Is this the end?

[Idontknow15]

I am in a romantic relationship. I believe my boyfriend has BPD. We've been together about 4 years. Things have always been difficult and confusing. I never understood the arguments. We took a break once then got back together. Everything was constant drama and compromise. I was unfaithful online and got found out. I was overcome with guilt and shame and vowed to do anything to make things right because i love him. Then began the slow steady decline, accepting all the blame, the isolation, creeping compromise. I didn't know what was going on. We went to couples counselling, he pulled out. Things got worse, i realised i'd changed, not for the better. I continued some therapy on my own. I looked for answers and learnt of BPD. Everything suddenly seemed to make sense, maybe i wasn't crazy. I continued to work on my self esteem with my therapist. In the last two weeks i realised i have choices, i learnt to say no.

Two weeks later, i'm sat at my mothers having walked out on his behaviour for the first time. I don't have to accept being shouted at, sworn out and pushed. I walked out on the behavioir not him. Its terrifying, i don't know what he might do. Hes already emailed our estate agent and cancelled our tenancy renewal. I don't know what to do.

I guess i'm here because i know i need help and support. I've only just opened up to my parents. I realise how critical things are and i guess i need validation that i am not a bad person, that i'm not failing him and myself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RAPIDclassic1]

Hey IDK15, You wonder about failing yourself and him; the hard line is you have to look after yourself and let go of relationships that simply do not function.  It's not a failing, we are all allowed to be what we are, even, sadly , BPD's.  Many folks here are trying to cope in those relationships and many others have moved on, it's a personal choice, not a fail or didn't fail thing.  I for one, think you have taken a big step to getting out but think you have a lot to go through in the near future.  This is a great resource... someone here has a similar tale no doubt.  Welcome aboard!

[pipestove]

Seems like the devalue stage has already set in. Also, when you start to notice you just ain't yourself, it's better to let go of the relationship.   You are starting to wake up from being hypnotized by him.  Realizing he is the crazy one not you.   Once you realize whats really going on, its only going to decline from there, cause now you see everything for what it really is.  You are not going to want to tolerate some of his behaviors anymore.   I didn't realize what's was gong on till she moved.    Now I look back and wish i left sooner.   

Their love isn't real, they play mind games, the constant lies, manipulation. I dont want that ever again.  After I educated myself, I can know spot a BPD a mile away.  I actually just figured out two of my friends are BPD.  One male one female, both in their early 40's with a path of broken relationships, substance abuse, never happy, sleeping around, ect.   

My BPD of 2 years was exactly the same, except in her early 30's.  I did everything for her, but it was never enough, nor did she ever keep her promises to get help or take responsibility for her actions.  I was dealing with a child in an adult body.   Sadly, she will continue her path of sleeping around and crying herself to sleep on why her relationships don't work out.  Wish you best and hope one day you find true happiness.

[Mutt]

Hi Idontknow15, 



I'd like to join the others and welcome you to the family. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time. I'm going to take a guess and correct me if i'm wrong, was it your therapist that suggested to set boundaries? Often there will some back lash at the onset of setting new boundaries, if we didn't have boundaries or had floating boundaries. There will probably be a lot of testing your boundaries, but eventually the boundary testing will get spaced out and there will be significant gaps with the testing.

I don't have to accept being shouted at, sworn out and pushed. I walked out on the behavioir not him. Its terrifying, i don't know what he might do. Hes already emailed our estate agent and cancelled our tenancy renewal. I don't know what to do.

I don't think that he was using his rational mind when he decided to cancel the tendency renewal, he was using his emotional mind, that being said, feelings are quicksilver for a pwBPD, a few days have passed, has it changed his mind? Has there been other instances where he was physically violent? Are you safe?