burrito. I didn't realize he had sensory defensiveness and can see now that he was often trying to manage what were intense sensory needs in a world that is largely deaf and blind to those kinds of issues.

Your S10 may have other issues, this is only to suggest that sometimes kids act out for reasons that are much bigger than knowing the difference between right and wrong.

I often think of my S15 as high needs versus special needs, and have had to learn to parent him in ways that are very intentional, and also am very verbal about issues around anxiety and impulsiveness and/or control so that he develops a vocabulary and language for them. If they can describe how they feel, they stand a better chance developing constructive skills for them.

I am trying to think of what book it's in, maybe Bill Eddy's book Don't Alienate the Kids, which is more of a book about raising emotionally resilient children (especially when one parent is BPD). He describes a lot of redirection techniques that are firm, gentle, and loving that quite honestly blew my mind. My brother was uBPD and it was traumatizing to grow up with a sibling like that. My parents were constantly scolding him, punishing him, and sometimes my father would get physical with him, like throw him down a flight of stairs. I try to imagine how it would have been if both parents modeled the kind of conflict resolution and positive shaping that my brother needed.

It is exhausting to have kids with high needs and important to be gentle with yourself. You're doing the best you can right now and it says a lot about you that you're here seeking support and advice.  Honestly, for many people that is half the battle.

most of us here have had to unlearn old parenting habits and learn new, counter-intuitive ones. I'm glad you're here to share your experiences. We all learn from each other.

[JoeBPD81]

I'm honestly in over my head, trying to dodge my Gf's bullets, keeping her from wanting to die, or leave. Then being nice to the kids, but also worried that they stress her out of her wits.

I ask for your prayers, because she did a job interview today that would give her a lot of structure and security. We'll know in a week.

I'll read this again tomorrow, and maybe I can make sense of it. I really appreciate your responses, but I'm too distressed to think clearly.

[Lollypop]

Hi joe

Keep posting as you need, I think it'll help you vent and not feel so isolated.

It's good you can recognise yourself and how you're feeling.

LP

[Lollypop]

Hi there Joe

Living with somebody with BPD (I have an adult son) is extremely challenging. My son makes bad choices and I would react by overthinking his situation, take on the responsibility for his life. I'd get extremely anxious and try to fix the situation. I'd live my life in what we call FOG, making decisions out of fear, obligation or guilt. When I'm anxious I don't make good decisions.

I'm responsible for my life. My BPDs26 is responsible for his life. My BPDs didn't want the responsibility, he resisted and he was happy for me to do things for him whilst at the same time knew he should do them himself. A consequence was that he then felt guilty.

We lived life on high alert for a good few years. Of course I lived in fear of the guaranteed crisis. I learnt that crisis brings change. That was then, thankfully I'm in a better place because I've learnt about BPD, I've better communication and validation skills, I know my boundaries and limits to protect myself.

I thought you'd be interested to know how a mother feels about her adult son in a relationship with a young woman who cuts, doesn't eat and is very very needy. He's got himself into a situation and he's trying to "fix" her. If he stays with her then they're in for a long drama as they push, pull and give in to demands. My BPDs will learn about how he needs boundaries and limits to protect himself and to have a healthier relationship. He loves her. Time will tell. She's a lovely girl but I hope the relationship fails as it's not helping my BPDs. It's highly emotional, he needs calm. I don't try to split them up because I recognise he loves her. I'm proud of him that he felt safe enough to be able to tell me about her.

We cannot change other people. We can only change ourselves.

My situation and life is completely different to yours. You've posted on the Parenting board. You'll get help here for your stepson.

There's wider issues for you though. Your gf has BPD . Your relationship with your GF is key to how you'll parent her boys.  There's other boards where I know you'll get good support that will help you with your relationship with your GF.  I think this would be the right place for you to start. I'll PM you about them.

You can post on both if you like.

I want to say that you can learn techniques here. You can learn to be assertive but loving. You can communicate your boundaries and limits. I'm thinking that once you can do these you could have a conversation with your family so they understand you need them to walk beside you while you make your own choices.

I strive for better communication across my family. It makes us stronger.

I'll pm you now joe

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders