Hi bitty2364
I join Panda39 in welcoming you here.
Well done finding someone to be in a relationship with, I'm sure the two of you can relate, having an abusive partner each. It's not easy to get through a relationship with an abusive partner, and you'll find a lot of us have gone through similar things here. Many things--others will struggle to understand them.
I feel like I'm caught on a merry-go-round because his estranged wife is very good at reeling him back in and then chewing him up.
Being involved with someone having difficulty being separate from an abusive partner is difficult. It's hard because they're trying to not get tangled, and you provide some comfort from that. But there's a risk of getting tangled too.
She'll agree to divorce and then two days later act as if nothing was ever discussed.
It's common for people undergoing constant emotional stress to forget things. Sometimes—the things we think are less forgettable, become more forgettable to these people because of the way unpleasant feelings are attached to these things.
She'll call him in the middle of the night, saying she needs to talk to him right away but once he gets there, she's sound asleep.
I've received this behaviour too. It's difficult because it this has been a pattern that's been built up over the relationship, then it's going to take extra effort to change it.
How do I support him in the healing process and the process of trying to split from his wife? I'm catching myself projecting my experience on to him even when I know that they are kind of different. Everyone's journey on this path is different.
Well observed. I do find this is similar to my relationships after the one with the person with BPD traits. I found I want to help, but there are so many colours of abuse that it doesn't feel effective to "therapy" this person—sometimes. Is this similar to what you feel?
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by: Paul Mason Randi Kreger
I support this book recommendation by Panda39. I found it very helpful. It's really consistent with her message that "This is where you need to take care of you." My thoughts on this is to look at making sure the ducks you want are in order before looking at sorting out other peoples' ducks. It's hard and it takes time, but it's very worth it.
I think the immediate value for you from looking whether it makes sense to help him, and whether you're a distraction from his issues is this. From things like Kreger's work—you'll find you're more able to see the dynamics between your partner and his ex. Then you can choose what's most effective instead of getting into their battle with them. It wasn't your job to save your abusive partner—and while this new partner isn't abusive—it might not be your job to save him either. So where does that leave us?
I look forward to see how this develops for you.