Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
June 15, 2024, 04:24:14 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
confide your own personal limitations with a pwBPD and it is used to generateFOG
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: confide your own personal limitations with a pwBPD and it is used to generateFOG (Read 411 times)
Clara Louise
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 9
confide your own personal limitations with a pwBPD and it is used to generateFOG
«
on:
April 20, 2017, 08:18:06 PM »
I've read about FOG, trying to better understand it. Could you give me a concrete example or two that illustrate this dynamic. I get it . . . and then my emotional understanding slips away. I understand it intellectually, have a few tools to avoid this particular dynamic, and am grieving the loss of a mutually emotionally mature (complete with trust) partnership and marriage.
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
Skip
Site Director
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8817
Re: confide your own personal limitations with a pwBPD and it is used to generateFOG
«
Reply #1 on:
April 21, 2017, 01:05:16 AM »
Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us
Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They can be our parents or partners, bosses or coworkers, friends or lovers. No matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to win our compliance.
"Emotional Blackmail" and "FOG", terms coined by psychotherapist Susan Forward, Ph.D., are about controlling relationships and the theory that fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled. Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.
Is It Emotional Blackmail?
Forward and Frazier’s labeling of this dynamic with inflammatory terms such as "blackmail" and "manipulation" may not be so helpful as it is both polarizing and it implies premeditation and malicious intent which is often not the case. It helps to remember that the person who is acting in a controlling way often wants something from the other person that is legitimate to want. They may want to feel loved, safe, valuable, appreciated, supported, needed, etc. This is not the problem. The problem is often more a matter of how they are going about getting what they want, or that they are insensitive to our needs in doing so that is troubling - and how we react to all of this.
Logged
Tattered Heart
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1943
Re: confide your own personal limitations with a pwBPD and it is used to generateFOG
«
Reply #2 on:
April 21, 2017, 08:19:19 AM »
When I think of FOG I think of times when perhaps I wanted to either 1) stand up to my H and backed down halfway through or 2) wanted to ask something from my husband and didn't.
For instance, let's say that I wanted to go to dinner with some girlfriends. When I bring up the subject to my H, he begins to get angry. Instead of standing up for myself, being clear about my needs, validating him, etc. I begin to fear his anger, feel obligated to stay at home, and feel guilty for wanting to go out with others. So instead of doing what I want to do, which is going out with friends, I respond with FOG and end up staying home.
Logged
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12
Clara Louise
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 9
Re: confide your own personal limitations with a pwBPD and it is used to generateFOG
«
Reply #3 on:
April 21, 2017, 02:07:33 PM »
Thanks, Skip and Tattered Heart. TH: Your example was straightforward and very accessible.
As I reflect on situations such as these that have occurred over the years, I react with anger (my first mis-step); why should he be unsettled, angry, or generating some kind of distraction because I have plans?
FOG -- stemming from childhood responses were my "default" mode. Yikes . . .this is painful to see clearly.
Again, thank you for the concrete example you provided. I'm getting it and my role in the dynamic.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
confide your own personal limitations with a pwBPD and it is used to generateFOG
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...