I'm so confused and exhausted

[CBL7381]

Okay, this is my first time seeking help like this. My husband of 17 years has been struggling with what we thought was depression and now he has self diagnosed using online tests as BPD. He says he has always struggled and just tried to control it himself. I have seen signs over the years and even at one point moved the whole family to another state because he "needed" to be out of that depressing state. He says that moving saved his life and I believe that. He says he still loves me, but I am always scared because he has been able to stop loving and never talk to members of his family for one reason or another. He has cut his parents and siblings out of his life. I was all he had left and our children. We have 2. This all started when the last one entered college. We were finally going to have the house to ourselves. I was so looking forward to an empty nest. That is when it all went south. He sought the attention of another woman for comfort for awhile. It never became physical, but he was very dependent on their relationship for awhile. I finally gave his the ultimatum of her or me and he ended the relationship with her. That seems like a lifetime ago. I thought we were moving on for awhile and then he became more shut in and couldn't hold a job. We are currently living separately and have been for 4 months. I do not know what he has been doing. We can only contact each other through email because he didn't want to keep a phone he can't pay for. He has been staying with people that he met through a job training and doing things that are self destructive. I confronted him about that and told him I knew he was doing these things hoping that something would take his life that way it wouldn't be considered suicide. He wants me to be happy, but does not know how to make me happy anymore he says. He doesn't see any purpose in life and doesn't know who he is anymore. I am so exhausted of the empty promises that he is ready to come home and try again. He was supposed to come home tonight. Bet you can guess... .that didn't happen. He keeps telling me he will get help when he has a job. It always seems to be when ____ happens then I will come home or get help. Right now all I want to do is help him heal so that we might have a chance. We have talked several times about a divorce. He says that would help me. It's not what I want. We have been through so much together I don't want to loose him, but I really don't know who I am loosing now. He has told me recently that he feels like there are 4 people battling inside him. The one that is winning right now I do not want to be in a relationship with. AHHH... .I don't know what I am doing or if I am doing it right. I am preparing to sell our house and move into a condo. I have told him that I do not want any bad emotions to follow into the new home. I'm trying to be strong for myself, my kids and him. It is all on me. I do not have any family support. Oh, my daughter is also suffering from a mental illness, but she is getting professional help. I am helping her through this as well. Any advice?     

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi CBL7381,

Welcome and hello 

I'm so sorry for what brings you here and glad you found the site.

Caring for loved ones with a mental illness can be exhausting, and you are doing this all on your own. It's a lot to deal with, and it's no wonder you feel worn out.

Do you feel you have to make any drastic decisions right away? Sometimes, we get so used to being in crisis that it's hard to remember what calm feels like. You are both living apart right now, and that may be a good thing for right now. It gives you a chance to take care of you for a change, to put your needs first. It takes strength to not be emotionally injured by a BPD loved one, and feeling so exhausted is not a great place for supporting someone else in emotional pain.

When your husband tells you that he feels despondent or suicidal, how do you respond?

What do you think about spending time with him and tabling any talk of the relationship for now? There may be too much hurt, I know -- none of this is easy.

You are not alone. Many people here have walked in your shoes and are here to walk this path with you.

 

LnL

[CBL7381]

Thank you for your advice. I am taking it to heart. Maybe it is good to not think about the relationship aspect until he figures out how to manage his BPD a little better. I try to practice active listening and tell him that I will not judge anything that he has done.

I am trying to take care of myself right now too. It is hard when he was such a big part of my life for so long and now he just comes and goes for now. This was a big step for him to admit that there is a problem and to narrow it down to what it might be. I am hoping that he will be ready soon to take the next step and get help. I found an online module for cognitive behavior therapy called MoodGym. Have you heard of it? It is free and this might be a big selling point for him. I have passed along the information through email. He did not say anything about that email though. We did have several correspondence today through email and getting the house ready for the market.   

When he is suicidal I try to be supportive and remind him of all the people who care about him. I also mention how much it would hurt myself and out children and that it could cause more problems for our daughter who is struggling with mental illness as well. I feel bad putting that guilt trip on him, but I cannot think of anything else that might get through to him. He still really cares about our feelings, just not his own or himself.

Today he asked me not to waste time worrying about him that he is just getting through the next 10 min at a time. He is constantly apologizing for hurting me, but says he doesn't know what to do. When he does come home it lasts for a couple of hours before he gets the overwhelming feeling that he needs to run. He says he just wants to run from everything and be left alone.

I am glad that I found this site as well. I hope that it gives me a way to express what I am feeling and be focused and supportive of my husband when he is around.

Thank you LnL

[livednlearned]

There are specific communication skills that can help, and they are counter-intuitive. Most of us have to learn them.

The gold standard is validation. I think of it as bearing witness to the pain, to allow them to feel less emotionally lonely, no matter what those emotions may be.

Sometimes, we don't want to know the full extent of the pain because it is too much for us to bear. In that sense, it's the hardest skill in the world. In practice, tho, it can be as simple as acknowledging how they feel.

