My mom is getting worse and worse every day.

[Spinners4dinner]

Hi guys. I'm suffering and hoping I can find some help here.

My mom has always been an unpleasant person to live with. She's very manipulative and switches between kind and Satan. I've tried moving out, but in this day, it's really hard with someone working low wage jobs to live on their own. Then I got pregnant two years ago. I have a 14 month old baby right now. So I can't move out cause I don't have a job, I'm stuck taking care of baby. My only possible option is the projects, and even they have requirements I can't yet meet, plus I would never get any sleep there.

Anyway, my mom's behavior since the baby has been born has been catastrophic. She's in a phase of strongly devaluing the baby's father, so he doesn't spend time here anymore. It was just a couple weeks ago that we finally realized that my mom has BPD. It's amazing that it took us so long, considering that I used to have a pretty severe case of it myself. I know some believe that BPD doesn't go away, but I have been asymptomatic for over two years, so I don't say that I have it anymore.

So baby daddy, we will call him Jeff, used to live with me when I had BPD. He learned a whole lot about it before getting out of the toxic relationship. He owns "stop walking on eggshells" and I myself have started to read it. I can only read it at his house though. I can't bring it home. If I were to ever suggest that my mom had this illness, she would lose it. (Oh yeah we got back together for a while which is how the kid happened)

She doesn't listen to me, she doesn't let me talk. She's a queen/waif subtype which is ENDLESSLY frustrating. She doesn't admit to anger no matter how clearly she presents anger. I ask her why she's mad and in her most delicate fragile voice she will say "nobody is mad"

She gets  to the point of anger sometimes where she's slamming doors. But usually she tries to punish me for not meeting her expectations by withdrawing. Not talking to me, or getting  up in the middle of something to go sulk in her room.

I have a lot more to say, but my baby just woke up so I have to go. what I'm getting at is that other people are finally noticing and becoming concerned that she's on the verge of a mental breakdown. She could end up hurting herself or having a heart attack. Her anxiety is higher than anyone's I've ever met and she has no self-awareness so she can't admit to herself that she needs help. But we want her to get help. What do I do?

Thank you.

[Highlander]

Hi Spinners4dinner and welcome to this forum   ,

My Dear Husband (DH), [10 years], has a very similar story to yourself.  When I met him, he had BPD. He worked very hard and he did recover.

It's such a huge journey you've been through just to accept and recover yourself and you should be very proud of yourself.

Like you, my DH has a BPD mother that will not accept anything is wrong with her.

We have also been in the position of being trapped in her home with a small child and like the father of your child, my MIL also regularly attacked me.  It was one of my worst experiences in my life   and we counted down the months but unlike yourself, we knew there was going to be an end to it.  

Reading 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' will help you greatly as well as learning the skills to validate her emotions but NOT her behaviour.  Also there are plenty of workshops on this website.  Are there ways for you to research on the internet on a computer that can be locked with a password?

You are not alone in wanting your Mum to acknowledge her ill health and get help.  

My DH was confused because he accepted his diagnosis and couldn't understand how to reach out to his mother.  It helped him when I showed him some information about the difference between 'Low Functioning' BPD and 'High Functioning' BPD and that there are also mixes of the two - he began to understand that although he was suffering from the same disorder as his mother, her traits were vastly different and she was not going to accept any suggestion she was unwell – ever.

Like so many others, when we did tell her it made it worse.  She had spent years telling everyone that   I gave her son the 'childhood' disorder when I met him at age 29!   It didn't matter that 4 psychiatrists and even more psychologists had clinically stated he got it in his early childhood and they believed from our stories his mother had BPD.  What she believes to be truth can never be questioned nor denied.

We are now Non Contact (NC) with her but that's not to say that would be the same with yourself.  Some people here have found ways to have contact with their loved ones using validating techniques that soften the behaviours as well as boundaries.

Good luck.  You have a community of people that understand what you're going through here and the father of your child seems very supportive.   I hope you can find a way to move out into your own space soon.