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Jq33
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 2


« on: May 12, 2017, 08:38:35 AM »

Hi

My daughter 16 is in the hospital from a suicide attempt. She went to ER and has been in the psych hospital for a week and a half,  She has been seeing a psychologist twice a week and has a psychiatrist and has always been a handful. High attention seeking, provocative behaviors, anger outbursts, always having countless boys she is after - dressing overly sexy, addicted to her phone, snapchat in a very unhealthy way. She admitted her suicidal thoughts about a year ago which led to a new therapist, increase in therapy, the psychiatrist and med's for depression. This did not fit for me because she truly, genuinely would seem happy and good for weeks and then all of a sudden something would happen and then she would say she was pretending, wasn't happy etc at all (which I know wasn't true) then when she no longer felt angry and depressed she would say the opposite "I am totally fine now no issues etc"  she lies a lot even when she doesn't need to. She is compulsive (diagnosed with ADHD) and gets bored easily. When she feels threatened or afraid (my opinion) she will provoke anger or make people feel sorry for her. She is well liked at school, at work and by all my friends and our family - , she is charming, beautiful, funny and can light up a room. She has a core group of friends she has had for years, boys and girls, who she is very close to. It is new people she has trouble with and romantic interests which change weekly. After the suicide attempt her psychiatrist suggested to me we may be looking at emerging borderline, I have since read 3-4 books, (including Valerie's) and scoured the internet. Her hospitalization has been tough for her and me. She liked it at first, too much - like she was at summer camp- she took on the "caretaker" role for everyone but was not getting help herself. After a few days the newness wore off and she wanted to leave.  She is addicted to her phone and her phone is dangerous for her in many ways, constant stream of guys etc I could go on- the last 4-5 days she has been stuck at this place mainly because she was threatening me and losing it every time we discussed the phone being seriously restricted in family therapy. The whole team believes there needs to be firm boundaries with her phone, social media etc but she has been struggling with it. I vascillate between feeling somewhat relieved to finally see what it going on and I feel like blinders have come off and deeply sad, whole days crying off and on, thinking of the hard life my daughter could be living with this. There is family history of mental illness on her dads side and we are divorced. She idolizes her dad and he dotes on her by calling or texting (lives out of state) but when she visits he pretty quickly just does what he wants to do, and she is bored out of her mind and gets destructive. He did not fly up after her suicide attempt and this was the first attempt, he loves her, but it is "all about him" - when the kids visit he never does what they want to do they have to completely bend to him. He also spent 15 minutes on the phone with me the other night talking about how her issues are inconvenient for him right now in his life and he needs to think about himself. I do not engage him as I have learned from past experiences there is no point but I can't help believe somehow this flawed relationship although she idolizes him has some deep roots with her. I am happily remarried and we have a stable loving family, she has three brothers she gets along with. I have seen though the years many of the things I have done in parenting her are the opposite of what I should have been doing for someone with borderline, so I have clearly contributed to her issues.  I feel awful about this. Would love to hear anyone thoughts on boundaries you have for phone, internet etc, friends, schedule. If she ever gets out of hospital she will do day program and then join a DBT group at Georgetown university where her psychiatrist is as well as have twice weekly therapy. If anyone read this whole thing, thank you- this has been the hardest week in my life, I love my daughter deeply and I want her to have a great life (for her!) and if that means she works in a coffee shop but that works for her I am ok with that but it has taken me time to let go of my dreams for her - mainly I want her to live, I want her to learn to deal with her emotions in a healthy way, control her impulsivity and have a fulfilling life with proper coping skills. I will stop here I could just go on and on. She wants to move on like nothing happened and that makes me even more sad because I know it won't last.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
MomMae
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2017, 09:26:59 AM »

Hi Jq33.  I am so sorry for the difficult time you are having with your daughter.  I can so relate to your situation - so much of it sounds just like my daughter, now 20, and what we have been through with her.  We had many issues with her throughout high school to do with her phone and internet access. 

I think you are very correct in wanting to restrict her phone access and it is good to hear the professionals are on board.  It was not so in my daughters case - our hospital does not restrict internet access even in the locked unit.  They actually don't even recognize internet addiction.  The last time my daughter was in hospital, she contacted a drug-dealing, misogynistic stranger (he had public facebook posts clearly showing who he was) and the hospital let him into the locked unit and started calling him her support person! Despite that we had warned them about her dangerous habit of contacting and meeting strangers on the internet.  We showed up to visit her (in the locked unit) and he was in her room with the door closed.  I am 100 percent sure now that he was giving her drugs while she was hospitalized. 

Anyway, my point being, it is a very good that the professionals involved in your daughter's case are on board with restricting phone access.  That said, it is very difficult to do in the real world... .my daughter had no wifi access at home due to our concerns, but was accessing it everywhere else anyway... .in school, public places, fast food places, etc.  I truly believe that most of my daughter's extreme issues are internet related... .I actually get quite upset when I hear that parents need to take responsibility for their kids internet use - it is absolutely impossible these days.  I did everything that you read about - computer only in a visible room, phones parked every night, warned my kids of the dangers of the internet.  No body ever warned that there are some kids who take those warnings and turn them into ideas instead... .I feel very guilty about this as I feel I am the one who gave her the ideas about the dark,seedy side of the internet.

