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Author Topic: Updates: The Good and The Bad  (Read 359 times)
WitzEndWife
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 674



« on: May 05, 2017, 02:03:54 PM »

I had to step away for a minute because I felt as though I needed some breathing room to process. Various things have transpired in the past couple of weeks, good and bad.

1) H has applied to several jobs and had a phone interview last week. He also FINALLY enrolled in real estate classes for the first week of June, so that is huge.

2) My parents definitely don't want to live with him any longer, so I've been forced to make a decision. I wasn't ready to let go of the relationship, so I chose to move out. Initially we were going to get a rental, but the rental market is ridiculous right now. We stumbled upon a townhome that was for sale, the monthly payments of which would be half of what I would be paying for a rental. So, I have decided to buy the home. In the worst of worst cases, which would be if we divorced AND he came after me for half the home value (which he is technically entitled to in my state), I could sell it in this market for over what I originally paid, and I could use the difference for a down payment on something new and wholly mine. At least I know what I can pay for by myself. But that's the worst of the worst case scenarios.

3) The bad bad news is that I had to stop the Skype therapy for BOTH of us for a while to be able to save up for the down payment of our house. I didn't want to do it, but, because the therapists are long distance, they can't take my in state insurance. H has been somewhat resistant to doing DBT here, but I now have some specific events to point to to show him that, yes, he still needs to talk to someone, and he needs to talk to someone we can afford with our insurance. He knows he has trauma issues and depression, so that's something.

4) We've been having some blowouts recently, but the worst was the other night, when I brought up the fact that he didn't follow through on his promises to drive Uber every night, after his mother flat out refused to give him any money toward the down payment on the house. He suddenly started yelling, and I did a pretty good job of remaining calm and asking him why he was angry. But then he took a box of crackers and threw it across the room, and then started kicking it repeatedly. I have to examine what's happening with me when he does that, but it lights a fuse in me when he physically rages and throws things around. I started yelling at him then, telling him to stop throwing a tantrum (I invalidated, I know). He cursed me out and I got upset again and said to him, "We don't curse out our partners in this house!" And then he said, "I don't want to be in this house then! F_ this!" and he ran straight out of the house, and into the pouring rain and cold.

I shouldn't have gone after him, but I got into my car and looked for him. It was dark and pouring, and he was wearing all black. I couldn't find him. Finally, I went back home, hoping he'd be there, and he wasn't. So, I called his phone. He answered right away and told me that he was on the bus, going to a homeless shelter and that his phone was dying.

I know that I should have probably just let him go, let him fail. But, of course, I didn't. I screamed at him to get off the bus. So, he did, and then I picked him up. I was furious, hurt, gutted. By the time I came to get him at a corner gas station, he was happily chatting with some random stranger about his car, like he hadn't just threatened to upend everyone's life.

Anyway, I know I need to cope with my own reactions. Things are really stressful at work, and buying a house isn't a picnic. I know that the more stressed out I am, the more I feel the need to control what's happening in my own life. I try to grab the pieces that are floating away and hold them in place.

I'm not exactly sure what else I can do to manage my own stress level. Getting away would be great, but I cannot afford that right now, and it really doesn't permanently solve the problem. Sigh.



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"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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isilme
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2017, 03:13:46 PM »

Hey - the #1 is great.  #2 is a good solution that you'd have not known about if your mom had not given a push - #3, I'm sure something will turn up and if you can keep pushing, DBT may happen locally.  #4 - things are changing.  Even if it's a change he wants, he will freak out about it.  It will take some time to even out, and for you both to get used to new dynamics of being on your own again, and him maybe working and attending classes.  At least he will be working towards some goals. 

As for everything else, it sounds like you are doing as well as you can - and that's a big thing.  You can't be "perfect" and validate at all times, you are allowed to get upset yourself, and yes, it's VERY hard to let them try to walk out and throw a fit. 

So it's done.  Tips to destress.  There's not a lot I can say, other than try to make sure you get as much sleep as you need.  Try to spend some time getting a little physical exercise, even just a walk around the block.  Try to eat decently, or at least consistently.  See if any herbal remedies for stress and anxiety may help you  - H takes St Johns Wart when needed, I tend towards Valerian or Chamomille to help me sleep.  Even if it works as a placebo, it's something. 

Excerpt
I have to examine what's happening with me when he does that, but it lights a fuse in me when he physically rages and throws things around.

It both scares and angers me.  It scares me because it's so odd, so unpredictable, and I can't fathom being THAT angry for anything.  I'm scared because I worry he may come at me and I will need to defend myself (not really happened but I grew up with a Dad who would do this 100-fold).  It angers me because I know I keep MYSELF in check with angry and want him to do so, too, so I don't have to get worked up over him being worked up.  I kinda resent his anger, and his inability to control it, because he makes it not just affect him, but me, too, and tries to drag me into it.  I sit there, trying to not move as if his awareness of me is based on movement like a T-Rex, and both fear it continuing, and weary of it continuing.  Mostly I get upset, like, darn it can't you just get over it so we can move on already?

