Telling on myself...

[Lalathegreat]

I am REALLY struggling with NC this evening. I miss him. I miss him desperately.

After everything that is an incredibly difficult thing to admit.

In college I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship. And I did not understand. I remember telling her to "just leave", or "I don't understand why you allow him to treat you this way", or "seriously, just take your power back and walk away. Why do you let him control everything?" I was "Judgey McJudgerson", completely aghast at what I felt were her "ridiculous" actions. I simply had NO frame of reference in which to place her experience.

Needless to say I have thought a lot about her over the past few months. I wonder what ultimately happened to her. I wish that I could apologize and let her know that I finally understand. I hope she is doing ok.

But I digress... .I will never judge anyone in this situation again. I sit here with my phone in my hand imagining what I could possibly say. Still longing for some sort of connection from the man who threatened to punch me, told me he wanted to murder me, and then put his fist through a wall.

I have to believe that there will come a day when my heart and my mind are able to form an accord and act in unity once again. Please let that day come sooner than later.

Thanks for listening... .

[love4meNOTu]

This is the fog lala.

I can tell you with certainty it will disperse, and you will be able to see clearly.

Here is how it worked with me:

1. I started seeing a therapist.

2. I slid into depression.

3. I became angry.

4. I came here.

5. I went on antidepressants.

6. I got better.

7. I got divorced after 16 months of marriage.

8. I threw myself into work, my kids and physical fitness.

9. I got worse, an ulcer and I went to a 1 week inpatient program for depression, dx increased the dosage on my antidepressants.

10. I stopped focusing on what went wrong and focused on what made me feel good. I had no idea what that was, I was almost a non person!

11. I got better.

12. I met my bf of 3 years. He and I started so slowly, I had lots of setbacks, I would overreact to the smallest things. Sigh... I still struggle with this. Like all of a sudden he's going to go crazy and I will be afraid of him... hasn't happened

13. I love, I am loved and I am content. I will never forget what being too trusting did to myself and my kids. I can't fix everything and nor am I that powerful in the first place.

14. Live your life. Feel the pain. Be grateful this happened because next time you will know better. Five years to get where I am now, I have no dobut you will heal more quickly. Don't get in your own way now. Do what you have to do to promote your own healing. Find your way out of the fog.

I am very sorry you are going through this.

L

[Grey Kitty]

Of course NC is hard and you struggle with it.

And that is why you need it, right now--because you would struggle a lot more if you heard from him. Either it would be more hurtful bile, which might help your resolve, but will hurt... .or he could be full of regret and love, making promises that you know you can't believe... .but have good reason to fear you would believe long enough to give him another chance.

And yes, you miss him. Pretending you don't feel that way won't help you get through it.

Needless to say I have thought a lot about her over the past few months. I wonder what ultimately happened to her. I wish that I could apologize and let her know that I finally understand. I hope she is doing ok.

What about spending some of your nervous energy going all detective-like and looking for a way to contact her?

Reaching out with an apology and your new understanding seems like such a good thing to do. OK, given how sensitive her situation was last you knew, maybe just reaching out first... .

[patientandclear]

Lala--I get it. I have been there. When someone you care for, and who you thought cared for you, crosses over to the point where he will intentionally hurt you or come close or threaten to ... .It takes a while, a good long while, to integrate all the pieces of your truth. It makes sense that you miss him. Your feelings for him formed when you thought he would never do anything like what he has done. Once formed, those feelings are stubborn.

I've thought over the years that my exH (not the BPD man I mostly post here about) did me a favor by so overtly physically assaulting me in front of witnesses. It somehow finally ruptured those feelings. Even so, I couldn't help smelling his clothes as I packed them up for him knowing it was the last time we'd ever be staying in the same room/residence together (we were on vacation away from home and he was in jail).

It's a big transition in how you view someone and obviously you want it to be otherwise. Someone wrote that mental health is the practice of choosing to see things in a way that is true over a way that is comfortable. That's harder than it sounds.

Someone on here also wrote that "the person you thought he was would protect you from who he turned out to be." That too is a hard thing to accept. Especially when there are pieces of who you thought he was still visible.

[BeagleGirl]

Lala,
I agree with everyone here.  It's normal to mourn the loss of and miss somone, even the most destructive, painful person.  ESPECIALLY when they have been as close as your pwBPD.  In a way, you are also mourning the loss of a piece of yourself that was defined and existed in relationship to him.  Many people can't find the strength to break off a relationship without promise of another in the wings, so you are already displaying an ability to know who you are apart from a relationship that can define you.

Hang in there.  Find something to expend your mental energy on.  I have trained for a couple half marathons and know that there are often hours of mental "roaming" involved.  Be sure to have strategies for keeping your mind occupied - like audio books, or mental challenges (other than figuring out what went wrong in your relationship). 

I do like the idea of reaching out to your college friend.  I have often found that the inability to get someone off my mind was God's way of nudging me to a special blessing for that person and/or myself.

Most importantly, KEEP POSTING.  It will keep you honest. 
BeagleGirl