Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 08:02:46 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books most popular with members
104
Stop Caretaking the
Borderline or the Narcassist
Stop Walking
on Eggshells
Journey from
Abandonment to Healing
The Search for Real Self
Unmasking Personality Disorders

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Am I doing this all wrong?  (Read 584 times)
bus boy
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« on: April 22, 2017, 11:10:55 AM »

I've posted often of the difficulties I faced with co parenting. I've always worked with Xw, I've always been willing to accommodate her requests for s10 but when I look for extra time or changes the answer is no or we have plans. No matter how I approach it, it's always a loosing situation. Today I agreed to let s10 go with her for a couple of hours, she wanted 3 hours, I said 2hr and where we will meet for pick up and drop off of s10, she pushed for 3hr I refused, she pushed for her own pick up and drop off place, I said no, it will be where I said and 2hr, 12:00- 2:00. I feel I'm being an a hole, I don't want to tit for tat but Xw his horrible to deal with, she will drive by my place on an access pick up day and not even tell me and I would have to drive 1/2hr each way to get to her house from mine. She does so many countless devious underhanded things, involves her BF in enabling her and I feel like the p***k. I gave this extra time today with nothing in return, I even asked Xw if I could pick s10 up at 4:00 instead of 6:00 and she refused and I still gave the time. It seems so sad, I am really trying to keep s10 out of it. S10 lives with his mother so she has his ear, Xw can text me that "s10 wants"  and I ask for the time back in return Xw says it's not me wanting to switch it's s10, if I ask for extra time for something she says its your request not s10's. Xw tells s10 about events she wants to involve him in during my access time than drops it on me but I don't do that, I ask her first. Even last Weekend, Easter was split, we had our Easter dinner on Saturday, s10 was to be home at 6:00pm, I text Xw saying I might be a bit late on the drop off, and she did not extend me the extra time, instead of saying ok, how late? I got a song and dance so I drive my Easter supper into me and had s10 home on time. If I give the time, I feel like a fool, if I don't, I feel like a horses arse.
Logged
Nope
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: married
Posts: 951



« Reply #1 on: April 22, 2017, 04:35:54 PM »

Yes, you are doing this wrong.

Stop. Giving. Her. Extra. Time.

You feeling like a horse's behind is a trained response to FOG. (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). If you take your court ordered time, she is going to react badly. If you don't, she is going to take a mile every time you allow an inch. The best thing you can do is not put S10 in the middle by giving him a choice to make a request to change the schedule. The schedule is what it is. Giving him stability means following it to the letter. Once uBPDex gets used to the new reality, if something very special and specific comes up, you can decide on a one time adjustment on a case by case basis with the understanding that there will be zero reciprocity.

Right now, and for the foreseeable future, just get practice holding your ground and taking all of your access time.
Logged
david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #2 on: April 22, 2017, 05:31:07 PM »

Follow the order. You will get a backlash from ex. That is from you setting a boundary. Over time, depending on how long it takes her, she will figure it out provided you stay consistent.
I did not deviate from our order for about three years. Eventually ex changed too. Our order allows changes provided both parties agree in an email exchange. My emails are very specific, short and to the point.
At first ex blamed me to the kids. They asked me about it sometimes and I simply said that is what the court order says and if I don't follow it I am in contempt of court. They were younger then and they never asked what contempt of court meant. They understood it was not a good thing.
When ex asks for more time you can reply no or we have plans. My ex used the we have plans a lot in the beginning when I asked for extra time too.
Logged

bus boy
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« Reply #3 on: April 22, 2017, 08:32:05 PM »

