20 year relationship ending.

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife was 19 when we met. She seemed normal, motivated, independent,  hyper. She became my best friend.  We got married after 6 years of dating and living together. She seemed perfect. After marriage symptoms appeared during periods occasionally.  Mood swings, depression, anxiety, fight picking, circle arguments. Sometimes she would seem like 5 different people. That stuff was pretty rare and yes freaky but I chalked it up to pms. After our first child baby blues really messed her up. She was mostly a hyper person, but after child birth she became more depressed than normal or hyper. We are still in a loving relationship at the 12 year mark we have child #2. Baby blues hit so hard she has psychotic break and she gets admitted. Diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar. She starts meds. I didn't ? It.  Meds keep her down, but she was pretty down now so I don't see that they helped. She started binge drinking and smoking pot everyday before bed so she could sleep. At 39.5 perimenepausal symptoms started and her mental issues exploded. Extreme paranoia, and projection of her bs. I'm split black and hated. Quiet BPD explains her to a tee.  She has gotten 3 restraining orders on me for trying to communicate with her. She is not a bad person. The disorder is really more extreme then it ever has been. It has been 5 months and I am still in limbo. She has isolated herself and my children. I do see my children by going threw her mother to make arrangements.
Her silent treatment is a power play and she is running from me knowing that she most likely has BPD. This woman does not have a reason to hate me. The last year she has been trying to attach to her mother. Always inserting herself into her mother's plans. She changed her hair and look to be like her mother. Then you look at the big picture, she copied her mother's career as a teacher at the same school and grade her mother taught. Obviously there are issues there.
I'm in therapy and trying to figure out what is going on. She has openly raged like 6 times near the end. All totally irrational issues. With the restraining orders my hands are tied. Fog, fear of arrest.
I have studied BPD inside and out. I would like a shot at trying with my knowledge to survive and guide her toward therapy. Her fear of me is just so irrational. 20 years should tell her I wouldn't harm her, but she fears me.
Any advice would be appreciated.  I will wait as long as I can. I'm doing okay and it isn't all bad, but it is just so sad that the love of your life just can flip a switch and now you are the devil is just so heartbreaking.

[Wallace48]

My wife was 19 when we met. She seemed normal, motivated, independent,  hyper. She became my best friend.  We got married after 6 years of dating and living together. She seemed perfect. After marriage symptoms appeared during periods occasionally.  Mood swings, depression, anxiety, fight picking, circle arguments. Sometimes she would seem like 5 different people. That stuff was pretty rare and yes freaky but I chalked it up to pms. After our first child baby blues really messed her up. She was mostly a hyper person, but after child birth she became more depressed than normal or hyper. We are still in a loving relationship at the 12 year mark we have child #2. Baby blues hit so hard she has psychotic break and she gets admitted. Diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar. She starts meds. I didn't ? It.  Meds keep her down, but she was pretty down now so I don't see that they helped. She started binge drinking and smoking pot everyday before bed so she could sleep. At 39.5 perimenepausal symptoms started and her mental issues exploded. Extreme paranoia, and projection of her bs. I'm split black and hated. Quiet BPD explains her to a tee.  She has gotten 3 restraining orders on me for trying to communicate with her. She is not a bad person. The disorder is really more extreme then it ever has been. It has been 5 months and I am still in limbo. She has isolated herself and my children. I do see my children by going threw her mother to make arrangements.
Her silent treatment is a power play and she is running from me knowing that she most likely has BPD. This woman does not have a reason to hate me. The last year she has been trying to attach to her mother. Always inserting herself into her mother's plans. She changed her hair and look to be like her mother. Then you look at the big picture, she copied her mother's career as a teacher at the same school and grade her mother taught. Obviously there are issues there.
I'm in therapy and trying to figure out what is going on. She has openly raged like 6 times near the end. All totally irrational issues. With the restraining orders my hands are tied. Fog, fear of arrest.
I have studied BPD inside and out. I would like a shot at trying with my knowledge to survive and guide her toward therapy. Her fear of me is just so irrational. 20 years should tell her I wouldn't harm her, but she fears me.
Any advice would be appreciated.  I will wait as long as I can. I'm doing okay and it isn't all bad, but it is just so sad that the love of your life just can flip a switch and now you are the devil is just so heartbreaking.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stolen]

Wallace,

I think I've posted on your other threads?  So many parallels.  xW was just shy of 18 when we met, major mother issues, periodic dysregulation written off to PMS, two kids (mine girls), this turned us from collaborative to contentious. As long as we were enveloped in a swirl of effort and activity it was OK, but the "dis-ease" was clear.  39.5 another checkpoint for you?  I'd put mine (her's) at 42.  Turned into another person - I suspected a brain tumor perhaps. Everyone but BFF and kids split black.  Continued downhill, and here I sit 9 years later. 

Lessons?  Stay as close to the kids as you can. Appeasement will only hurt you, and them. I was able to accept not being able to save her (oh, did I try), but I just can't get over not being able to protect my daughters.  They are now well in line to be the 4th generation of that family to carry forth disorder. 

Read "Understanding the Borderline Mother", read Childress, particularly about Pathogenic Parenting and its indications (https://drcraigchildressblog.com/2014/09/11/diagnostic-checklist-for-pathogenic-parenting/).   Not sure where you are in the process, but you need a lawyer who understands the pathology and knows how to fight for your time and rights with your children. The team will not do this for you. 

Sorry - too many words.  PM me any time - I can tell you everything I did wrong... .

Good luck. 

My MIL was a vicious witch - she always resented "losing" her abused (by her) and enmeshed (with her) daughter to me. Do not discount the power and intentions of the team. They are not your team. Not for a second.

[Wallace48]

Thanks for reply. Sorry to here yours was witch type. I have been there. 1st wife was witch /waif. 5 years of hell, that lasted until kids became adults. She was low functioning.
My wife now is quiet borderline waif/queen. She is really a good person. Unlike the 1st wife. In 20 years, I would say 80% great. As long as life was a struggle she was happy. We have 2 boys.
In the beginning she was naturally hyper and I am naturally mellow so I chilled her out. As we got older and she mellowed out she needed excitement to bring her up. I had a brother that was electric. That changed when he died. As I look back I can see she was empty and bored yet nothing I offered to do was good enough. It really was like the perfect storm . Yes she was high functioning,  but the older she got the more exhausted she was yet the more alcohol,  pot, and pills it took to put her to sleep. Of course she wouldn't want to talk about it other than,depression, anxiety issues or menstrual.  If she isn't going to tell even me how she feels. How could I help. It's pretty clear now what her issue is, but her restraining orders keep me from talking to her. Legal silent treatment. My reasoning if you accept bipolar diagnosis and take those meds. Why wouldn't you consider BPD diagnosis and do therapy for that? Stop running with your fingers in your ears. Her mother is no help. Just tells her what she thinks her daughter wants to hear. So frustrating.
She is a good person. Sometimes she thinks she's bad. Her manipulation, criticism,  and fault finding was clearly a very primitive way to try and ease her abandonment fears. You don't figure this out until after. Who sit around the house go ogling what the heck is her problem? When your still there.