Not sure if you feel at all like that, but that's the best I can explain my feelings when H decides to break stuff and rant and rage around. 

Hope things get better - sounds like you've come a long way personally.

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Grey Kitty
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Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2017, 03:45:19 PM »

I have to examine what's happening with me when he does that, but it lights a fuse in me when he physically rages and throws things around.

First off, it *IS* disturbing what he's doing, and doubly so because it is aimed at you.

That your emotions get lit off is completely normal. And if they aren't yet, the will be if he keeps at it and keeps escalating his raging... .which he will. So accept that you will have powerful emotions at times like this.

Try to be mindful of them. Try to notice when your emotions are starting to come up. Sometimes you will be able to see them before you start yelling. Even if you don't notice before you start yelling, try to be aware and notice at least once you start yelling.

And when you do notice those emotions, try to act differently--plan ahead, and be ready to take what you believe is the best action, instead of yelling and joining the conflict.

In this case, the best action is to remove yourself from him, NOW.

Perhaps you can just go to the bathroom and lock the door. That gives you 30 seconds or a couple minutes to calm yourself a little bit and figure out a better response when you walk out that door, or when he tries to get your attention from the other side of it.

Ultimately, I think you will need to leave the house for a while, and let him burn through his own anger without you as a target. Hopefully he won't destroy things bigger than a box of crackers while you are gone.
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WitzEndWife
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Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 674



« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2017, 11:22:13 AM »


In this case, the best action is to remove yourself from him, NOW.

Perhaps you can just go to the bathroom and lock the door. That gives you 30 seconds or a couple minutes to calm yourself a little bit and figure out a better response when you walk out that door, or when he tries to get your attention from the other side of it.

Ultimately, I think you will need to leave the house for a while, and let him burn through his own anger without you as a target. Hopefully he won't destroy things bigger than a box of crackers while you are gone.

Removing myself ALWAYS helps diffuse the situation, to be honest. Interestingly, as soon as H doesn't have a "witness" for his rage, he starts to calm down. If I withdraw and go into my own space, he usually chases after me, all apologetic. I tell him I need some time to calm down and he goes away, but he comes back at regular intervals. I think that is going to be my saving grace. I just have to remember to do it as soon as he lights my fuse.

It's emotionally wrecking to scream my guts out, but there's also this appeal to screaming, because it helps me void all of my pent-up frustrations. It's a short lived appeal, because afterward I feel completely 'hung over," but in that moment I feel a bit of relief. I do end up feeling better overall if I can go to a "sanctuary" in the home and get away from the rage.
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"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
isilme
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2714



« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2017, 11:25:22 AM »

Excerpt
but there's also this appeal to screaming, because it helps me void all of my pent-up frustrations. It's a short lived appeal, because afterward I feel completely 'hung over," but in that moment I feel a bit of relief.

I have to admit I do this while driving alone at times.  I have taken to running errands on weekends instead of trying to cram them into weeknights for a few reasons:

1 - It gives me a good reason to get up, move around, and get dressed in real clothes on a day I'd be inclined to stay in PJs and just read.
2 - It gives me more time for exercise on weeknights, or to cook, and finish art/craft projects, especially with H going to the chiropractor 2x a week after work.
3 - I grew up alone with 2 crazy BPD parents, watching my every emotion for invalidation to punish me for it,  I only got release from that rigidity when they'd abandon me at home alone, and so I'd cry, yell, and talk to myself until yes, I felt hung over, released, and like I'd let is all go. 
4 - I can get it out without H or anyone else near me to judge my own need for an emotional release. 

So, I let myself yell in the car, alone, with the windows up, while on back road driving to drop off things/pick up stuff, and it feels good to get it out in what works for me as a "safe" way.
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2017, 08:40:54 AM »


So, I let myself yell in the car, alone, with the windows up, while on back road driving to drop off things/pick up stuff, and it feels good to get it out in what works for me as a "safe" way.

I do this too. It feels really good.

I've gotten to the point several times where I have just laid into my H. Like you Witz, I just let it all come out. Some of the things I say are so mean. And the part that is so sad is that it works. He backs off. He becomes apologetic. I hurt him verbally and emotionally and in those moments I hate that I've become like him. He's told me he likes it when I act like that because he knows that I'm no better than him and I'm being honest. In the aftermath I feel foolish and ashamed for acting that way. 

When things are really tense I have to pay attention to what is boiling inside of me. If I find myself obsessing over his reactions and responses, I know that I am at a potential tipping point. I have to find a way to release it before I get to the point of exploding.

I went to a therapist who practices a type of therapy that isn't well known. It's called Internal Family Systems Therapy. Basically it teaches that when I am feeling strong emotions, tension, depression, etc. that I have a "part" of myself that I am not giving attention to. I learned how to do a meditation where I ask those "parts" to share with me what is going on and what they need. Then I work with them to come up with a solution that honors myself. It is EXTREMELY effective.
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