Nope, david, thanks. I am doing this all wrong. I am giving the time, thinking I'm doing the right thing for s10 and she treats me like a dog. Xw wanted 3hr is said no, 2 hr 12:00-2:00, by 2:30 s10 was no where in sight. Xw text saying s10 is in tears bc he has to leave, can he stay the extra 15 minutes? I agreed and she was 45 minutes late, if I'm 2 min late she's texting me. she also said s10 was having so much fun with the other kids, when she dropped s10 back to me I asked him how his time was? He said good, I asked about his being so upset he didn't know what I was talking about, I just left it at that I didn't push it and as far as playing I was tricked on that as well, their was a teenage girl, an infant, a 2 year old girl and boy not 2 yet. Xw made it sound like s10 was with a bunch of kids his age group roaring around. She lied, tricked and took advantage of me.
Logged
david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #4 on: April 22, 2017, 09:38:17 PM »

As things evolved for me I noticed that when my ex asked for something and gave reasons that played on my emotions she was lying. When I started saying no she responded in an angrier tone. That led me to believe she was lying to begin with.
Your son confirmed that she was distorting what the reality was. I learned to trust our boys at some point. I realized they were young so you had to read between the lines but their descriptions of things made more sense.
I no longer believe anything she says and am rarely disappointed with my decisions based on that belief. I no longer get upset by the things she does or says. That took years to get so don't beat yourself up about it.
Our court order requires email responses within 48 hours. When I think she is up to some kind of nonsense I will reply in my email that I will get back to her in two days. That gives me time to think it over and also see our boys and see whether what she is saying is true or not. I don't ask them directly but similar to what you did with your son. Once he told you he didn't know what you were talking about you can let it go and realize her perception was radically different than your sons.
Confronting her with the truth will only cause more chaos so it is best to learn and move forward.
Logged

Nope
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: married
Posts: 951



« Reply #5 on: April 23, 2017, 08:16:33 AM »

As things evolved for me I noticed that when my ex asked for something and gave reasons that played on my emotions she was lying.


This. My DH lost his father years ago and is very sensitive about it. A few years ago when the kids were living with their uBPDm he tried to get them for Father's Day. She refused to give him Father's Day, even though he was legally entitled to have them if he requested them based on the court order. She said her grandfather (who the kids were close with) was very sick and this would probably be the last Father's Day they'd have with him. So of course my DH relented. Only to find out a year or so later that the grandfather had died four months before that Father's Day. *eyeroll*
Logged
david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #6 on: April 23, 2017, 01:47:30 PM »

Also, I've been dealing with this since 2007. From then to now I have never had a emergency that required a phone call/ a sudden change in the custody order/etc. Having an email sent in advance has always worked in my situation. If I wanted to take the kids somewhere on ex's time I gave plenty of advance notification. Rarely was it less than a week's` notice. Our order requires a reply within 48 hours so my emails are far ahead of that schedule. I am sure there can be exceptions but I haven't had a single incident in a decade.
Ex has asked for changes that required a response within hours. I usually don't respond immediately because I believe she is just trying to create some kind of drama. After a few of those she figured out that she needed top give me more notice than that. She still tries from time to time.
Several weeks ago she sent an email saying I could not drop the boys off at her place in the morning. Normally, I drop them off and then go to work. Her email was around 10 pm. I was already in bed sleeping at that time. I got up in the morning, woke the boys up, fed them, an drove them to her mom's. On the way , our youngest (13), received a text from his mom saying she was home and I could drop them off. I read the email hours later.
A week later she sent an email saying the same thing but this time she gave me the 48 hours response time our order permits. I made arrangements and everything worked fine. I had to drive by her place because the boys needed to drop some of their things off since they were with their mom after school that day. Her vehicle was in the driveway. Our youngest grabbed his things and was going to put them on the front porch. When he got to the porch he tried the door and it was unlocked. He went inside and dropped his things off. He came back to my vehicle. I started to drive him to school and he simply stated , "I knew she was going to be home. She lies so much." He talked some more and apparently she was in her pj's watching tv. She was getting ready to make breakfast and told him she was going to do the wash.
Logged

bus boy
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« Reply #7 on: April 23, 2017, 04:48:24 PM »

david, I am learning slowly. It drives me but there's nothing I can do, I know she's lying but to confront her is chaos, she will worm and weasel like the slink she is and I get no where but more frustrated. I'm an exemplary father but Xw workes as hard as she can to smear me. She's 39 now and I'm thinking her personality disorder is just starting to show its ugly teeth. I will use this weekend as a learning experience and learning how to let go.
Logged
david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #8 on: April 23, 2017, 09:37:42 PM »

