I got fooled again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

How the f**k do I deal with this? I let s10 go with his mother, it's my access weekend, I stressed 2hr, 12:00- 2:00, it's almost 3:30 and I'm still waiting, I feel so powerless, Xw text at 2:30 said s10 was in tears, wanted to stay longer, would I mind 15 more min. I said she never honours sush requests from me but I will allow the extra few minutes, that was 45 min ago, she even went 1/2 hour over her initial request. When I told Xw she never honours such requests from me, she replied in her narcisstic fashion by saying it wasn't her request it is s10's. She just doesn't get it, she has refused my requests and s10's. Maybe I'm all wrong, I know kids need stability, I don't always refuse xw's requests for extra or changed access, I mostly say yes, she is at least constantly no, maybe I'm the unstable one in s10's life.

[bus boy]

How the f**k do I deal with this? I let s10 go with his mother, it's my access weekend, I stressed 2hr, 12:00- 2:00, it's almost 3:30 and I'm still waiting, I feel so powerless, Xw text at 2:30 said s10 was in tears, wanted to stay longer, would I mind 15 more min. I said she never honours sush requests from me but I will allow the extra few minutes, that was 45 min ago, she even went 1/2 hour over her initial request. When I told Xw she never honours such requests from me, she replied in her narcisstic fashion by saying it wasn't her request it is s10's. She just doesn't get it, she has refused my requests and s10's. Maybe I'm all wrong, I know kids need stability, I don't always refuse xw's requests for extra or changed access, I mostly say yes, she is at least constantly no, maybe I'm the unstable one in s10's life.

[hope2727]

Document document  document

You may have to choose to stay to the letter of the law with your agreement. I know there will be disadvantages to doing so but they may be outweighed by the positives.

[bus boy]

I know woman who have ex's that are no good from the get go, drunk in the tavern, don't honour access, don't make support payments and get more respect than I do. I've never missed access, although the first statement in xw's sworn affidavit was " bus boy continually misses access" I've never missed one payment, I've always been right there in s10's life. I'm being bull headed in my thinking, I treat her good there for she should treat me good but it never happens. I'm way out of her life, she has a common law BF for 2 years now, she should move on grow up but she's getting worse. I have everything documented but I must realize Xw will never change and I have to stop thinking she will reciprocate in kind and stick to the letter of the order.

[insideout77]

Busboy:

Can you show me the contract that says if your nice to her than she has to be nice to you? Haha ofcourse there is none. So stop creating expectations. She has been likely playing this game with you for years and until you put an end to it , it's going to continue. Your the only adult In the room and as unfair as it sounds, life isnt fair and you have to take charge if you want this to work. Set boundaries. Never make a gesture, repeat - never make a gesture and like letting your kid cry themselves to sleep actually teaches them to sleep, the same applies to the Ex and she will learn that no means no!

[Panda39]

I want to piggy back on insideout77 and boundaries by sharing something I posted in another thread... .

I agree boundaries are key to your own well being and I'm sure you know how hard boundaries are when you have a "boundary busting" person with BPD in your life. I know you probably already know this but I still like to share my simple little analogy  because I want to reinforce how important it is to not only have a boundary but to enforce your boundary.

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum. What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

By having not boundaries or not enforcing boundaries your ex can and will do whatever she wants.  Be aware though that just like the kid in my story your ex will probably escalate (Kid's screaming tantrum), your job is to just keep saying "no".

Below is more information pulled from around the site on boundaries that might be helpful... .

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Panda39

[Ulysses]

Hey there busboy,
I agree that knowing your boundaries will help in this process.

Just a quick thought.  While you're sorting things out, what if you pick up your son rather than giving your ex the power to drive him to your home?  For instance if there's an event and you feel it's in your son's best interest to go, you can agree that she will pick him up from your place and you will pick him up at X time from her place (or the event location)  Maybe if S sees you the transition will be easier.  I'm not saying this is a solution long-term.  But maybe it will change the dynamic and help give you a sense of agency.

[ForeverDad]

I know this may sound callous, but I've ben told multiple times that the children don't determine the schedules, that is the realm of the parents.  SO her claim that S10 was the one who wanted to stay longer may be emotionally plausable but the parents are in charge and need to follow the order or documented changes they agreed to.

Do not allow any verbal trades or verbal changes to the schedule.  Why?  Because if they fail and you report it to the court, such as Contempt of Court, you won't have readily available documentation.  Very likely the court will figure it's just parents bickering consider it hearsay or not rising to the level of being actionable and okay to be ignored.  In the past written agreements were best for trades and such minor changes, but with electronics gaining universal use emails and even texts may serve as documentation.

Oh, another caution.  Early in my separation and divorce years, our conflict was quite high.  She would ask by phone for trades then re-define the trades later.  I learned to not only get the trades in writing but in those early days also to take my part of the trade first.  There was one instance when my son was in kindergarten and she did that to me.  A while before she had mentioned verbally going on vacation during Spring Break week but she never followed up with a notice nor details.  Well at the start of Spring Break week she asked for a trade to get a day early in the week and she'd give me Friday.  Well, on Friday (near the end of Spring Break week and me assuming she dropped the vacation idea) I went to get our son and he wasn't there.  Once the 30 minute exchange time window ended I called her and she said she was a few states away heading out on vacation.  Son missed the school week following Spring Break and she hadn't notified them either.  Chaos!  And my lawyer said it wasn't worth complaining about to court.

Can you show me the contract that says if your nice to her than she has to be nice to you? Haha of course there is none. So stop creating expectations. She has been likely playing this game with you for years and until you put an end to it , it's going to continue. You're the only adult in the room and as unfair as it sounds, life isn't fair and you have to take charge if you want this to work. Set boundaries. Never make a gesture, repeat - never make a gesture and like letting your kid cry themselves to sleep actually teaches them to sleep, the same applies to the Ex and she will learn that no means no!

I chuckled at that.  Reciprocity is not a concept in the BPD 101 Handbook, well, not unless it is something the pwBPD wants too.  Sorry.