Not having a "real" husband really sucks

[BeagleGirl]

FormFlier,
You are 100% correct about the source of my "conflicted" status.  I am ":)ONE" with my BPDh, but not with my desire to live a life pleasing to the God that I place my faith in.  I too am a "plain reader" of scripture, and as many times as I have read the scriptures on Biblically justifiable divorce the words are still the same.  I don't have Biblical grounds for divorce.  That doesn't change just because I want it to.  I've prayed that God would provide some sign that I am released from my marriage if He was willing.  No angles have shown up as of yet.

In all honesty, I sometimes stoop to wishing that BPDh would commit adultery so that I would have my "out".  Being a forgiven adulteress myself, I recognize how incredibly perverse that wish is. 

I don't have the same qualms about separation for the purpose of protection and (don't ask me why) I have been able to justify not treating my body as though it belongs to my husband.  Trust me, the lack of sex has not been "for a time of prayer and by mutual agreement". 

So I, on some level, know that I am fighting a losing battle against myself.  The part of me that wants to eventually have the opportunity to find love with another man is putting up one h311 of a fight, but I believe I will be "happiest" when I can die to self and trust God to heal my marriage and/or teach me to see Him as sufficient.  I don't have any sense of whether I will eventually physically return to my marriage, but I can't reconcile myself to actually leaving it.

You asked about what verse I wish my husband would chase after.  First I will share the one that I cling to:
Mark 9:24 "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief".

If I could give my husband a scripture passage to chase, at least today, it would be Romans 13:8-14. 

BG

[formflier]

We seem to agree on interpretation of scripture about divorce.

Do I understand it correctly that you believe that you are "unbiblically" withholding sex from your husband?   

I'm interested in your thoughts either way on that.

I think you have grounds to do what you have done.  I think you have grounds to stay separated from your hubby.

If he showed true repentance over time, I might change my tune some.

FF

[formflier]

He's got BPDish stuff going on and in general isn't "getting it".  IMO... .to many words to get lost in your suggestion, although I suspect you would want to narrow it down to the sexual and debauchery part... .if forced to narrow it down.  Correct?

Colossians 3:19 ESV

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.


If you decide to "agree" or "offer up" the TS I would only do so with part of his structure being pastoral care (not only... .but part).  Keep it simple.

If he were to really be convicted of and  chase after this verse... .then go to the other verses.  I would encourage his pastoral care guys to only "allow" him to focus and meditate on "his" verses.

I would encourage you to do the same.  

I like you comments about not being his Holy Spirit.  I have only really focused on that during the last year or so.  I will confront about an issue, perhaps... .perhaps one more time... .and then when I believe that I've said my part.  I'm done... .and any "convicting" will not come from my nagging.

FF

[BeagleGirl]

He's got BPDish stuff going on and in general isn't "getting it".  IMO... .to many words to get lost in your suggestion, although I suspect you would want to narrow it down to the sexual and debauchery part... .if forced to narrow it down.  Correct?

Actually, if I were to pick the portion of the passage that resonated most with me it would be verse 10 "Love does no harm to its neighbor.  Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law."

The companion scripture is 1 John 4:7-8 "Beloved, let us love one another.  For anyone who loves is born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."

Those verses are probably also "too many words" and too vague.  What I want is for him to understand that it's not about obeying rules that I or others give him.  I want him to understand that "love covers a multitude of sins" and know where the source of that love can be found.

[BeagleGirl]

We seem to agree on interpretation of scripture about divorce.

Do I understand it correctly that you believe that you are "unbiblically" withholding sex from your husband?   

I'm interested in your thoughts either way on that.

I think you have grounds to do what you have done.  I think you have grounds to stay separated from your hubby.

If he showed true repentance over time, I might change my tune some.

FF

FF,
I can not find any biblical support for withholding sex from my husband.  In fact, the opposite is very clear.  I am commanded to treat my body as belonging to my husband (yes, this is a reciprocal command, but I don't think that fundamentally changes anything) and to not withhold sex except by mutual agreement, for a short time of prayer and fasting.  I have no right to try to use sex as a reward for good behavior or withhold sex when I'm not happy with my husband's behavior.  I am to submit to him in all ways, as unto God.  For me, that means that if I don't want to have sex with my husband out of love for and submission to my husband, I should do so out of love and submission to God.  I also believe that I should do so with a joyful heart, not holding onto any bitterness or feelings of being used.

So I am going against my beliefs based on the reading of scripture.  Earlier tonight I would have said I was okay with that.  After my conversation with my dad, I don't know. 

This is where I want to dance on the edge of interpreting scripture to support my views, but my most fundamental beliefs collide with what I want, and when in doubt I usually manage to let go of what I want.  It may take some time, but I generally have been able to eventually say "God is God, and I'm not".

I'm not there yet on the matter of returning to my husband and fulfilling my vows to him and God regardless of what he does to me.  Like I said before, that would/will take a level of faith and dependence on God that I believe is possible but can't imagine.  I find some comfort in knowing that even Christ prayed that "the cup be taken" from him, but I don't know if I can ultimately say "not my will but Yours".

So that's my view on the matter.

[formflier]

 
BG,

I think the scriptures that we are discussing and the views are "acceptable to disagree on" (I realize that others may say these are "bedrock issues".

Please don't ever hear me saying "BG is wrong", unless I specifically use those words.

I'm going to ask you some questions, hopefully that will inform me better about how you interpret scripture.


Does "submitting to your husband in all ways (things) include sin?"

Is there a view that some of your husbands sexual practices are sinful?

Does he appear repentant?

Does God want you to "win over" your husband?

Does God want you to sin or turn a blind eye to sin in order to "win over" your husband?

Does God tell you to "protect your heart"?

Enough for now... .

   

FF

[dealingwithit]

I found some videos on YouTube about this subject that were very helpful. I will try to get you the links.

My husband and I are Christians and I've been thinking about separation due to years of emotional, verbal, and some physical abuse. I am not convinced there is no infidelity. Only God knows. I have no desire at this time to be involved with anyone else.

One of the statements I agree with is, "God hates divorce. But he hates abuse even more." I believe abuse is unfaithfulness in every sense of the word, whatever the cause. If my husband is going to other women to get emotional needs met, that is unfaithfulness, too. There doesn't necessarily need to be a "sexual act."

God describes love of the world as spiritual adultery to Himself.

Also, Jesus stood up for women that were oppressed. The woman at the well. Mary, when anointing his head, Judas attacked her verbally. He said, "Leave her alone. What she is doing for me is beautiful." He comforted Mary at the tomb, cared about his mother while dying on the cross. This is the love of Jesus for us. I think taking abuse may be dishonoring to His sacrifice if it is destroying our personhood. Obeying the voice of the Lord is paramount. We must please Him.

Submission is an interesting subject, but there should be a foundation of mutual submission in context as stated in Ephesians.

If I'm expected to obey the Scriptures, he is too. There is no respector of persons with God. He is called to lay down his life as Christ did for His bride, the Church.

This is something I've struggled and prayed through for years. We have been in ministry for decades. There is a deception in the body of Christ that needs to be revealed so women can be loved and cherished and set free. Many people in leadership do not understand or observe the behaviors we live with, but God sees all. And I find comfort in that. May we all receive the real love Christ has for each of us and that we are valued and treasured in His eyes and heart.