It took me years to not let it get to me. I vented on this site or some friends. I read some books on BPD to try to understand so I could fix things. Eventually I realized I couldn't fix things and had to accept things the way they are. I learned ways around my ex's obstructions. I wasn't always successful but I got better at it.
The advantage I have is I learned to adapt and change to accomplish what I thought best for our boys. Ex has no such ability. 
She has a limited repertoire of behaviors so you can kind of anticipate what she will say or do. It isn't exact but close enough.
Confronting my ex led to chaos too. This site used to say all the time,"negative engagement is still engagement". That has a whole bunch of levels to it. When my ex gets dysregulated she will send me an email with all kinds of nonsense. I used to respond and that led to a back and forth with no progress. She wasn't looking for progress. She just needed to engage to project her bad feelings. I no longer respond and I only have to read that first email in case it has something to do with our boys. She rarely sends a second email.
Logged

Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #9 on: April 24, 2017, 12:53:07 AM »

bus boy,

You've been here a while,  long enough to see the tools on Detaching as well as the information on this board,  not to mention reading others' stories and getting peer support as well.

It certainly sucks not only to deal with your ex,  but also the bf, not to mention trying to navigate this with a 10 year old.  Is there something keeping you stuck not enforcing boundaries that are backed by a court order?

Though you've had to deal with your son and his views and relationship with his mom (tough), your relationship with him is seperate. He's also more then old enough to pick up on how you exhibit your father-parenthood in all of this.  Children believe dads are strong; it's just how they view us.  It isn't mistreating Mom by asserting boundaries.  Asserting yourself can teach him to do the same,  the added benefit being that he may learn to stand up to his mother,  inoculating him against the enmeshment tendencies of a BPD parent. This will become critical as he enters his teens.  I had a mother with BPD, believe me that is critical. I had no one.  He has you. 

So what's keeping you stuck by not embracing those boundaries?
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
bus boy
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« Reply #10 on: April 24, 2017, 06:59:32 PM »

Hi Turkish, I remember one time s10 stood up to his mom, she shut him down pretty fast, in fact Xw would do the same to me when I would argue back, her eyes would get big as saucers and the look was pretty scary so it wouldn't take to many times of Xw doing the same to s10 to train him not to stand up to her, Xw is an expert at using rear and covert abuse. I am his teacher and I also feel s10 is being trained to do what ever makes mom happy, s10 probably sees mommy happy when her trained puppy runs every time she calls him ( the BF). S10 also learned not to respect me, my word or his word, it's my job to teach s10, as far as I can see he has no one else to teach him respect. This weekend opened my eyes to many different things.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #11 on: April 24, 2017, 11:55:35 PM »

S10 also learned not to respect me, my word or his word, it's my job to teach s10, as far as I can see he has no one else to teach him respect.

Some of this probably stems from how he's seen you react to what his mom does. Still,  you have control over how you react,  and your r/s as a father is also your purview,  despite the static from mom and bf.

What do you think you can do differently regarding your r/s with your son? Are you afraid of being more assertive and him being angry as a possible result?
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
insideout77
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 65


« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2017, 08:16:54 AM »

Busboy:

There are two issues at play here. 1. Boundaries are your friend. Get as many as you can. Use the OFW for all communication if you can and never respond before 24hours after a note unless it's truly an emergency. She is playing the kids against you. Sometimes as a parent you have to say no to the kids for the greater good. I personally will not take a message for anything via my kids. It took a few months but she stopped sending them bc they were not effective. There is a way to communicate and she knows how. Imagine her as a giant toddler that will never grow up and simply use the same approach to her as you would for a toddler. It will work every time.

