intense anger/rage is consuming me

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've posted here a few times and I think things are getting worse.

It's been 9 months since this woman completely dropped me/cut me off.

It makes me absolutely sick to think how this women just barged her way into my life with the gifts, the dinners, she forced her way to doctors appointments because of how much she "cared" for me. When she found out how depressed I had become after we broke up the first time she CHOSE to come to me and tell me how sorry she was and that she would "ALWAYS be here" for me only to leave me more devastated when she left 2 months later for good.

I begged and pleaded with her. I even lost my job because of how upset I was. She didn't care at all. She kept posting pictures of herself on facebook in makeup and dressed up almost as if she was mocking me. She finally threatened me with the police if I didn't leave her alone.

I hate this woman. There are days I get so made that I can't even think or concentrate on anything else... .and she just doesn't care. I am seriously surprised I haven't landed myself in prison for doing something stupid. Her arrogance and stubbornness is appalling and inhuman. I have no idea how anyone, disordered or not, could live with themselves after what she has done to me.

[jinglebells1989]

I've posted here a few times and I think things are getting worse.

It's been 9 months since this woman completely dropped me/cut me off.

It makes me absolutely sick to think how this women just barged her way into my life with the gifts, the dinners, she forced her way to doctors appointments because of how much she "cared" for me. When she found out how depressed I had become after we broke up the first time she CHOSE to come to me and tell me how sorry she was and that she would "ALWAYS be here" for me only to leave me more devastated when she left 2 months later for good.

I begged and pleaded with her. I even lost my job because of how upset I was. She didn't care at all. She kept posting pictures of herself on facebook in makeup and dressed up almost as if she was mocking me. She finally threatened me with the police if I didn't leave her alone.

I hate this woman. There are days I get so made that I can't even think or concentrate on anything else... .and she just doesn't care. I am seriously surprised I haven't landed myself in prison for doing something stupid. Her arrogance and stubbornness is appalling and inhuman. I have no idea how anyone, disordered or not, could live with themselves after what she has done to me.

[In a bad way]

mine did the same 11 months ago, never heard from her. To her I'm the bad man and always will be, in her eyes she is faultless.
I too can't get my head around the total abandonment.

[jinglebells1989]

mine did the same 11 months ago, never heard from her. To her I'm the bad man and always will be, in her eyes she is faultless.
I too can't get my head around the total abandonment.

And so these people are just allowed to get away with this? How appalling is it that there are no consequences for them. They just go about life and we suffer. I am day by day going insane because of this and I'm honestly scared I'm going to do something stupid soon.

[once removed]

hi jinglebells,

im really sorry for what youve been through. i know how surreal and traumatic it can feel for someone so close to you and important to you to suddenly seem like your worst enemy. it happened with my second serious girlfriend, and this being your first relationship, i know the kind of scars it can leave.

i think your anger is well founded. her behavior was untypically cold. mental illness can help us understand without excusing, but it only goes so far to remove the sting of what are very hurtful behaviors.

I'm honestly scared I'm going to do something stupid soon.

anger can be healthy, and it can also lead us to do things we might regret. my suggestion is not to marinate in your anger, so to speak - it can consume you, as you say.

im wondering what you might do in terms of a healthy outlet for your anger, and if youve taken the step to see a therapist?

[Mutt]

Hi jinglebells1989,

I've posted here a few times and I think things are getting worse.

It's been 9 months since this woman completely dropped me/cut me off.

Are you worried about how long it's taking you to recover from the break-up?

[Replacement99]

For me humour is the best cure, I laughed at me ex's attempts to get to me, they were so obvious and pathetic.  This made her absolutely insane with rage. Go NC, remove all Facebook and watch the recycle come.  Then either ignore or make fun of them.  Mock the devil and all that.

[jinglebells1989]

hi jinglebells,

im really sorry for what youve been through. i know how surreal and traumatic it can feel for someone so close to you and important to you to suddenly seem like your worst enemy. it happened with my second serious girlfriend, and this being your first relationship, i know the kind of scars it can leave.

i think your anger is well founded. her behavior was untypically cold. mental illness can help us understand without excusing, but it only goes so far to remove the sting of what are very hurtful behaviors.

anger can be healthy, and it can also lead us to do things we might regret. my suggestion is not to marinate in your anger, so to speak - it can consume you, as you say.

im wondering what you might do in terms of a healthy outlet for your anger, and if youve taken the step to see a therapist?

I don't think I'm ever going to recover from this. If my mom and dad weren't still around I would seriously consider offing myself. It's not just the relationship in general. After losing my job all those people at work dropped me too. new york city is a very cold place and I haven't been able to catch a break since. I'm in a new job now and it'svery stressful and I haven't been able to catch a break. I am so angry at these people, including her, for what they have done from me and I am starting to think I am reaching my breaking point.

[jinglebells1989]

Hi jinglebells1989,

Are you worried about how long it's taking you to recover from the break-up?

No, I'm worried about how angry I get. I am unable to function sometimes because of it, including today.

[once removed]

as they say, sometimes when it rains, it really pours  

i can understand why it feels like youll never recover from this. i would suggest you can, and can go on to build great strength and resilience, and accomplishment to show for it. theres hope, and better days await. but this will take time and healing.

if you are reaching a breaking point, i think you could really stand to treat yourself well. dont let this fester.

when i felt like i wouldnt recover, i bought a book that we recommend here. i think itd be a great read for you:

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing

[Mutt]

Hi jinglebells1989,

once removed asked if you had a T, you can work with a T to come up with strategies to feel better and to also manage your feelings before it becomes too much. Again once removed has a good suggestion what is something that you can do that changes the setting for you?

You said that you're at work, can you go for a walk on your break? Do you work out? What do you enjoy doing? What are your hobbies?

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/anger.pdf

[Replacement99]

You will be fine in time, it's hard now but as time goes on you will realise she is a disturbed person who will never be truly happy.  Just be glad you dodged the bullet and didn't end up married or getting her pregnant.  Read these forums they helped me a lot.  You are a decent person that got caught up with a deranged individual, it's not your fault.

[Icefog]

I can relate to what you are feeling. My ex BPD partner engaged in the same behavior and the anger/revenge fantasy/suicidal thoughts can seem overwhelming. I'm worried about you. Do you have access to a therapist or other healthy support people that you can process this with?

[jinglebells1989]

I can relate to what you are feeling. My ex BPD partner engaged in the same behavior and the anger/revenge fantasy/suicidal thoughts can seem overwhelming. I'm worried about you. Do you have access to a therapist or other healthy support people that you can process this with?

I have no one. and these people who left me knew that too. Just sickening.

[In a bad way]

And so these people are just allowed to get away with this? How appalling is it that there are no consequences for them. They just go about life and we suffer. I am day by day going insane because of this and I'm honestly scared I'm going to do something stupid soon.

Please don't do anything stupid.
I think some of us just take longer to recover, I was thinking today I need more time as in YEARS, but that's me.
Somethings have got better, I've not drank at home since January but I drink in the pub. I eat more and have put weight on, they are the only two positives for me.
Trust me I know exactly how you feel about how could she do this.
Yes mine as carried on with life as if I never existed and even though she had such a nasty side she had a beautiful side also.
Yes it is appalling but there's nothing we can do, and the strange thing is while I still love her I hope she meets a truly nasty man for her next victim and then realises what she lost in me.
Sounds awful I know, but to me it would feel like she deserved it.
I am not the first she has destroyed, I believed her when she told me how bad previous people had treated her but now I know it was either lies or just the way her mind sees it.
I am like you, absolutely dumbfounded at her total lack of everything towards me, but it's not our fault.