Not sure co-parenting is working

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am really trying to co-parent with soon to be ex but I think his feelings of being the victim and how I have caused all the issues is getting in the way. Very likely that the same issues we had in our marriage due to his BPD are also affecting the attempt at co-parenting... .overly sensitive, fixated on certain words and supposed nuances to the conversations. I am looking to best support our children (s12 and d8) but it seems he is still looking for me to support him. For example, tonight he calls to "get clarification" on an issue that he and s12 are having. I don't have a clue what has happened, so I state "I can't support you if I don't know what is going on". Ex calls back rambling on about how disappointed he is that I would say on speaker phone so our son can hear that "I can't support you"... .leaves off the important remainder of the statement I had made. He goes on about how I am cutting him down in front of his son and how this is yet another example of me getting in the way of his relationship with his children. The sad part is that I go above and beyond to help support him being in their lives... .willing to change schedules, drive them out to him when he is low on gas, never saying anything bad about him... .
Does it ever change? Or am I forever going to be the "bad guy" in his eyes because he can't accept his own responsibility?

[Inneedofhelp]

I am really trying to co-parent with soon to be ex but I think his feelings of being the victim and how I have caused all the issues is getting in the way. Very likely that the same issues we had in our marriage due to his BPD are also affecting the attempt at co-parenting... .overly sensitive, fixated on certain words and supposed nuances to the conversations. I am looking to best support our children (s12 and d8) but it seems he is still looking for me to support him. For example, tonight he calls to "get clarification" on an issue that he and s12 are having. I don't have a clue what has happened, so I state "I can't support you if I don't know what is going on". Ex calls back rambling on about how disappointed he is that I would say on speaker phone so our son can hear that "I can't support you"... .leaves off the important remainder of the statement I had made. He goes on about how I am cutting him down in front of his son and how this is yet another example of me getting in the way of his relationship with his children. The sad part is that I go above and beyond to help support him being in their lives... .willing to change schedules, drive them out to him when he is low on gas, never saying anything bad about him... .
Does it ever change? Or am I forever going to be the "bad guy" in his eyes because he can't accept his own responsibility?

[Panda39]

I want to suggest a tool that you might find helpful. Have you ever thought of switching to email communication only?  My SO found it really helpful during his divorce.  Why email?

It keeps the conversations between you and stbx out of ear shot of the kids.
(My SO's daughter who was being alienated by her mother told her dad that he was always yelling at her mom? He was really? When did you hear this? We only communicate by email  uBPDmom, feelings = facts... .Dad facts=facts)

It creates documentation of your interactions that you could use in court.

It slows down your interactions so you can take time to think through your response or if you even need to respond at all. (My SO often received a lot of accusatory stuff directed at him, usually what a bad dad he was... .FOG. No need to respond). 

Only respond to emails or parts of emails about the kids and use BIFF  (Brief, Informative, Firm, Friendly) in other words Short and Sweet (or at least businesslike). Ignore anything about you and him... .your only relationship is in terms of your children.

Taking your time to respond also gives your stbx time to deal with his own emotions which are often just in the moment.  One member here talked about waiting at least 24 hours to respond to emails.

I also wanted to point out the triangulation that was going on in the conversation you had with the stbx.

stbx - victim
son - persecutor
you - rescuer

I know all of this is hard to see when you are "in it" but can you see the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that was being used?  You weren't supporting him FOG. You not supporting him was false/invalid, you know it, and don't need to defend it.  We often say don't validate the invalid. By defending yourself you validated his invalid belief.

Karpman triangle

The Karpman Triangle, described by Stephen Karpman is a very useful tool for understanding "stuck" relationship dynamics. The roles are Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. We may start in one position, but as another (or others) shift around the triangle, so do we.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt - Emotional Blackmail

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

To me the best way to deal with your stbx is to understand the dysfunctional dance that you are in with him.  Once you can see what is going on it can become easier to negotiate your interactions.  I hope I've provided some tools and information that are helpful.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Inneedofhelp]

Thank you Pada39-very helpful information. I know it will be a struggle but I think email is a good way to go. I have requested that we limit our interactions significantly and ONLY if it is something directly related to the children. He can't. I have started setting more guidelines and boundaries for our communication, while trying to be firm, neutral and cooperative. He hasn't shown the same in return, so I know I need to take the lead.