I, too, am working on letting go of my dreams for my daughter.  She just graduated from a nursing program in the fall at the age of 19 and has lost 3 fantastic jobs that she had.  Is now not working, on public assistance, living in a garage with another drug abusing, not-nice guy.  Now all I want is her safe... .and to find some purpose in life that she enjoys. Even if she continues to have virtually no contact with us, I could learn to live with it if I knew she was safe.

Jq33, reading your post, it clearly comes across how much you love your daughter and what a good parent you are.  You have no reason to feel "awful" about parenting transgressions that we all make... .we are human too, with our own issues. We do the best we can in the moment and need to remember to be as kind to ourselves as we would be to a friend.  It is obvious that you come from a place of love.

You are not alone.  Hugs and empathy are with you.
   

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Franchesca

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Posts: 13


« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2017, 09:55:13 AM »

Hi Jq33, reading your story is like reflecting on our own daughters journey. She is almost 20 now and she struggles with most interpersonal relationships. She did not complete high school but through sheer determination she is attending university and in her second year of her degree. This  does not come without  huge challenges. She has matured a lot of the years. I too feel like we did not parent her as well as we could have, as I had never even heard of BPD until recently. So we would vassilate between feeling sorry for her and worrying to death something was terribly wrong. We have spent the last 6 years giving her most of our attention at the deteriment of our marriage and our older children. We were and are unable to control her internet usage. If we tried it would usually end in Ww111. To be honest her determination to be reckless, and impulsive means that if we limit or limited usage she will or would just take off. Therefore still putting herself in danger. We are trying to guide her so that she can have good relationships in the future. As most have ended poorly in the past. She does lie, and distort actual events often truly believing her version. We will try to keep guiding her and hope with the correct future treatment she can change her destructive behaviors. Thinking of you, F
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Yepanotherone
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Posts: 282


« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2017, 05:48:38 PM »

Another mum here who has been in a world war around phone and Internet use with my BPD17 daughter.  
I knew she was addicted to it but had no idea how much trouble she was actually getting herself into until she was busted by police with marijuana in December 2016 and they took her phone . That night I confiscated it and found to my despair , just how dangerous she is with that phone . Drugs and drug dealers, secret Instagram accounts, sexting, meeting up with strangers , you name it .
She's not had her phone back since . It remains locked away , and believe me we have suffered torrents of verbal abuse , temper tantrums and rages about it .
I bought her a regular flip phone with no internet access , just texting and phone calls permitted, and I can monitor her usage / control contacts etc through family base , but she broke that phone in a fit if rage a couple of months ago , and so has no phone whatsoever now. I refuse to give her the iPhone back right now and I also refuse to replace the cellphone she purposefully snapped in half.  I've told her the actual  line is still open and I will continue to pay for the line and her usage , but she needs to purchase another cellphone herself to replace the one she purposefully snapped . She refuses to do this however and seems to think that I'll crack and give her the iPhone back. .  her behaviors are merely designed to get her own way ( she wants her iPhone back and " doesn't want another crappy                  flip phone !" , but I'm not giving in . She's an absolute nightmare with her iphone and even though it's sometimes scary for me to know she's not got her phone , she's normally with a friend who does have one. The temper tantrums and absolute raging about this are less aggressive now although it's still an obvious annoyance and inconvenience for her , she uses my phone every now and again to log into her snapchat . She's definitely feeling the inconvenience of not having a phone at all right now , but it's a battle of wills between us .shes holding out for the return of the iPhone .
We control the laptop now too and I can't tell you how inconvenient this is for me as she does online school ! But left alone at home during the day with full access to the laptop ultimately ends up in her not getting any actual schoolwork done and just getting herself wound up , dysregulated or in some form of trouble ( she gets involved with drama , looks at " dark", Internet sites, has invited strange guys round to our home for sex etc etc etc . So regardless of how inconvenient it is for me to have to work my full time job around getting her into the school campus for her to get her online schoolwork done, I'd rather deal with that right now than the alternative ! ( which is often hospitalization after she becomes so dysregulated and unsafe ). She still gets on the laptop but only when I give it to her . And it gets returned to me at night time , otherwise she would sit on it all night and not sleep.
Don't get me wrong , it's been ( and continues to be ) hell on earth enforcing  these boundaries and I resent actually having to impose them ! And it's generally me who is the target of her abuse rather than my husband . But she's given us no choice really. I'd love for her to use the phone and laptop responsibly , but she doesn't. So that's that !
I don't think she expected me to stick to my guns and certainly not for as long as I have . ( 5 months !) I think she thought she could wear me down . She seems to slowly be realizing though that no amount of bullying , abuse and manipulation is going to get her her phone and laptop back anytime soon.
It's even more important right now that she stays out of trouble as she's on probation for the next 6 months so I'm standing firm.
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bayview

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2017, 06:17:28 PM »

