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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Lost  (Read 344 times)
Seed of ...
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: April 27, 2017, 09:33:16 AM »

Well this is my first post. I have been reading the book Walking on Egg Shells. My Mom picked it up for me and wanted to make sure I read to help me get some clarification as to why my significant other and Mother of our child does some of the things she does. Turns out that my Mom actually displays all the traits and after reading stories in the book, it has become clear that not only my significant other (lets just call her Jane), but my Mom and for sure fit some of the descriptions.

Jane is typically very appreciative of me, even regularly says I'm awesome and a great Dad I am and that she notices how much I care. Then the wind changes or she is having an issue with our baby (who she regularly tells to shut or has a melt down towards) or her family stressing her out and all of a sudden I'm a drunk that is un available to her emotions or she will say that she is scared to talk to me about her feelings as she is afraid of how it will be received/ responded to. Keep in mind that I do drink (typically more in times of confusion and hurt from her) and she is physically abusive.

What to do? This is a day after another meltdown that she has thrown all my items at me, hit me with objects and her fists, yanked my hair pulling me down to the ground and stomped on my back while I was still in bed asking her to please stop. She has actually put the things back now and at one point yesterday mentioned how sorry she was that the monster came out again.

Apparently she had been diagnosed with BPD several years ago (prior to us being together)
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2017, 01:02:44 PM »

Hi Seed of ... . 

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to the family, I'm sorry that you're going throught this, I just want to say that I think that you made a significant step and I'm glad that you decided to join us. This a platform for members like you to have a voice without being invalidated for our feelings and thoughts, many of us have been in your shoes, I went through domestic violence like you but luckily for me they were isolated incidents, it helps to talk to others like you, we can support each other together, you're not alone. Are you safe at the moment?

Safety First

Domestic violence [for men]
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Shane87

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« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2017, 02:38:52 PM »

Seed of ... .,

That sounds really, really severe.  I can totally relate to being told how she's somehow afraid in regards to how her thoughts or feelings will be received, etc., before unleashing on you.  It's a passive-aggressive approach, portraying herself as a victim right before she abuses you.

My wife says similar things regularly.  According to our psychiatrist, she's used my empathy as leverage against me, conditioning me to submit to the abuse since I sincerely don't want her to ever have any fear of me.  So I would allow myself to be treated as a designated whipping-boy/doormat to prove that she doesn't need to fear me. 

In my case it's only been verbal/psychological abuse.  In your case, I'd look into finding a way to record the physical abuse.  You'll need undeniable proof of both her behavior and yours.  Otherwise, when this escalates to the "authorities" (and it eventually will, one way or another) you are going to be treated as guilty until proven innocent due to being male.  Before you can help her, you have to be able to protect yourself.
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JoeBPD81
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« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2017, 03:47:52 PM »

Hi there!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. We all feel lost at least half the time, and it sounds you don't have it easy.

Having your loved one praise you one moment and calling you names the next is devastating. It makes you feel powerless and lost all right. In a sense, they show us a taste of what they feel all the time.

You are already very brave to be here wanting to improve the relationship, and besides finding maybe some tips to handle your situation, you'll sure find people that have gone through the same, and you can talk about it an be understood. That is part of taking care of yourself, that is on important part of any path to well being.

Reading and learning also help, when you learn that those changes can be understood and even predicted, and managed (I'm not there yet) your little world becomes way less scary.

I'm sure Jane is right about you being a caring great person. That should be enough to be apreciated all the time, right? But when she is stressed (and the smallest thing can set it off), she loses contact with what she knows. You can learn when logic won't apply, so it doesn't feel like it comes out of nowhere.

The good news is that improving the situation for yourself, it makes an impact on her too, and it does help the relationship.

I think she is afraid of telling you about her feelings because she is ashamed of them, of herself. She thinks anyone who listen would think she is unworthy. So it doesn't mean that she is afraid of you. Try telling her, "do you want me to just listen? I won't respond in any way if that makes you feel safe. I already know you are in pain, and what I want above all is to not make things harder for you. Most people have fears about talking about their feelings, so I get it." If she does talk, then your goal is that she knows you understand (what she says, the facts, and her feelings about them),and not to fix her problems. We guys tend to jump to offer solutions.

It sounds like your mother wants to support you on this. She can offer some insight and understanding first hand. If she does not believe she has BPD, you can still ask her "why do you think Jane does this?" Even if she doesn't get it right, it is a great help having someone close who knows and is openminded about it.

Having kids, as we have, it makes it harder to put some space between you and your SO (significant other) when you feel it's needed. But they also give us strenght and purpose. I can't go, but I say to my SO "This is stressing, you might want to take a walk and have a smoke and let me handle the kids for an hour (or whatever)you've had a bussy day already."

I'm not good at saying just the right amount of things, I write too much. I hope I didn't bore you, just wanted to offer some ideas, so you don't feel there is nothing you can do.

Good luck and please,keep us posted.
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Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
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« Reply #4 on: April 28, 2017, 12:14:59 AM »

Hi Seed of ... .,

How are things today? Do you feel safe? And so you feel that your baby is safe?

JoeBPD81 brings up a good point about the shame that a pwBPD  (person with BPD) can feel at his or her core.  This doesn't excuse the behaviors,  but it can provide context and perhaps a focus where you can adjust your communication style in order to reduce conflict which leads up to her acts of domestic violence.  Again,  this doesn't excuse her behaviors. You have a baby.  You have feelings for her.  You're trying to manage a life and a home.  We have discussions about how to use the communication tools you read about in the book (and more). Lesson 3 to the right of the board. 

I'm also sorry that you've realized that your mother has BPD traits. So does mine.  I only realized it after coming here dealing with my ex and mother of our children. 

Does anyone in your real life know about how you are struggling inside your home?
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