Really struggling...

[GuySmiley]

Been really struggling over the past few days.

Me and my married ex met up last Thursday - a wonderful day together in the sunshine. Walking, talking, holding hands, cuddling - she tells me she loves me and always has done. I knew it was going nowhere and as soon as I got home I was completely empty again. I texted her on the Friday saying I couldn't do it anymore as it was too painful, she phoned and we talked. I told her it would never be enough for me just meeting up every now and again. She told me she loved me. I told her she was the one I wanted to spend my life with. She was the one I wanted to grow old with. She said she couldn't give me those things. I told her I couldn't carry on as it was breaking my heart. She started crying saying she didn't want me to go. I said goodbye and that was it. She texted me later in the evening pleading with me not to end it.

The Saturday was the 20th anniversary of the first time we met - she was out with her husband but as texting me throughout the night remembering the things we said and did that night. The Sunday she texted me from her bed - I asked if I could call her, I just wanted to hear her voice. She said no so I told her to go to sleep. And now she's blocked me.

My friends and family just don't get it. Why I can't be like them and just move on. I'm sick of trying to explain to them. I want to scream at them. They don't understand the intense feelings. The intense bond. I'm being absolutely tortured. My heart feels like it going to explode. I just want to be with her. To know I'll never be with her and grow old with her and have a family with her is killing me. It's just torture. I cannot stop thinking of the woman I love. I want her I want her. I hate this. She says she loves me. She cries when I try to end it. I just want my life to be with her and it can never be. I just want this pain to end. I am in a living hell.

[roberto516]

Hang in there guysmiley   I understand the longing, and the pain, and the complete lack of desire to accept what I know to be true; that it's over, and it won't ever be as I imagined it. I wish I could offer more solace or feedback, but I'm still early in this thing too. If anything, I relate to where you are now. And I feel for you right now. Please keep posting, and sharing. You have support here.

[msh28]

Trust me I have an idea of how sh** you feel. I don't think I will ever be the same again after this relationship which, to me was real, was actually a delusion and the realisation that all the things you've done for her and the memories you have mean nothing to her, she's onto the next chapter of her life and not looking back.

What the heck?

[RomanticFool]

Hi GuySmiley,

I wondered where you were. We missed you here.

I worked out that it was about 11 years ago that my exBPD married lover dumped me the first time. It was intensely painful. Just about every conversation I had with her at that time ended like yours. Finally we let each other go. I only did because her husband had throat cancer and I didn't want to be distracting her from that.

Then she came back into my life just over 5 years ago. I thought her husband had died. But no, as Skip told me, I was the third leg in her marriage stool and it was lopsided without me. There was me,  her and hubby.

Early on in our reconnection she behaved exactly as your married pwBPD is behaving now. It is called the clinging phase. She has done the seduction phase and now she is clinging on for dear life. Guess what the next phase is? You got it - the hate phase. It took you to tell her your emotional needs to make her turn on you. Well done for not being a doormat. Progress is difficult and pain is the cost.

Please read the suggested reading material listed at the top of this board. SHE IS NOT YOUR SOULMATE. SHE IS NEVER GOING TO LEAVE HER HUSBAND. SHE IS MANIPULATING YOU TO FILL HER EMPTINESS. I know this because it happened to me. I have also done it to others I have not been emotionally/sexually connected to. You are feeling this way because she has triggered your abandonment fear and it is unbearable.

Stay away from her and the pain will ease. In time it will stop altogether. If you keep going back the wound will be opened up time and again. Stay strong. You can get through this. I know because I am getting through it and 6 weeks ago I was feeling suicidal.

THERE IS SOMEBODY WONDERFUL OUT THERE FOR YOU. WHILE YOU ARE CHASING A GHOST YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON HER. GET YOURSELF MATCH FIT TO MEET HER.

You do that by looking at yourself and why you are allowing this woman to abuse and manipulate you. If she loved you she would leave her husband. How she feels is in her actions and not her words. Don't allow yourself to be the third leg of a stool.

Be kind to yourself. Keep coming back here and reading about the disorder. Keep sharing. Ask yourself searching questions: What was your relationship like with your mother? Have all of your relationships been co-dependent? Why are you living in the impossible fantasy of you and this woman being together when the reality is that will never happen? Lean on us here. We are all here for you.

[GuySmiley]

I had a proper breakdown yesterday.

I don't really talk to my parents about stuff as they're pretty clueless in giving advice or even trying to empathise with anybody who doesn't read the Telegraph. The usual 'why can't you just let it go' stuff.

Tried talking to my mother about meeting up with my ex and all the emotions it's stirred up, and she immediately started by asking how her child is. I just lost it there and then. I don't talk to my parents, I don't and can't communicate with them, so if I even try to then things must have gotten pretty serious and I've nowhere left to turn. And so rather than ask how I'm feeling etc the first thing she asks about is the child. The child I always wished more than anything she'd had with me.

So long story short I ended up in a ball screaming into the carpet. 18 years of pain and the last 4 with her constantly push/pulling me. I'm a grown man and I've been reduced to this.

I saw my father later in the day and he told me I'd upset my mother. His words of advice were I need to sort myself out and stop the sulking.

Just numb today.

[RomanticFool]

Sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry your parents can't understand you. They are the typical don't talk about your emotions people that many of us had. My dad was too busy undermining me to listen to anything I ever said. Share on this board when you feel desperate. That's what I've been doing and it's getting me through - just. The pain hasn't gone but it's only been just over 6 weeks. With time and space and help here, the wound will heal.

[insideoutside]

I saw my father later in the day and he told me I'd upset my mother. His words of advice were I need to sort myself out and stop the sulking.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling that way GuySmiley. 

I also have an very un-empathic or loving mother; she never hugged me or told me she loved me when I was a child and never told me I was beautiful.  Last time I spoke to her was on my birthday in March where we face timed one another (first time in a while) and her first words to me were 'You've let your hair grow longer; I don't like it, it doesn't suit you... .'    She had an atrocious upbringing so I know she finds it difficult to show any emotions but that's built a wall between us whereby I can't talk to her about any emotional stuff as she's the sort to say 'pull yourself together', 'you're a strong person, you'll get through it', and her favourite one 'god doesn't give you anything you can't handle' which in turn makes me want to rage at her 

I have been NC with my friend for over 9 weeks now; I have passed through the pain but still have sadness that it came to this and he hasn't reached out, but I know I'd feel exactly as you do now if we were to reconnect. 

We are all here for you; let it out on here and let us help you 

[lovenature]

Sorry to hear you are hurting.
You are right that friends and family don't get it: no one on earth who hasn't lived it could possibly ever fathom it!

Try to focus on YOU during this tough time in your life. Learn as much as you can about this awful disorder.
I found the more I learned and the longer I stayed NC the clearer things became. When I was where you are now I couldn't see or believe that it would get better, but it does like it has for so many others.
Hang in there bud.

[GuySmiley]

Got a text from her on Friday morning apologising for blocking me and cutting me off again and saying she was desperate to see me but she needs to grow up and stop hurting people around her and especially me, so she's decided to end it again. I sent her a very short text also saying I couldn't see her again and left it at that.

And then on Saturday she unblocks me on whatsapp.

I've booked myself in with a counsellor next week.