2. You have to get healthy yourself. Healthy people never get involved with  BPD's and by working on your codependency and building up your own self esteem and confidence, you will be able to set boundaries easier and not be bothered too much by her craziness.

Key to remember: she will never change for the better. Only you can and by creating emotional distance and better health, she will be less of a factor In your life!

Hugs! You can do this!
Logged
bus boy
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2017, 10:49:48 AM »

That was great replies to my post, thank you. So true, Xw will never change for the better. Last weekend should of been my full access weekend and this coming weekend is my split weekend, since Mother's Day was last weekend I only had s10 for one day, fair enough so I request we swap weekends, do the split for Mother's Day and use the split weekend as my full access and than resume with the original access, this way I wouldn't loose any access time, her answer
"No"
Logged
david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2017, 02:38:46 PM »

Years ago my ex wanted Mothers day with our boys. Our court order wasn't finalized and I agreed provided Fathers day be treated the same. She agreed. It was all in email exchanges.

Mothers day went fine. I picked the boys up on Fathers day weekend as agreed. We went to see a movie on that Sunday. Of course I turned my phone off before the movie started. On the way home I turned my phone on and ex had called several times. Each time she left a nastier and nastier voicemail. The boys were in the car and I didn't want to get in an exchange with ex so I figured I would call her when we got home. She was standing in the driveway talking on her cell.

I got out of the car and ex started fireworks immediately. I got back in the car and drove away. I returned and she was still there so I drove to the police station. I talked to the officer and asked him to call her. She went ballistic on him too. He told me to go home and there was nothing he could do. I told him I would be back if she was still in the driveway. As I was driving away I saw her entering the parking lot. I went home and got the kids in bed. Took them to school the next day.

A few days later I received an email attacking me about that night. She threatened taking me to court. I simply replied that she agreed in an email dated such and such. Her reply was that she didn't know why she would agree to such a thing. Back then I still engaged to things like that and replied that I didn't know either but that we had an agreement and I was following it. I wouldn't reply to the first email now and would just let it go.

Logged

insideout77
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 65


« Reply #15 on: May 17, 2017, 11:39:24 PM »

Busboy:

i decided day one that i would never ask her for a favor. No special requests - nothing. If i don't put myself in your her lap, she can't control me. I follow the schedule and I don't deviate. If she ever has a request, I look ahead to find a switch that i need and make it or i just say no. Bottom line, don't set yourself up to be affected by her and she can't bother you.   

you need to get her out of your head and disconnect. Do not expect her to ever do anything nice or caring and considerate. Toddlers don't do that, they ONLY do what works for them at that moment.

Logged
bus boy
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« Reply #16 on: May 18, 2017, 10:56:17 AM »

Wow, you have my story nailed, like you knew my Xw, I was sick yesterday, had to postpone my access, s10 was sad. The court order clearly states any time missed due to circumstances out of my control the time is to be made up but Xw refuses to make up lost time.
Logged
insideout77
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 65


« Reply #17 on: May 18, 2017, 08:47:01 PM »

you have to choose your battles wisely...  Judges don't like when their orders are being ignored. keep a log of this and if it keeps happening pile it and give it your attorney to file a complaint.  

Re: illness, im not a prophet, but i wonder if your illness is stress related and with that i urge you to focus on taking care of yourself something many of us living with BPD's neglect. Get exercise, Me time, just do things you always wanted to do. It will help your health and lower the stress level.  

I was lucky enough to keep my house b/c of a good lawyer who gave me good advice, day one. So I've been doing gardening with the kids and yesterday decided to trim my hedges in front in a wacky shape. I thought twice before doing it, but then realized that if I want to, then I CAN.   So I did it because I CAN.  To me that is freedom and I love it. Living with a BPD I always thought I can't!
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!