My heart goes out to you. My daughter is 32. Looking back we have dealt with BPD with her since she was a teen but did not know what it was. No cell phones like today but we were at the new stages of the internet world. She has met men from the internet. Continues to do so now. I guess the best thing for your daughter is getting treatment now. She will be an adult soon. Then there is no control. I hoping for her and your family the treatment will be successful. That would be the bright spot. At 32 I can no longer parent my daughter. I have had to let go and take care of myself. Sure I made mistakes. All parents do. Be kind to yourself. Parents that didn't or don't care would not be posting here and seeking help. Keep up with the firm boundaries. Looking back I did not have firm boundaries with her. I felt sorry for her for many reasons. I did not hold her accountable for her choices and behaviors. Didn't help at all. It was always a fight, a struggle. I gave my daughter too much power at an early age. She ran amuck with it. Hindsight. I wish I could have done something different when she was 16. I just did not know or understand what I was up against. There is so much awareness, resources, understanding and help for BPD today.   I am freshly new to this myself. I wish I could offer more. Best wishes to you all.
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Jq33
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« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2017, 10:05:34 PM »

I can't figure out how to reply to everyone but thank you. Today was a hard day. She was not supposed to have access to computer but they screwed up and she did and emailed a teacher at her private school who she doesn't even like and told her what "really happened, that she OD'd and was at the mental hospital getting help" her school had kept this contained but my daughter needed to ensure she is still getting attention and found a way. I get a call from the school, luckily her psychologist. I spent $5000 on a trip she was going to take to Belize to work with underprivileged youth, I spent another $2000 so she could go to Hawaii wi her school for a summer science program - those are both gone now, after today's st t they won't let her go to prom... .I know in the scheme of life those are small things, but she just doesn't get what she is jeapordizing everytime she needs to be the center of attention or battle for her phone or whatever. I was so frustrated. I got so sad realizing that this may just be the beginning if the things she loses in life because of this disorder. Then her psychiatrist called me from Gtown and said the DBT group at Georgetown won't work for her because it is too severe. At that point I lost it emOptionally. I had to leave work. I cried so hard off and on for hours (I never do that!) I even had a lucid dream the other night, I had woken up and went downstairs because I couldn't fall back asleep. I finally got back to sleep and in my dream I realized I was in a dream. The first thing I thought  upon realizing this in the dream was "B is still in the hospital even though your dreaming" and then I even thought in my dream doesn't this suck that your dreaming and you still remember"

I called one of the local DBT places and they said an average therapy time is 6 months and it would cost at a minimum $15000. I have great insurance, except I didn't get the one to get out if network fir psych. I just don't know what to do because once she gets out of this place she needs something more than what she was getting,

Your responses make me feel I am not alone and I can't thank you enough for that.
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Yepanotherone
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« Reply #6 on: May 13, 2017, 12:43:49 AM »

You aren't alone Jq and it helps to walk through this absolute nightmare with others who walk that same path with you   nobody can really understand this particular brand of hell. I've been living a Life that I never ever dreamt possible in my worst nightmares for the last 20 months with my DD . 7 hospitalizations in , multiple medications, an abundance of therapists and psychiatrists , self harm off the charts including major cutting ( she's absolutely covered in scars and prances about in the most ludicrous revealing outfits), punches herself in the hips and binges/ purges, and then the romantic relationships with boys started a year ago and this in itself brought its own particular brand of hell to the equation, risky, promiscuous sex, sexting ,meeting up with strangers for sex ,selling her own medications on the street , poor choice of friends , failing at school, lying , raging , manipulation to new heights ,  then drugs ( marijuana , acid, psychedelics , even cough suppressant " trips!", almost got involved with cocaine with the boyfriend but was busted by police just in time and now has a substance abuse counsellor into the mix along with a probation officer for the next 6 months .her  Ex Boyfriend vandalized our home too and we have a protection order and ongoing case against him. Our lives have literally been turned upside down , I don't even recognise myself or my life anymore . I hate what my life is now and wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I hate Facebook now, seeing my friends have " normal " lives and their teens developing into fine successful happy responsible adults . I hate that I've withdrawn from having a social life, I used to be a really fun, carefree, happy go lucky person, and now every waking hour is spent being hyper vigilant , waiting for  the next bomb to go off. Even as I type this lying in my bed,  I'm aware if my DD in the next room and I prepare for something to hit the fan in the middle of the night because her friends backed out of plans to come round tonight, so that never bodes well !
So you aren't alone . I'm learning to deal with my new life now though I've not truely radically accepted it yet. I have good days and bad days where I just want to curl up, I grieve for the daughter I used to have and for the loss of the future she could have had , but I haven't lost all hope . I read a lot about BPD and have about 14 books now ! I try to learn and practice the skills but I'm not even close to being good at them yet , so I still react in ways I shouldn't . It's so hard not to, my DD is constantly so rude , arrogant and that haughty " you're so annoying and soo dumb " attitude she frequently displays towards me just drives me to distraction ! Big hugs to you my lovely , you are in good company here xxx
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