Communication and Distortion

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

If there is one thing about this illness that I really struggle with its how to communicate my feelings!

For the first time in ages we had a nice weekend, friends over and went out for the day followed by a nice dinner. Yesterday I said how I had enjoyed it but (probably foolishly) said how it was sad that we did not do these things more often and do things as a couple and how nice it would be to socialise a bit more, that in a way the weekend had made me sad because I realised how much I missed this kind of sociability with others.

Today of course I am told that he is going to leave as there is no point continuing the r/s, that he would be better moving far away and stopping his therapy because I expect too much.

Jeez! Well I know I made a mistake in expressing how I felt but I am after all only human and thought I had phrased it positively - its hard to remember sometimes that everything is so black/white! Its hard to understand how this illness causes such strange mental processing as
it appears that I am in the wrong yet again for being me. Ironical really as I was asking for more interaction, after all I get the criticism that I don't care when I go out and do things on my own.

Sorry just a bit fed up with it all today!

[ortac77]

If there is one thing about this illness that I really struggle with its how to communicate my feelings!

For the first time in ages we had a nice weekend, friends over and went out for the day followed by a nice dinner. Yesterday I said how I had enjoyed it but (probably foolishly) said how it was sad that we did not do these things more often and do things as a couple and how nice it would be to socialise a bit more, that in a way the weekend had made me sad because I realised how much I missed this kind of sociability with others.

Today of course I am told that he is going to leave as there is no point continuing the r/s, that he would be better moving far away and stopping his therapy because I expect too much.

Jeez! Well I know I made a mistake in expressing how I felt but I am after all only human and thought I had phrased it positively - its hard to remember sometimes that everything is so black/white! Its hard to understand how this illness causes such strange mental processing as
it appears that I am in the wrong yet again for being me. Ironical really as I was asking for more interaction, after all I get the criticism that I don't care when I go out and do things on my own.

Sorry just a bit fed up with it all today!

[DaddyBear77]

Hey ortac77 - sorry this post got buried in the shuffle.

It often feels to me like I can't ever have feelings of my own, let alone express them to my pwBPD. We learn, quickly, not to muddy the relationship waters with OUR concerns. There's very little room in the pwBPD's life for anything other than THEIR intense emotional pain and suffering. And to make matters worse, they are EXTREMELY skilled in being able to shift the feelings / thoughts back to themselves.

Your example is a great case in point: You expressed a negative emotion (sadness about lack of social interaction). Your pwBPD turned it back around on you and made YOU the problem AND he made it about HIM (Oh yeah? Well I'M the one who should be hurt here, not you!)

In addition to the lack of emotional space for us inside our pwBPD, there's also the aspect of the Karpman Drama Triangle that might be at work here. Your pwBPD clearly wanted to jump into the "Victim" role:
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

What role do you think you were playing? What would happen if you didn't play any role at all?

Also, this was a few days ago - have there been any new developments since this happened?

[ortac77]

Hi

Yes think the Karpan Triangle was definitely at play here! I have thus really backed off over the last week, not least due to circumstances as a dear friend of mine was rushed to hospital and
that has occupied me somewhat.

Basically things are quiet, in the sense that my pwBPD is simply not communicating at all, nor looking after himself or doing anything really. I am just ignoring it, it does upset me of course but I am not making any issue out of it - Detaching really - its all I can do at the moment and taking any feelings I have to my Al-Anon meetings.

[ortac77]

So this morning it escalates I get told that he wishes he were dead and wished his suicide attempt three weeks ago had worked.

I said if thats how you feel you should leave because I am not tolerating this any longer, so yes I am the persecutor again and he the helpless victim. Time after time same old game so I have shown him the door, I might as well accept that I am the Persecutor rather than continue to deal with his illness, that he takes no responsibility for refusing to go to his treatment and refusing to see the Dr who will not prescribe him any more anti-psychotics without a review after his suicide attempt.

So now start the texts:

"I hope you are happy and glad that you have got what you wanted. Got me out of your house, Im sure you will have a good day, I am sure you will probably go through my drawers and cupboards to prove I am an alcoholic as thats what you think I am"

I could go on because apparently I try to control his life and tell him what to eat etc, all bulls*t - the only stipulation I have had is to not drink in my house because it always leads to chaos (what he does outside is his business).

But yes I have got too involved with somebody whose is on constant 'self -destruct'. and yes I have had enough, its caused me problems in my work, social life, friendships - it has made me into something I do not want to be.

Enough!

[DaddyBear77]

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn on my journey is that, as much as we love our pwBPD, we can NOT save them from themselves. I know the feeling of winning small "victories" - an all night argument ends with a kiss, or those times we  stick with the conversation past all reasonable points but in the end he puts down the knife or the pills or whatever. I've been there.

But there's always a next time.

Until he decides there isn't.

So it sounds like you've set a firm limit and now comes the time when your resolve and everything else will be tested to their absolute breaking point.

Whether you ultimately decide this is the final final decision or if you decide there's more of a road ahead with your pwBPD, remember how it feels to say "I'm not going to play anymore" and use that as a guide post with whatever else comes down the road.

[formflier]

  Yesterday I said how I had enjoyed it but 

I've tried to get this word out of my vocabulary.  It seems to send a message that invalidates part of what is said.

I think you would have been fine communicating a negative emotion.  I think you would have been fine stopping at "enjoyed it", but taking your pwBPD down the road of positive and then whipping a U turn was a bit more than he could handle.

Plus... .if there was a negative emotion to communicate, probably a SET would have been best.

In my r/s, I have to be super careful when I am trying to say "you were wrong".  Because what she hears is "I AM wrong" as a person, not just I blew it on this one thing.

Once my P got me to understand this issue from her FOO was a core one for her, I know imagine that as a wound that I have to protect, by not poking at it with my words.

Critical is "my words".  If she inflames it herself... .I'll wish her luck with that.

There are some days shes going to be ticked and she is looking for a reason... .again... .I'm not her rescue service.

Final:  I would acknowledge those texts and suggest you can give your full attention later... .in person.  Really simple... .don't get drawn in.

FF

[ortac77]

Thanks for the comments, really useful.

I did just acknowledge the texts and said will give it my attention in person.

That came sooner than I had expected, I had a dentist appointment and when I returned he was back in the house.

I have made it clear that whilst I understand that he is uncomfortable with it that I cannot continue in a relationship whereby I am expected to display no feelings or emotions. I have made it clear that if he wishes to stay (it is my house) that I will not go round and round the same circles and that I fully respect if he would prefer to spend time on his own. I didn't say it but know I would!

Time out -  DETACH, DETACH - I have the rest of my week planned for me - he can have space to work with his therapist if he chooses to but my only priority now is for me because I can sense that I am at the end of a long road and its time for a new direction not least because I need to find balance in my life.