For example, when a loved one says he feels suicidal, your validating response would be, "You must be in such pain to feel that way."

It is essentially acknowledging his emotional state, not necessarily agreeing with what he says he will or will not do. It does take empathy, without it, he may feel your words are hollow.

Other skills include positive shaping. For example, if he happened to be someone who made plans and didn't come through, you would acknowledge when he does. "I know it can be hard to make an appearance when you're feeling so bad inside. Thanks for making the effort and stopping by today."

Over time, as you gain strength, it will be easier to adopt some of the other skills. And when you are stronger, he may feel less self-loathing when he realizes you are taking care of yourself at a time when he cannot.

None of this will cure his BPD, but this particular mental illness plays out in a very transactional way. Our emotions rise and fall much more intensely with loved ones -- intimacy becomes a trigger. When he pulls away, he is trying to manage the emotions he feels when he is hear his loved ones. It is one way he has learned to take care of himself, and even though it is not the best way, it is still something.

Oh, and yes! MoodGym is wonderful. I'm glad you found that resource and hope your H has the strength to begin self-care. I have also found that doing the things I want my loved one to do is a great way to set an example, whether it's mindfulness or some other practice that helps ease anxiety and worry.

[CBL7381]

Thank you so much for all your advice. I  have already changed my mindset about the situation our marriage is in right now. I am working on being supportive and letting him know that no matter what I will be here if he needs me. I will try the validation strategy and positive shaping the first chance I get. In fact there are plans for him to come help me on Sunday with something for the house. Maybe I'll get my chance then. I have learned about many of these strategies before, when I am in the moment and it is part of my life and not someone else's it is hard to see how all that can work. I feel more stable already and think I just needed to have someone tell me I am not wasting my time and that there is hope.

Mental illness is not something that was ever in my family or circle of friends before this. It was just something I read about. It is totally different to experience it with a loved one. I am so glad that I found the BPD family. I was really skeptical about doing anything like this online. I don't even part of any social media like facebook or twitter. I don't typically share what is happening in our house with anyone.

I have thought about talking to one of my family members to let them know what is happening. They are all under the impression that everything is happy and normal right now. I worry about talking to them and they judge him though. That has been holding me back, but I do not like feeling like I am hiding something from the other people I love. I also feel like maybe it's not my place to disclose that he is not mentally well.

He has a job interview today. I hope that it goes well for him. Crossing my fingers!

[livednlearned]

I have learned about many of these strategies before, when I am in the moment and it is part of my life and not someone else's it is hard to see how all that can work.

I understand! For me, it's two steps forward, one step back. I seem to have good days and bad days, where sometimes I can pull together a bundle of skills and things work, and other days where I can barely manage one.

There is another thing called JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) that goes with all this. Those of us who have been in high-conflict relationships for a while tend to be pretty familiar with JADEing, especially when the allegations are false. Sometimes, the best we can do is to not JADE, and just listen and manage our own emotions.

I have thought about talking to one of my family members to let them know what is happening. They are all under the impression that everything is happy and normal right now. I worry about talking to them and they judge him though.

I can understand the hesitation. Maybe there is a third way, where you disclose that the two of you are taking a break, and that you still love each other and are using this time to learn what you both need. That way your family won't feel blind sided if they discover you are living separately.

You may find that you have to be very intentional in those relationships, limiting what you discuss to lighter topics so that they can provide some normalcy in at least one part of your life. And then lean on a therapist or groups like this to support you in more skilled ways with BPD.

I learned to frame things, "I'm telling you this because I love you and want to explain why I am doing ________. But I also want you to know that I have a network of support from my therapist and so-and-so who are helping me navigate this. I want to hear how you are doing, and not let this other stuff overshadow our relationship, but I also want to share a little bit about what's going on so you understand why I may not always attend family functions with H."

And great news that your H has a job interview! He is doing the best he can do right now, and with your love and understanding, he may be motivated to do even better. For people with BPD, succeeding can sometimes feel very scary because it increases the anxiety about whether they deserve for things to be good, as well as pressure and expectations from others.

 

[CBL7381]

That's a great way to think about telling my family. I am not sure they will even understand that though. They have been under the impression that we were a very happy couple for 17 years. I think it will be a hard conversation for me, but one that probably needs to happen. H emailed to say he thinks the interview went well and should hear something by next Monday. It was really tough for him. He said his stress level was peaked out. I emailed him back using some of your suggestions... .telling him that I know that was not easy for him and I am proud of him for going through with it. I hope that gave him some comfort. I am not sure that I will need the JADE. There is not a whole lot of blame or arguing. He is just having a really hard time accepting that he has a place in this life and knowing where he fits. He also struggles knowing how to control all his different emotions. It is very much like I have read and he has the temperament of a child sometimes. His emotions are just so big. I always told him he feels things so much deeper than other people. I will keep it in mind if things change that way though.